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Exploring BDSM without a Partner Part II: Exploring Subspace through Alternative Mind Places Part III: Submitting and Surrender to Self Part IV: Self Reflection and Personal Growth During the In-Between Period
By Sensuous Sadie This article looks at various ways both Dominants and submissives can cope with periods of being single. While the focus is on submissives, many of the suggestions also work equally well for Dominants.
The
masturbatory mode favors the tendency to celibacy, which is the final
step in auto-eroticism. Not by repression, but by progression, one
learns to cycle the erotic energy totally within one’s body, and thus
becomes self contained. This homeostasis is considered by some to be the
highest form of erotic evolution.
In my fantasies, my Dominant is fabulous, confident, and in love with me. In my dreams, we sprinkle our creative energy over the dessert of BDSM, a snowshower of powdered sugar. In my reality, dominants come and go. Sometimes experienced, sometimes not. Sometimes creative, sometimes not. Sometimes in love, sometimes not. In the in-betweentimes, I find myself at odds with how to keep in touch with my submissive nature, even how to think about my nature when it isn't in relation to another. Many people think that if love, or submission is to be "real" it has to be accepted by another. Years ago I fell in love with my friend Damien, a technophile like me, a gentle soul. Sadly, it was unrequited love. I grieved for six months after, during which an acquaintance asked me if I'd gotten over my "crush" on Damien. I replied that I didn't appreciate my feelings being diminished in that way, and that even if Damien was unable to love me the same way, it didn't make my feelings less valid. My feelings for Damien were not imaginary, nor were they less creditable because he was not in love with me. Whatever it wasn't or didn't have a chance to become; it was still real. I wonder if somehow my submission becomes less "valid" because my gift of submission is not being accepted by anyone, just as Damien did not accept my love. Being an unattached submissive is a bit like that unrequited love, in that it's not validated by Hollywood style romantic love, something which is always about two people grooving together. We do need a partner to express the deeper dynamic of the D/s relationship. But just as in life, we can also explore much of our natures on our own. American culture tends to credit the coupled up, leaving us unattached souls to lag behind. We may also need a new word to describe the times when we are not engaged with a partner, if only to throw off that negative stereotype. Even the word "unmarried" suggests that being "married" is the more right way to be. I prefer to call myself "single" because it has a positive, lively feeling to it. A single submissive. The challenge about being single is that it feels like you have to wait around until you find a partner to explore your BDSM orientation. Perhaps you have just started exploring BDSM and haven't found the right partner yet. You may be between partners, or perhaps, like me, you find the single life just plain a better fit. Sometimes we are alone even when we have a partner. They may be away or sick, or otherwise unavailable. A friend told me about a time when her Master had decided he would no longer be dominating her. Being a slave, she thought maybe she should just go along with it because it was what her Master wanted, even if a non D/s relationship was what he wanted. I thought this was ridiculous. The D/s relationship is a power "exchange," in that there are two of you, each pulling one oar of the rowboat. If one person opts out of the agreement, then there is no power exchange, just one person rowing the boat in circles. Pretending you are "submitting" to his "not dominating" makes your submission an act only in your own mind. Of course, submitting (or dominating) in your own mind is what this column is about. It may seem to be the poor cousin of having a partner do unto you, but I'd like to suggest an alternative mental scenario. Just as masturbating teaches us about our sexual selves, auto-BDSM provides an opportunity to explore our kinky proclivities. The more specifically you can define your orientation, the better you will be able to both choose compatible partners and have satisfying relationships. For example, what kind of flogging do you prefer, thuddy or stingy? Do you enjoy genital torture? Do you connect your BDSM activities with your sexuality, or are they independent? Exploring with yourself also can help satisfy both your physical and emotional needs for the submissive experience. Part II: Self-Inflicted BDSM In the long periods between seeing my partner who lived a few hours away, I had plenty of time to myself. In place of his sure hands, I placed clothespins on my labia and nipples while I masturbated. The clamps on my pussy lips brought tears to my eyes, welcome tears, and also prevented me from coming too easily. The clamps on my nipples burned as I pulled them off just as I did finally release, burning in a way I sorely needed. Afterward I'd stare in the mirror at my roughened nipples, wincing even as I touched them with cool aloe. This is "self-inflicted" BDSM. Maybe not optimal, but not bad either. Most of us have done this at one time or another, either when a partner wasn't available or maybe when we first started fantasizing about being dominated. There are three different areas of self-inflicted BDSM: punishment, bondage, and orgasm denial. Self-punishment can be the easiest, as all you need is a