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BDSM
Daytrippers, Lifestylers, and all the Kinky Souls in Between
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Griffin once told me about the story behind the Beatles song
"Day Trippers." He said that it referred to the people who
made a "day trip" to the park each weekend where everyone
gathered to make love not war. It was something of an insult because
"real" hippies, or lifestylers, lived in the park all week
long, refusing to return to their parent's suburban homes even for
folded, fabric softener scented clean clothes. There are several
storylines to this effect in the movie "Hair."
In the BDSM community, we too have our Daytrippers and Lifestylers, and
a whole lotta stuff in between. In this article I'm going to look at the
community as I see it, the perspective of a BDSM writer living in New
England. The disclaimer is, of course, that these descriptions are my
own construct, designed so that we have something to build on, a way to
look at the community from a more objective vantage point.
What is the BDSM Continuum?
I define the continuum not by looking at what kind of BDSM people
practice, but rather a compilation of several factors including time and
money invested in the lifestyle both on a personal and community level,
commitment to BDSM as a relationship factor (whether or not you still
date vanilla people), and your style of practice (Bedroom Submissive vs.
24/7 for example).
Here's what it looks like in graphical form:
Daytrippers
Let's start with what we might call the Daytrippers. Traditionally,
these are people who practice BDSM Lite, the low-cal version. They
attend parties here and there, but it's purely for entertainment or
"Dom and Sub Shopping." Many of them primarily identify with
another alternative lifestyle group such as swinging or lesbians. My gay
friend Donny is a Daytripper. He sometimes goes to events, but it's
catch as catch can, not a priority. He sometimes has a dominant
boyfriend, sometimes a submissive one, and sometimes a vanilla one. He's
not active in any particular group, and hasn't read anything other than
what some people consider the BDSM bible: John Warren's "The
Loving Dominant." He's a dabbler, enjoying BDSM as it is
convenient to his interests at the moment.
Kinky Souls in Between
In the middle of the road is my friend Susan. She and her Dominant
have attended events here in the Vermont area for many years, hosted
both public and private parties, and support some of the groups in
leadership ways. But she'll be the first to tell you that she's more
interested in saving for her new kitchen counter or taking some training
for the next level of her job than she is in the intricacies of slave
positioning, saying, "for me BDSM is fun, icing on the cake of what
Jason and I have, but not the basis of our relationship. He and I can
scene for a while, and then go back to normal and talk about my cats,
our parents, our jobs, the next home improvement one of us wants to do.
Honestly, I don't see how people can put so much time, energy (emotional
and otherwise), and money into BDSM, particularly when other areas of
their lives are clearly in trouble."
Then of course there are people who seem to defy categorization. My
friend Stacey has a friend who defines herself as a "recreational
masochist" in that she is very active in her community,
participates in demonstrations, and plays at a club almost every week.
Stacey says, "She's not at all involved in the Dominant/submissive
part of it - has no interest in surrender - but she's a Lifestyler
surely in the BD-SM part of things. She's not casual at all about it;
she's playful, but not casual, if that makes sense. She's a Lifestyler,
but in some ways she fits more into the Daytripper category because of
the focus on BDSM rather than D/s… just something to muddy up the
waters." Stacey is right that the waters are doubly muddied when
you compare a BD and SM focus to one that is more D/s oriented. Still,
better that than the alternative.
Lifestylers
On the far end of the continuum are the Lifestylers. This groups
does BDSM in a way that entails a greater life commitment in all the
measures I defined above. When I think of Lifestylers, I often think of
Dex of House Mermaid in upstate New York. Dex and his Submissive barbie
live in a 24/7 relationship, in a house that is pretty much God's gift
to BDSMers. With attic and basement dungeons, along with thousands of
dollars worth of equipment, Dex and barbie are able to host and attend
play parties on a weekly basis. Dex works hard at perfecting his craft
with a singletail, and is respected for his contributions to the Albany
community. Dex meets my definition of a Lifestyler because he eats,
breathes, and sleeps BDSM.
