By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

If you enjoy this article, read the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom's article  Personal Meets Political

In the nearly three years I spent with Ryan, he taught me a great deal about BDSM play. From his lighthearted sense of humor to his gigantic toy bag, each visit was a dessert of delights. Sadly, his move to Florida in 1999 left me adrift, and so prompted me to start Rose & Thorn, an act which would change my life. When he returned after four years, I thought we might pick up where we had left off. To my surprise, I discovered that while Ryan was just as intelligent and sexy, I had surpassed him, literally and figuratively.

It wasn’t just Ryan that I had outgrown. Before Rose & Thorn, I was just another kinky girl. Now I see what was invisible to me before: the groups, the leaders, the events, the publications, the writers, and the activists. We work at many purposes, from education to spiritual enlightenment, from legal activism to just plain fun; but the community is far more than just a bunch of people spanking their hands out each weekend. We form a cohesive organism with a life of its own, one that may have been active in the big cities for years, but which is revolutionary to much of the rest of the country, especially rural areas like Vermont where I make my home.

I’ve come to believe that community is the key to credibility and validation by the larger world. Seeing so many players like myself - with jobs and kids and homes - helped me recognize that BDSM is not a dark secret of people on the edge of society. Rather, it is a valid and creative way of expressing our sexuality. This knowledge is critical in our self acceptance, and helps create circumstances where vanilla people can learn about us as well. More importantly, our institutions create a place where we can grow, learn, and connect in a safe space. It is these institutions, as well as activists and writers that shine the light of reason and acceptance on us.

It was in this context that I found myself reading an open letter from writers and activists Cleo Dubois and Fakir Musafar, asking for support and prayers for author Patrick Califia who’s been having a rough time. Early on when far less people were aware of my writing, I asked Patrick to do an interview with me, and he kindly responded with over 8,000 words, the longest interview I’ve received. This was even more amazing knowing that his fibromyalgia made typing painful, and that he was not paid one red cent for those 8,000 words. One might even say that this very selfless devotion to the community has in part put him in his present financial crunch.

Because of my feelings toward his generosity, I forwarded the letter to a few of my favorite discussion groups. I received two kinds of responses to the request. One was “Who the heck is Patrick Califia?” and the other was “How can you be asking for support for an individual when we are possibly facing a war with Iraq ?”

These comments surprised me, but my response to both was the same: Patrick is a well known BDSM writer, but he is far more than just another kinky player draped in black leather. Gary Switch, contributing editor to Prometheus magazine says that, “Califia is simply the most intelligent, most radical, most provocative, most passionate, best-writing advocate for sexual liberation that we have.” Cleo Dubois adds that “Patrick has been an outspoken opponent of censorship of BDSM literature. Through essays and other writings like those collected in Public Sex, he has challenged prejudice against our community and expanded our sense of who we are to include spirituality and activism as well as sexuality.”

What I find particularly interesting about Patrick is that he represents a commonality with my vanilla lesbian friends. They tell me that prior to his transformation to a man, Pat Califia (as he was known then) was busy shaking things up in the lesbian camp as well. I sure can see why. Every fringe group seeks credibility from the larger community, and people like Pat Califia muddy the waters of a lesbian platform aiming to mainstream lesbian identity.

They also told me the story of how the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgendered (GLBT) world went a bit awry when Pat became Patrick a few years ago. By transforming to a man, Patrick in some ways repudiated those who had nurtured him. My friend Dana reflects this approach when she tells me that, “being a lesbian is more than sleeping with a woman, it’s a whole political identity.” Another friend Mia adds that, “I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that I am not a real lesbian because I fucked men over 15 years ago, or because I have male friends.” In some ways I understand this approach because the BDSM community is in the same boat, in fact far further from the shore of acceptance. I have had similar feelings about some BDSM authors I know who are no longer active in the lifestyle. It felt a little bit like they had invalidated the meaning of their words if they didn’t believe them enough to continue being part of the lifestyle. So in a way I can understand those same feelings in the lesbian community, and can just imagine the reaction of the gay and transgendered communities that he moved into.

My response then to those questions posed to me is this: Patrick is a visionary of our community, regardless of his orientation or gender. I might even say that because he does not fit into a nice neat mold of male, female, lesbian, gay, bi, Dominant, Submissive, Switch or whatever, he can speak a truth that only someone of ambiguous orientation can. Patrick is not the only visionary that we have, but he is an important one, one who has fought for us in a thousand ways that most of us will never have to. Straight leatherfolk may not be as aware of his work because of its focus on GLBT, but his words, whether oriented toward that audience or not, only emphasize the importance of pansexual unity.

Secondly, I do not believe that we should allow the spectre of warfare to distract us from our continuing struggle for acceptance. We are beholden to support our community’s leaders, emotionally and spiritually, and sometimes even financially. We must do this because it is not the private players who are making the world a safer place to express our orientation; it’s people like Patrick who are doing that work. This work is as important as war, because when the fighting is over, we will still be living in a culture that represses sexuality, and practically criminalizes radical sexuality. There will always be some political or economic or personal situation to distract us. In fact, I might venture to say that the worse the economic situation is, the more important it is for us to support the writers, leaders, and activists who have devoted their lives to our cause, when they could have chosen a much safer, much better-paying career.

In watching this drama unfold, I see my own experience reflected in the larger community. You may choose to play strictly on your own time, and that’s fine. But I ask you to consider a different paradigm. Just as we are asked to think globally and act locally to make our world a better place, I ask you to consider thinking globally and spanking locally. Our community, our lifestyle, is more than just play that goes on behind closed doors. We are entering mainstream culture, and through this freedom many who were afraid to explore BDSM can now do so freely. Because of organizations like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), I know that if I were to ever face a backlash because of my writing, someone would be there to stand up with me.

The story here is that it’s not about Patrick, it’s about what he represents to each of us, whether we are aware of it or not. It’s about the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the Leather Leadership Conference. It’s about writers like John Warren and Laura Antoniou, who write for us and for the masses. It’s about the BDSM group in your town, and the volunteer leaders who provide a safe environment for all of us. It’s about giant events like the Folsom Street Fair and the New York S/M Film Festival, and about small events like the munch last Friday night. All of these are tentacles that are slowly bringing BDSM into a place of credibility and acceptance.

Are you wondering what I want from you? There is something, but it’s not what you might think. I’m not asking you to march in a leather pride parade or go lobby for BDSM acceptance in Washington . What I am asking you to do is make your daily actions count; that is - spank locally. Come out to the people who know you and dispel the aura of secrecy around what we do. Keeping secrets perpetuates fear. Educate yourself and share your knowledge, especially with novices. Get involved with your local BDSM group and offer to help out. Support our authors by buying their books. Join one of the leather groups who fight for our rights. If the media portrays a BDSM players as dangerous whackos, write a letter of complaint. If a writer, a leader, or just another scene person touches your life - tell them. Fighting the good fight can be a thankless job and a little thank you can make all the difference.

Now that my eyes have been opened to this interdependent web, I cannot be that Submissive who thought Ryan was the be all and end all of Dominants. Nor can I be that person who thinks only of her own pleasure, either on a personal or a political level. Today I am proud to be part of our kinky society and that is why I write, because these words reach far further than I ever could in person, from my home in Vermont to London, and even to Israel . They have become part of the mosaic of our community, one strand of a powerfully strong and flexible network. This strength will be critical as we move into the next phase of our community’s development which I hope and dream will allow all of us to explore freely without fear.

I still had a great time playing with Ryan, but when that was over, I took his hand and showed him what’s happening outside our bedroom window, quietly now, but like a wind rising into a mighty storm.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications