Sadie’s Coming Out Series Part 2 of 2
How to Share Your Kinky Side with Friends and Family without Freaking Anyone Out

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Read Part 1: Is Your Friend Ready to Hear About Your Kinky Lifestyle? Read this Before Proceeding…

I’ve heard some pretty awful stories about people outed in the BDSM community, from folks losing their jobs to having problems with custody of their children. I bet you’ve heard a few of these too and have probably thought twice before sharing your kinky orientation. And unless you don’t have anything to lose – and few of us have that luxury – we have to take care with whom we share our private life. The first article of this series looked at issues around how to choose safe people to disclose your orientation to. This second part is about how to have that discussion with a friend or family member in a calm and effective manner. There’s plenty of information on coming out if you are gay or lesbian, but coming out as a BDSM practitioner entails some special issues because of the sadistic and masochistic elements that can be darn scary for the listener.

I have come out to both my family and many vanilla friends and so far, no dire consequences have occurred. That said, I have also had a number of people react in negative and startlingly narrow minded ways. These latter people have never became intimate friends with me because they were not able to accept who I was; my BDSM orientation is too much a part of me to put back in the closet. You may not feel that you need to tell anyone, but if you do want the freedom to be fully yourself with the people you love and care about, this article is for you.

There are several parts of the BDSM arena that seem to activate the greatest fear in vanilla people. Of the Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism  options, the ones that bring up the most anxiety in my experience are Submission (primarily for women), Sadism, and Masochism. Each of these has been addressed in great detail in other articles so I won’t go into them in great detail here. You can also read my own articles on these issues which are noted at the end of this article.

Submission can be a special issue for women because many other women and some men feel that submitting is an extension of emotional and/or physical abuse. They cannot understand the difference between an abusive relationship in the broader community and what we do, even when I explain the very real difference of a safe and sane submissive experience. Ironically they often don’t seem to have as many issues with men submitting, presumably because men have more power in their day-to-day life. Sadism is a particular issue because it is seen as abuse or torture which is associated, appropriately, with war and other atrocities in our society. Separating it from these kinds of broader issues requires serious discussion at a level that not everyone is capable of. Masochism on the other hand carries with it the stigma of bad self-esteem, as if you would only want to suffer if you were filled with self hatred. Most vanilla people are not aware of how common masochism is in our religious history, as well as in a wide variety of spiritual and other practices.

This all said, how do you begin a conversation with someone with whom you want to share your inner self? There are a few ways to do it that are more effective than others. The two best I’ve found are either in person or in writing. Doing it in person allows your listener to see you, hear you, and ask you lots of questions. Writing a letter allows your reader to read at their own pace and think about it before reacting. Of course you’ll want to meet with them in person afterward so that you can answer the questions they’re sure to have. Choosing which method to use will depend on the person you’re coming out to.

Once you’ve decided how to communicate with your family member or friend, you’ll want to develop a loose script in advance so that you’re prepared. The main thing you’ll want to have on hand and printed out is some basic information on BDSM to give to your friend to read more in depth after you’ve talked. I’ve been using Desmond Ravenstone’s booklet titled Another Hue in the Rainbow: Learning About the BDSM Community - An Information Packet for UU Leaders and Congregations. This extended article is designed for use introducing BDSM to a Unitarian Universalist community, but its direct and simple style of explaining BDSM is also wonderfully useful for to individuals.

Once you’re ready for the actual conversation, you’ll want to sit down with your friend and tell them you have something important to share with them. Turn off the cell phones and go somewhere private where the kids won’t be interrupting you. This is not a time when you want to be distracted. Here’s a list of some general strategies I use when talking with someone:
 

• Tell your friend that what you share is deeply personal and confidential. Ask them not to discuss it with anyone and ask for their explicit agreement.
• Keep the conversation short – about one half hour unless your friend wants to talk longer and ask questions. You don’t want to overwhelm them with information.
• Start with the personal and work out the information from other sources. "I’d like to share with you something about my personal sex life that’s very important to me."
• There’s no need to share what you are specifically doing in the bedroom. Use general analogies such as "You probably have enjoyed your lover tying you up once or twice with scarves or giving you a little spank on the fanny. Well I really like getting that too, (or giving that) but it’s more of a sexual orientation for me…"
• Introduce some written material and explain what BDSM is. That is – explain what the six words mean: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism . Write them out on a piece of paper so you both can refer to them easily. Explain which parts you relate to personally. (again, not into too much detail).
• Avoid any discussion of edge play such as blood or breath play, intense sadistic or masochistic experiences or anything particularly scary. This is for a discussion down the road only if they’re really interested and ask you about it. My friend Jon, a self-described sadist, puts it this way: “I've had a bad experience opening up to a vanilla friend, a militant feminist and a doctor. I probably will never do it again unless it is required for some reason. The result was that she said she could never leave me alone with her kids. I suppose sadism and pedophilia could be confused, even if one is a physician, but it was a severe disappointment from such a close friend.”
• Explain the Safe, Sane and Consensual creed that most of the community agrees on and how we take care of each other with safe words.
• Be prepared to not get defensive as they may ask questions that make you anxious or edgy. Most people don’t know much about our lifestyle and you will need to do a lot of educating.
• Your friend or family member may not react well, and you may need to be ready to leave on friendly terms, but knowing that it’s unlikely your friendship will continue.
• If your friend reacts in a hostile way, don’t react. Try to continue the conversation but if it gets truly angry, thank them for listening and leave quietly. Do not allow anyone to bully you or abuse you. Get away and call a kinky friend for some support immediately.
   

My friend Jon points out some of the difficulties in this benign approach: “Remember that explaining that you want to be spanked is very different than saying that you want to tie women up and leave welts on them. If the conversation is very superficial, the two may appear to be the same, as in saying: ‘I'm into BDSM,’ but what is the point of sharing something that has so little content? If the conversation really shares aspects of your personality and desires, the role as Sadist becomes much more difficult to sell to anyone. I suppose I could just say ‘I like to spank girls gently on their precious fannies’ but to me, that seems worse than saying nothing at all. That said, saying something superficial may not be useful communication, but it can be a starting point for more conversations in the future.

Coming out to friends and family can be pretty scary at first, but after the first few times you’ll find it comes much easier. You will also get much better at choosing the right people to share with. I have found that having vanilla friends who truly know who I am and accept me for that is an incredibly freeing experience, and I bless all those people who have been open to my inner self. You too will find those people if you address your coming out with care. Interestingly, Desmond Ravenstone also adds that, "When a member of any sexual minority discloses to someone, it is not unheard of for the listener to see that individual as "the expert" on the issues surrounding that minority, and even sexuality in general. My own approach is to turn that into a positive, to bone up so as to better serve as an emissary and bridge builder. Of course, if you're not comfortable in that role, then you should find a good way to let this be known, and to refer people to good resources." Desmond is right and I’ve found that my vanilla friends have sent a few novices my way who needed someone to educate them, and for that I’m glad that I’d shared who I was in the first place. For that, I send you courage as well.





RESOURCES

Another Hue in the Rainbow: Learning About the BDSM Community - An Information Packet for UU Leaders and Congregations
By Desmond Ravenstone
This packet is intended to introduce Unitarian Universalist ministers, directors of religious education, and congregational leaders to the reality behind one of these minority groups: the BDSM or "kink" community.  We’ll explore what BDSM is (and is not), the BDSM community and its ethical principles, issues of discrimination and prejudice, and how UUs can help.
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/spiritualityarticles/desmondravenstoneanotherhue.htm 


Articles by Sadie

The Nature of Sadism and the Sadism of My Nature
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/dom/naturesadism.htm

The Feminist Submissive, and a Spiritual Approach to Surrender
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/spirituality/feministsubmissive.htm

Sadie Comes Out as a Bawdy Girl, and So Much More Part I of II
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/editorials/sadiecomesoutpart1.htm

Part II of II
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/editorials/sadiecomesoutpartII.htm

Exploring the Phenomenon of Strong Female Submissives
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadiescolumns/sub/exploringphenom.htm

Other Articles

Coming Out in Kink?
http://www.marquise.org.uk/articles26.htm

Coming out into SM
http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/articles/101/



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Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2007 Sadie Sez Publications