Stacey is another type of Lifestyler, who I often quote in my articles
because she can offer the perspective of someone who grooves on her
submissive nature at a core level, although she does not choose to live
24/7 or totally surrender her life like some slaves do. Unlike Dex,
Stacey lives in a typical suburban home in the boonies of Vermont. What
makes Stacey a Lifestyler is not any combination of accoutrements and
community work, but rather that she made a conscious decision to commit
her emotional and spiritual self to her own surrender. She is well read
and aware of what is happening on a local and national level in the BDSM
scene, and although she doesn't play publicly, knows where she fits in
this spectrum. Stacey's bookshelf includes not just the standard The
Loving Dominant, but books like Mark Thompson's classic Leatherfolk,
and fetish photographer Barbara Nitke's book Kiss of Fire. She
still has full control over her career, finances, and softball game, but
when it comes to the emotional interaction of relationships, she is a
dedicated slave. She denies the slave part of course, reminding me
that she retains the right to a few hard limits, but her surrender is
surely complete.
Many people think of me as someone on the far end of
the spectrum, a Lifestyler, because my writing is published on a
national level and my involvement in founding Rose and Thorn of Vermont.
In fact, I consider myself a moderate, an in-betweener on the scale. I
am far more committed than Donny, but hardly committed on an internal
level like the Lifestylers I know. My former relationship with Griffin
focused on BDSM only when we were in the bedroom. We attended events
once a month, but didn't regularly go to clubs, play parties, or other
events. While it is true that I spend a fair bit of time on my writing,
that is more of an internal philosophical and spiritual exploration than
an actual practice of BDSM.
What People Wrongly Think Gives a Person "Street Cred"
I have sadly observed that there's a tendency for Lifestylers, and
particularly players who are either 24/7 or into the Master/Slave
approach to look at Daytrippers with some disdain (not the ones
mentioned here). It's particularly odd because I have never heard a
Daytripper act superior to a Lifestyler simply by virtue of their more
lighthearted approach to BDSM. The intensity of some Lifestyler's
commitment seems to sometimes get tied up with imagined feelings of
superiority. Aside from how tacky and narrow-minded this is, you'd think
that being a minority, we could stick together a little better. On the
other hand, many people on the lighter side of BDSM also seem to feel
that the Lifestyler players have gone a bit over the bend with their
commitment.
Along these lines, I also find that Lifestyles often define
"real" players in ways that are totally invalid. For example,
one player up here in Vermont seems to think that going to the Montreal
clubs is an indicator of one's commitment to the lifestyle. He forgets
that some people don't like clubs, BDSM or otherwise. Another local
player feels that playing in public is necessary to define one's
"street cred," and she looks down at people who prefer to play
in private. Susan puts it this way, "Most everyone in the scene is
understanding and kind to newbies and they give lip service to
"anything goes - there's no one right way," but my experience
is different. The folks I've run into who go to the clubs and parties
and do something every weekend actually sneer at those of us who prefer
more private activities." Yet another local Submissive feels that
length of time involved in the lifestyle is, in itself, indicative of
commitment. This is ridiculous if only because it's certainly possible
to be a close minded and ignorant long-term player (he's surely one of
them, and there's plenty to go around).
Having now spent several pages helping you label our
community a little more, I do want to say that labels can be inherently
bad in some ways because they are inevitably used to limit people. So
the ending disclaimer is this – all these descriptions are fluid, and
people change locations on the continuum as their lives change. The
Daytripper today may have a change of life and submerge themselves
entirely into the lifestyle, and vice versa. The bottom line is that
there is no right way. More isn't always better, and anyone who says
their flavor of BDSM is better than yours is full of themselves. I may
only be showing up at the park on Sundays, but the truth is, I love
being home weekdays for the sweet smell of clean laundry.
REFERENCES
Read the SCENEprofiles Interview with John
Warren, Author of The Loving Dominant
Read the SCENEprofiles Interview with Mark
Thompson, Author of Leatherfolk
Read the SCENEprofiles Interview with Barbara
Nitke, Fetish Photographer
See some of Barbara's
Photography
House Mermaid
http://www.housemermaid.com/
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html
). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com
. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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