Do You Belong in the BDSM Community?

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

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A while back, my dear friend Graham bestowed upon me his entire collection of kinky toys. Some of it I already had such as the crops and cuffs, but a few items were wonderfully new: a horsehair flogger and a round passing chain, so heavy yet cool against my skin. I was surprised that he would give all this away, after all you never know when the need might arise. And then, I wonder how it is that anyone can come into the scene and go back out. My BDSM orientation is like being lesbian; it’s hard wired in. I figure by the time you actually have a locked chest in your livingroom filled with leather accoutrements, you pretty much have committed yourself to the lifestyle.

Graham has often said that he felt a bit false in the scene, maybe didn’t belong there, a belief which he bases on the behavior he observed at public events. The Dominants who clearly couldn’t control themselves, much less anyone else; the emotional dramas played out from weekend to weekend; and of course the usual smarmy politicking and gossiping. Unfortunately, I can’t really disagree with any of that.

That those activities constitute the "Scene," however, is a whole other matter. The public events – the munches, play parties, and such – are simply the tip of the iceberg of our community. There is far more that makes us up, thankfully; far more of immeasurable strength and meaning. After all, even if you had little to do with your life and attended some event every freaking weekend, that still would be only be weekends. The real community is in the experiences between people that come about every day. There was Graham and myself last night at dinner when he fed me banana sorbet spoonful by spoonful as he chose. If I closed my eyes to the twinkling lights of the restaurant, I could feel the sand of a distant beach against my skin. Only a tinkle of laughter broke the night as he ran his fingers through my hair and down my back. Graham and I are the community.

And so are you, the community. Every time you talk with or write to a friend, every time you have a dinner party or hang with kinky folk. Each time you post to a discussion group or write a poem for your Dominant or your Submissive. Each time you help out a friend who is going through a rough patch in their D/s relationship, or attend a collaring for a couple you care about. Most of all, there is the sexual magic of all the scenes going on every day, every minute, all around the world. Just imagine the combined power of all that.

I don’t know if I convinced Graham of anything about the community, but it turns out that in his heart he is still a Dominant, which begs the question of why I was inheriting all this stuff. Maybe it’s because he never really used these toys much anyway. Graham is the sort who leans more toward the D/s part of BDSM than the play aspect, in that he approaches his dominance as a living construct. He brings his Submissive into the bubble of his protection and cares for her not so much in an ordering around sense, but more in the sense of providing a warm safe space to flower. For Graham, it’s not much about flogging or handcuffing to the bedpost, although he can do those things. He’s more likely to give his partner a bath; not en route to seduction, but a tender expression of faith. Having experienced that with my former partner Griffin, I remember how treasured I felt. When Graham wants to whip his Submissive, he’d rather pull off his belt and take her that way. "It’s so much more intimate," he says. "Oh yes," I thought, "it is," and felt my face flush, and a heat spread downward.

I suppose that Graham will go on not really calling himself a Dominant but still being one, and saying he’s not involved in the scene, even though he still is. What strikes me as particularly interesting is that Graham is divesting himself of kinky toys that he thought he didn’t need because he thought he was no longer part of the scene. When in fact, his Dominance is as vital as ever, perhaps more so for the disappearance of the tools that he doesn’t need and never did. It’s the same for the scene itself really; lots of people think the munches and parties are the real scene, but they are no more representative of our community than those extraneous crops and cuffs are of Graham’s dominant self. We can get rid of the toys, and skip every leather affair on the planet, but he and I, and you as well will always be part of our community. Publicly active, or quietly doing your kinky thing, believe it: everyone belongs.


 

Types of Chain *Click Thumbnail for larger Pic
Photo courtesy Lord Battista from his Chain Demo

Horsehair Flogger from Trac-Leather Floggers

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2007 Sadie Sez Publications