|
|
|
BDSM Relationships: Vanilla with a
Dash of Kink, or a Whole Different Animal?
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Once upon a time when I dated vanilla men, I went for the tough looking
types. I may not have known what BDSM was, but I knew what I wanted and
this was the only way I could get it. What I got was a lot of rough sex
with a few spankings, a few blindfolds, and a few ties to the bed. It
wasn’t until I entered the wide wide world of BDSM that I discovered how
different an animal it is.
Many players think of BDSM as spice for their love life, or just a
different style of lovemaking, like bisexual play versus heterosexual
play. But even these are still variations on the vanilla model of
relationships. I have observed several fundamental differences in the
way that BDSM relationships play out. I believe that it is a completely
different paradigm, just as the experience of having relationships in
cyberspace is a radical departure from thousands of years of having
relationships in person. There are also many things in common: love,
respect, trust, commitment, connection; the things that most people
yearn for. So, what’s so different? This article will look at some of
those differences and outline a model for a unique type of relationship.
The main challenge in defining the BDSM relationship is that you can
argue down just about any definition because it’s so difficult to
measure relationships quantitatively. You might talk about the "power
exchange," but then of course that very same dynamic is present in many
vanilla relationships. You might bring up bondage, or sadism; but even
those are present in traditional relationship at one level or another.
My approach to BDSM has to do with the quality and intensity of the
commitment to these things, a qualitative approach, and one that puts
BDSM on a continuum with vanilla relationships; related in the sense
that all relationships are about connection, but clearly different.
While each person’s definition will be unique to their approach to
relationships, most will agree that relationships where the participants
define the dynamic as BDSM are practicing the elements of Bondage,
Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism at a far more
intense level.
So here is my own paradox - that Vanilla and BDSM exist on the same
continuum, but in many ways are qualitatively different. Despite these
challenges, I might argue that while a handy definition may elude me, I
know it when I see it.
Open Communication is Not an Option
Many vanilla couples go for years before ever sharing fantasies with
each other. In contrast, BDSM couples often exchange checklists of their
most intimate sexual interests and health issues before ever engaging in
play. I even signed health disclosure and consent forms with one
Dominant. This level of communication changes the way people relate and
interact before they have intimate relations. It can also cause problems
for people who cannot talk openly about their sexuality. This kind of
discussion about sexuality is equally important in the vanilla world,
but not only can be easily disregarded, but in fact is often frowned
upon. Disregarding communication in the BDSM sphere can lead to more
than just hurt feelings, it can lead to physical harm.
More Variety and Exploration of Non-Traditional Types of Eroticism
My sister has told me of her eight hour lovemaking sessions with her
paramour, but it’s all basically in the domain of vanilla sex. She’s a
bit of a bawdy girl like myself, so she may include lingerie, anal sex,
oral sex, and other "traditional" sexual flavors. But no where in all
that lingerie, anal sex, and oral sex is there a power exchange. No
where is there the kind of implements you’ll find hanging in my closet:
floggers, fleece-lined cuffs, pinwheels, and more. It’s not just about
the equipment, but our approach to using that equipment.
BDSM relationships by definition include a wider variety of relationship
styles and orientations. Bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality,
polygamy, polyamory, and open relationships are common and discussed
freely. Then there is the Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission,
Sadism, and Masochism of the BDSM panorama. Unlike the vanilla world we
are commonly in contact with cross-dressers, transgendered persons, and
people with specialized fetishes.
Unlike my sister who has been making love essentially the same way for
20 years, we have expectations of continually exploring new territories.
More Focus on Non-Sexual Modes of Intimate Relations
Much of BDSM is about sex, but much of it is not. Lots of exploration
occurs in alternative ways of experiencing our body, mind, and spirit,
from body modification to masochistic surrender to the "flow" of Dom and
Subspace. Orgasms are nice, but we can have those anytime. BDSM offers a
unique means to connect with another human being.
Freedom to Express Our Orientation without Fear
While all these variations on the BDSM theme do occur in the vanilla
world, they are often explored secretly, with a sense of shame, and with
an awareness that these activities are considered abuse or mental
illness. Only within our own relationships and community can we speak
freely and express our BDSM orientation in our own way, without fear.
