The BDSM/Vanilla Continuum - A Tool for Self Reflection

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

I had a Dominant a while back who used to threaten me with vanilla sex if I wasn't a "good Submissive." Vanilla sex meant three minutes of foreplay (a blow job), followed by the conventional seven minutes of intercourse (in missionary position of course), after which we'd smoke a well-earned cigarette (ultralight).

This is a stereotype of vanilla sex of course, but it's funny because those of us in the BDSM world think of our lovemaking as so much more colorful, and it probably is. But it is all part of the continuum of sexuality. I wanted to be able to show this graphically, so I developed this tool to help people see how the various flavors of BDSM fit into the field of things sexual. It also shows my own preferences as an example of each parameter. My hope is that it will help readers think about their own beliefs, and so inform their own sexuality awareness.

The larger continuum shows BDSM and other alternative lifestyles on the left as an overall more liberal approach to sexuality, and the right is the traditional approach to sexuality which we often refer to as "vanilla." Now I'll admit this term a bit dicey, but it's the best I can do. I have written an article on the subject called BDSM Relationships: Vanilla with a Dash of Kink, or a Whole Different Animal? Which is included in the references. Quoting this article, here's my definition of vanilla:

The main challenge in defining the BDSM relationship is that you can argue down just about any definition because it's so difficult to measure relationships quantitatively. You might talk about the "power exchange," but then of course that very same dynamic is present in many vanilla relationships. You might bring up bondage, or sadism; but even those are present in traditional relationship at one level or another. My approach to BDSM has to do with the quality and intensity of the commitment to these things, a qualitative approach, and one that puts BDSM on a continuum with vanilla relationships; related in the sense that all relationships are about connection, but clearly different. While each person's definition will be unique to their approach to relationships, most will agree that relationships where the participants define the dynamic as BDSM are practicing the elements of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism at a far more intense level.

My editor Gary Switch adds that, "Using the word 'vanilla' when referring to a subset of specific sex acts is less meaningful than having it refer to traditional mores and traditional attitudes. Having missionary-position intercourse only with your spouse in bed, under the covers, with the lights off, is way different than having it in the midst of an orgy with somebody you met five minutes ago."

On the BDSM end I included a number of parameters and rated myself on each one as an example for each one. I encourage you to read through each one and give some thought to where you fit in. Just a friendly reminder that there is no right or wrong answer to these parameters, and your self-ratings may well change as your relationships change. The descriptors are included here simply to get you thinking.

They include:

Submissive – Switch – Dominant
The most common designation of course. I am mostly Submissive, but occasionally I enjoy dominating as well.

Public Play
I put myself on the low end of Public Play because I generally do not attend play parties or similar public events. I think of my approach as a more traditional one because some community members think of me as somewhat "prudish" because of this. (If they only knew!)

Casual Play versus Relationship Oriented
I put myself on the high end here because although I did for many years play with partners in a casual (uncommitted, possibly only knowing them a very short time) way, I am currently focusing on committed relationships with a traditional romantic love component.

Poly versus Monogamy
There is a contingent of players who engage in polygamy, polyandry, polyamory, swinging and open relationships. My love relationships have all started out monogamous, and eventually progressed to being open (being primarily together, but occasionally playing with others). My other lovers have all been open relationships. You could say I lie somewhere in the middle.

Commitment to Lifestyle (Don't date Vanilla)
I have a high commitment to the lifestyle in that I have dated exclusively in the BDSM community for over six years. I don't feel that a vanilla relationship, no matter how wonderful, could ever totally fulfill me. This being said, I am considering some alternative approaches to dating that I'll be writing about soon.

How Out Am I? (Family & Friends are aware of my orientation)
All my close friends and family know that I'm into BDSM. Of course how much they know varies a lot, but I don't believe in keeping secrets. That said, my co-workers do not know about my sex life, but then there's no reason why they should. I also do not tell anyone who I feel could put me at risk.

Active & Visible in BDSM Community
I put myself high on this measure because of my former leadership as well as my current writing which is read on an international level. This is very different than the average scene person, even many who are active in their local community but do not think about what we're doing on a national level.

B/D Devotion - importance of bondage and discipline activities to sex life
I rated myself middling on this because while I enjoy bondage and discipline, it's not a huge part of my interior life.

D/s Devotion - importance of control-related activities to sex life
This area is probably the key area of my approach to BDSM. I enjoy the act of submission in itself.

S/M Devotion - importance of pain/fear/sensation-related activities to sex life
I'm not much of a pain slut (more of a pain wimp!), so I rated myself very low in this one.

Spirituality/Sexuality Connection
I am very focused on the connection between spirituality and sexuality, but I have found that most people in the community have little interest in this topic.


Are there areas you'd like me to add to this continuum? Please feel free to e-mail me with your ideas.

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REFERENCES

See my article: BDSM Relationships: Vanilla with a Dash of Kink, or a Whole Different Animal?
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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html ). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications