Sadie’s Coming Out Series Part 1 of 2
Is Your Friend Ready to Hear About Your Kinky Lifestyle? Read this Before Proceeding…

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

Read Part 2: How to Share Your Kinky Side with Friends and Family without Freaking Anyone Out

It’s not often I can say I’ve learned something from the powers in Washington DC, but there is one area where they’ve got it right. When a delicate situation is coming up where politicos are unsure of which way the wind will blow, they send up what’s called a "test balloon." In more prosaic terms, someone might slip a rumor out and watch the response of the rank and file. If the reaction is negative, well then they’ll have plausible deniability. If it floats off into the air light as a cloud, then they know that it’s a go.

I was thinking about this whole test balloon thing the other day because sending one up is something I should have done and hadn’t. You see, I had brought my new book on BDSM and spirituality to share with a friend, a vanilla friend. She already knew about my kinky lifestyle so I presumed that she’d be ready to actually see it in print. Lead Balloon number one! Unfortunately, although she offered lip service to how I’d broadened her mind, she then spent a goodly amount of time telling me how my book had brought to mind all the abusive relationships she knew of in her friends and family. She also expressed many fears about the "dangers" of BDSM. I of course explained all the usual stuff about Safe, Sane and Consensual, and reminded her that she’d known me for over a decade and clearly I was not being damaged either physically or emotionally.

Sadly, the damage in her mind was not to be dissuaded by me sitting across from her, cheerful as a spring morning. I realized then that I had given her a book that was far past her readiness in terms of her awareness of BDSM. In reality I should have probed further about her consciousness of our lifestyle before jumping into how it’s a form of spiritual transformation. And so, I’d like to share with you how I usually send up some test balloons before I jump into the "outing" conversation. This isn’t a discussion about how to have that actual discussion, but rather on the pre-exploratory work that you need to do before sharing your innermost self. The second article of this series will look at some strategies for coming out to friends and family.

The first thing I almost always observe in my approach is getting to know someone very well before sharing my personal life with them. This seems obvious, but it is also true that so many people open up about their personal life far too early. My friend and author Desmond Ravenstone comments about this: "Don't lead with your sexuality. It's not only good in terms of not giving offense, but for the overall goal of helping people see sexuality as a natural part of everyone's personhood. You would no more introduce yourself as left-handed or a cat lover any more than you would introduce yourself as a pervert. When it's appropriate to disclose and you feel comfortable doing so, then just make it a natural part of your conversation." I take an even more conservative approach and generally encourage kinky people to keep their sexual life private, especially with vanilla folk. Most of us have a keen sense of being outed and the risks that may come along with that because of our jobs and families, but if you don’t, it’s a good idea to play on the safe side of the street. Even if you don’t have anything to lose by being "out," most vanilla folk do not want or need to know what you are doing in the bedroom, and our culture teaches that sexuality is a deeply personal topic. Unless you are a sexual activist and are educating the community in a directed manner, you are only likely to make others uncomfortable.

Once you have decided to share your personal life with someone, you will want to closely observe the person you’re talking with and find out their overall approach to sexuality. People who are generally open minded about it tend to express this one way or another. If you’re not sure, it’s easy to find out by making a mildly naughty joke or comment and seeing how they respond. You can even joke about whipping or flogging and see if they smile, as those kinds of comments are often used without any real deeper meaning. This said, many people are highly sexual but not necessarily highly sexual in an alternative sense, so you still will want to be careful about how far you go in opening up. For example, I have a neighbor who I was considering coming out to. She’s in her mid thirties and with a friendly fuck-buddy, and spends her free time partying at the local clubs. I figured she was fairly safe to talk with, but as I got to know her better I realized that she came from a somewhat conservative family and in fact she dreamed of settling down and having a baby. When I joked with her about her lover, she didn’t pick up the conversation and joke back. It turns out that she’s actually fairly serious about sex and finds my openness about sexuality a bit over the top, and she hasn’t even heard about my kinky side! I decided not to open up to her, and I’m glad that I waited to know her better.

Another attribute to look for in a person you might open up to is whether or not you can trust them to keep your private life to themselves. One part of this is clearly stating to them that anything you share with them needs to be kept confidential. I have several times shared with friends without saying this explicitly, and discovered later that they found my lifestyle so fascinating that they couldn’t help but share it with someone else. This of course came back to me, sometimes in not so pleasant ways. Our lifestyle is sexy and titillating to others, even if it has become normalized in our own minds; so be sure that the people you share with understand where you stand in terms of your privacy comfort level. Remember that they are unlikely to explain BDSM as well as you do, and if they describe what you do to others it’s likely to come out in a very different and possibly bizarre way.

If you’re not sure if a person is a safe receiver for your sharing, here are some general guidelines that I use when thinking about this situation:

What Kind of Folks are Most Likely To be Receptive to Kinky Lifestyles

Some Groups that To Tread Carefully Around

• Political liberals. Liberal politics does not equal liberal sexuality. Different animals entirely.
• Conservative religious groups. Broadly speaking these groups are also sexually conservative.

It would be nice if we all lived in an open and honest world and our sexuality made no difference to anyone. But members of any sexual minority such as lesbians, gays, and particularly transgendered people will tell you quite clearly that being recognized as a member of those minorities has at times put them in very real danger, both personally and professionally. It is sadly the same for us, although fortunately for the most part we can keep our proclivities to ourselves if we so choose. That said, it is a wonderful and freeing thing to not have to hide who we are. I personally have chosen to come out to my family and all my close vanilla friends, with no negative consequences. But that is also because I have taken great care in who I share with. I hope that you too will come out to the people you trust and care about so that you too can feel this sense of freedom with at least a few people in your life.



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Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at http://www.sensuoussadie.com/. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2007 Sadie Sez Publications