few toys and your naked body. And this isn't something only for submissives. While these techniques may seem to be totally oriented to the submissive, they can be used by Dominants as well. One Dominant I know uses masochistic techniques to increase his own pleasure, both while dominating others as well and when alone. Pain does not have to translate directly into a submissive space. In fact, surmounting pain can be considered a courageous and a Dominant act. Punishment Many BDSM situations can easily be replicated when alone. Nipple, vaginal, and cock & ball torture are a snap with the help of handy nipple clamps or any variety of other tortuous toys. It's reasonably safe to flog yourself on the back in the way the Jesuits did, and in fact this is how many Dominants try out their own floggers. My friend and fellow editor Gary Switch does it this way: "I like to flog my own back, striking both over my shoulders and around my sides. It's a good kind of wrapping, which is a perfectly acceptable flogging technique if it's under control. Striking back over your shoulders with any reasonable-length instrument, you're unlikely to hit any dangerous areas like your neck or your kidneys. As long as you manage not to hit yourself in the head, you should be fine." Of course when using paddles or crops, probably safer to stick your frontal side so as not to twist your arm paddling your own ass. Mystress Domin8rex, in her article Why Seek Painful Experiences? Comments: "early Christians used to flog themselves until they experienced endorphin ecstasy, they interpreted the sensations as the Holy Spirit filling them with joy." Regardless of your interpretation of the act, you must follow the same safety precautions you would use when flogging, cropping, or padding anyone else. My friend Savannah says "As a novice, while waiting for my Dom to claim me, I did lots of self-inflicted BDSM: hot waxing, nipple clamps, clit torture. I found it to be very pleasant, but there was still something missing... a Dominant! I personally could not reach subspace until I met my Master and he had the control. In-between seeing him, I still self-inflict." Another friend Susan says: "I went to the hardware store once and bought C-clamps and wore them home on my nipples. I was dripping wet when I made it home." She adds: " I had a Dom call me once and he told me to hit myself with a spoon and I laughed at him. He got mad and hung up on me." The moral of the story is that sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. The other thing to remember is while you may not reach "subspace" per se, it doesn’t mean you can't have a hot little time with yourself, or as my friend Mia says "Now that I am all hot and bothered, I think I'll go spend quality time with myself." Bondage Unless you are a magician in training, tying yourself up with rope may be impossible. In any case, tying anyone up presents a number of risk factors, so I only recommend self-bondage with strong qualifications. The safest option is to use Velcro cuffs, which can be torn off easily. Attach your feet first to the corners of the bed or to hooks from the ceiling, then your hands. If you insist on using rope, scarves or cuffs, bind only your feet and utilize mental self-control to hold your hands in one place. Never immobilize yourself completely, and make sure you have a phone nearby just in case. If you decide to do self-bondage I strongly recommend you read Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook which gives extensive advice on doing this safely. Other easy options include waxing and anal plugs. One submissive I read about froze his handcuffs key into a block of ice, inserted an anal plug, clamped on nipple clamps, and handcuffed himself to a pole. As he waited for the ice to melt, he suffered deliciously. He also had a friend check on him often just in case. Obviously he knew in the back of his mind he'd have the "out," so the sense of submission may have been limited, but the pain and "discomfort" were probably just as intense as they would have been with a real Dominant on hand. You can also try mental bondage, which might include putting yourself in a cage, closet, or other confined place for a certain amount of time (Don't lock yourself in). If you are able to do so, you can also prevent yourself from moving around, perhaps committing two hours to your bed without leaving. Of course you can integrate some of the self-inflicted BDSM during this time. Practices like yoga can also be seen as a form of self-bondage as you hold a particular position for what can be long periods of time. Orgasm Denial As my readers know, I've had a long-standing interest in chastity, both the physical and mental flavors. Using a real chastity belt is the easiest way to explore. You can give the key to a friend or keep it frozen in an ice cube. A male submissive I know put himself into a CB-2000 male chastity belt, and mailed the key to himself. This forced him to suffer for a few days until the key arrived. He also used a disposable plastic lock so it could be cut off in an emergency. Depending on your ability to self regulate, you can limit your pleasure by only allowing yourself a few minutes of pleasure before stopping, or by using other methods to douse your arousal. I find ice to be particularly effective, not to mention painful in a warped way. You can also decide not to orgasm for a few days or a few weeks. This decision itself will probably make you very horny which may negate the whole thing, but it's fun anyway!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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