More Structure
BDSM relationships have an inherent structure that may or not be present
in vanilla relationships. The Dominant/Submissive form is a yin/yang of
giving and receiving power. The power exchange may occur with vanilla
couples, but it is an unstated and covert operation. In contrast, we
revel in making this exchange overt, often through written contracts.
Whether it be a 24/7 Master/slave relationship or just an hour of
topping someone after breakfast, the roles are clearly delineated.
A Greater Vulnerability
There is a great vulnerability in loving someone, but turning over your
body and mind to another human being requires a greater vulnerability, a
unique faith. When we give up control over our selves, we experience
something that has no parallel in the vanilla paradigm. (except maybe in
the army.) This also means that when our relationships fail, the fallout
can be more devastating. It’s one thing to make love with someone you
hardly know, where the biggest risk is a sexually transmitted disease or
a pregnancy. BDSM relationships not only absorb those risks, but add the
emotional risks of being totally helpless, or totally in control.
Burning Hot and Sizzling Cold
We all know vanilla friends who fall in love, do crazy things, then
discover a few months down the road that they made a radical mistake.
Love does indeed make us see people the way we want to see them. The
dynamics of BDSM add another layer to this complex dynamic. It’s common
for BDSM relationships to burn as hot as the love infatuation, then
sputter out even colder. Part of this has to do with the fact that
novices who have fantasized about a BDSM experience their whole life
often go a little crazy their first time out of the gate. But even
experienced players can lose sight of their rational mind when trying
out new types of BDSM play. The experience of exploring a new part of
your Dominant or Submissive nature is a form of infatuation in itself,
sometimes causing us to bite off way more than we can chew, or mistake
those wildly new sensations as love or commitment. Maintaining a
relationship is hard enough, but maintaining it in the BDSM context is a
heck of a bear.
Exhibitionism & Learning By Example
There is a much higher level of exhibitionism in the BDSM culture than
in the vanilla one. Only a few minority cultures such as the gay and
swingers parties in the vanilla culture even allow for, much less
encourage this kind of behavior. The vanilla model is one of keeping sex
in the bedroom, in private. In contrast, we can attend play parties
designed to allow us to interact in front of an audience. We also have
the opportunity to learn from mentors at play parties and in private, in
a way that rarely occurs in the vanilla sphere.
More Poseurs
I’ve often wondered why so many players in the scene who do not seem to
be well grounded emotionally. For someone with shaky self esteem or self
image, BDSM is a powerful construct on which to base a new personality.
You will find Dominants who started out as pretty nice people (although
maybe a bit insecure), dress in yards of black leather in order to gain
a respect that they did not previously engender. On the Submissive side,
being taken care of by someone can provide a sense of self esteem and
identity that may not be available to them as a regular Joe or Jane.
While there are certainly lots of people in the vanilla world who use
their work or hobbies to construct an identity, there’s not much risk
with some fool pretending they’re a CEO when they’re not. There is a
risk with both Dominants and Submissives who do not know themselves well
enough to play safely or engage in relationships.
Greater Risk and Greater Payoff
With physical and emotional vulnerability comes higher risk. We risk our
bodies being damaged, being outed, and having our heart broken in
strange ways that we are not equipped to handle. Of course even vanilla
people have their hearts broken, but our social structure and culture
supports and even glamorizes the broken heart. There is no rulebook in
the public arena (notwithstanding books on BDSM) that helps a slave
manage the unique pain of being dumped by a Master who he worshipped.
Not only are we mostly on our own when it comes to recovering from
failed BDSM relationships, but we often cannot share the unique issues
of our relationships with our vanilla friends, who simply cannot
understand what it is that we do.
On the good side, the rewards can be extraordinary. Not just to love,
but to fly. Not just to have intimacy, but to see right into another’s
soul. To trust as you have never trusted before; to be trusted as you
have never been trusted before. Our relationships may be more work and
more risk, but the payoff is an incomparable experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com.
Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
|
|
|
