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Exploring BDSM without a Partner
Part II: Exploring Subspace through Alternative Mind Places Part III: Submitting and Surrender to Self Part IV: Self Reflection and Personal Growth During the In-Between Period
By Sensuous Sadie This article looks at various ways both Dominants and submissives can cope with periods of being single. While the focus is on submissives, many of the suggestions also work equally well for Dominants.
My friend Leela says the best times to process your personal issues are when you are in relationship, because your partner brings out your weaknesses and unresolved problems. In a way she's right. After all, it's hard to learn how to be in a relationship unless you have an actual person to practice with. Leela is only half right though. There's another important time for relationships, the quiet, unengaged time. This time happens between relationships when you get the opportunity to engage in extended self-reflection. This period is an opportunity to get acquainted with your passions and interests without the distraction of a partner. It's a chance to build up your sense of self, of who you are and who you are looking for. It's important to define yourself first as an individual, a whole individual. If you come into relationship needy or confused, that neediness and confusion can become the foundation of the relationship. For a stable and strong relationship, you must first be stable and strong yourself. One of the best ways to find out who you are is with writing, either journaling or through poetry and fiction. How did you discover your orientation? What have you learned about your own BDSM practice? How would you describe your philosophy? What turns you on? What kind of Dominant are you looking for? How have your needs changed over time? What worked in your last D/s relationship? What will you do differently next time? If you don't like to write, fantasize instead. It's all about the processing. On the practical side, keep in touch with the BDSM community, whether online or in real life. Go to munches, make friends, attend play parties, visit Internet chats, and place personal ads. It may be these things don't net you a partner, but they will do a lot to keep your spirits up. They will also keep you in touch with the lifestyle, and you never know who might introduce you to your next partner. The key thing is to engage with life; enough so angst about your next partner is minimized. Desperation isn't at all attractive in anyone, much less a submissive. You might also consider getting involved a partner who is not exactly what you are looking for. As long as you don't make a long-term commitment to being collared to, or collaring this person, they may be able to offer you some experiences you would not have had otherwise. Perhaps you could explore the possibilities of formal training, or someone of the gender you don't usually go for. The idea is to use this time to explore areas of interest you might not have otherwise, and which you may not have the freedom to do once you're in a relationship. One option I have explored is having a "Dominant lover." Although I am committed to finding a long-term partner who can dominate me at a sophisticated level, I still need love and cuddling. Although he is not the kind of Dominant I dream about, having a regular lover offers me the affection I need. We all need attention, and it's a reasonable alternative to share these things with a good friend if romantic love is not available at the moment. For the single Dominant - use this time to read up, practice your technique, and learn to control yourself. For example you might learn to discipline yourself first by organizing your office, eating more healthy foods, or being kind to puppies. Learn to control your emotions, not so you are unable to express them, rather so you don't lose control when expressing them. Use your powerful Dominant energy for good causes in the universe. Leadership is always needed.
My message here is that being single need not be an impatient stint in the waiting room of relationships. I encourage you to use your freedom to explore your self, your dreams, and your passions. Then when you do meet your next partner, you will be ready to offer your very best self.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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