Adultery and the Vanilla Spouse
By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com


My column on how I almost committed adultery seems to bring out the best and worst in people. Half are cheating spouses who write me to explain their actions, and the rest are victims of cheating and express equally strong feelings. What was missing from this discussion were ways to keep a relationship intact when one person is of the BDSM persuasion and one is not. In the process of looking at this issue I asked a number of people how they managed to keep a relationship going. This article will look at some ways that people survive what can be an extremely complex situation.

What is Adultery?
First let’s get our definitions straight. I’m using the words “Spouses” and “Adultery” here, but I really mean cheating on someone who you have made a commitment with. I use the word “Spouse” broadly, to include any partner - male, female or transgendered - that you have made a commitment to. A commitment can be marriage, living together, monogamy, polygamy, or any other emotional and sexual promise. There is the cheating of traditional marriages which are generally defined as monogamous, but you can also cheat on someone in an open relationship by doing something that you didn’t agree to. I’m also talking about commitment in the broadest sense of the word, not in the traditional way that only genital intercourse counts as “cheating.” As I see it, if you and your partner agree that oral sex with another person is acceptable but flogging is not – then engaging in flogging anyway is cheating. It’s not the specific act that makes it cheating, but rather whether both parties have agreed to it. Another way to put that is: if you have to keep it a secret from your spouse and/or they would be hurt by knowing about it, then it’s probably cheating. It’s not where the body parts go, it’s where the heart is.

Is BDSM Adultery Different?
Adultery is certainly no new thing, but it does seem to have particular repercussions in the BDSM world that can make it far more complex than in a vanilla relationship. Rebecca Brook, Moderator of Leatherchurch says, “’It's fine if I cheat on my spouse because s/he isn't kinky’ is just another version of ‘S/he doesn't understand me.’ Right. So either do the work of helping the person understand you, or, if you've determined that understanding simply isn't possible, find a way to end the relationship. But lying about it isn't healthy for anybody.” Part of this additional complexity is because many players consider BDSM to be a hard-wired orientation, not unlike being lesbian or gay. When you look at it in this way, it’s not really something you can turn off. Choosing not to act is not only extremely difficult, but can cause a great deal of emotional pain. Many people feel that once they have experienced the magic of BDSM, they can no longer be satisfied with vanilla activities. These things make the BDSM cheating different than simple unhappiness; it speaks to our deepest understandings of who we are on a soul level.

People who are dominant or submissive get into relationships with vanilla partners for a variety of reasons. Often this occurs when someone gets married or makes a commitment before they become aware of or active in the lifestyle. Once you have been married for a while and particularly when you have children, most people do not want to risk their marriage. On the other hand, many find it impossible not to explore something as powerful as BDSM once they’ve discovered it. One submissive, Collared Passion, says that, “We have those desires to experience what society deems hidden secrets, or sin within the religious avenues. We carry that seed of sins thoughts with us and become filled with guilt when our inner place stirs with wanting that forbidden fruit. Then we enter a place where that fruit can be dined upon without the guilt. It’s like entering into two spaces: the vanilla world, and the lifestyle world. How do we bridge the gap, and is it even possible?”

In addition, when you look at this issue from the lens of the BDSM community, cheating on a partner (vanilla or not) violates the “consensual” part of Safe, Sane, and Consensual because your partner cannot consent to an activity if they are not aware of it. The other key issue is that BDSM relationships are based on trust. If a person is willing to cheat on their partner, then they are untrustworthy on the most elemental level.

Full Disclosure Option
This being said, there are several possible approaches to keeping a relationship together when one partner is not interested in BDSM. Rebecca adds that, “I'm very sympathetic to kink-discordant relationships, but I know people who've kept faith in that situation, and who've also done the hard work of talking and negotiating different desires.” Along these lines, the first avenue is what I call “full disclosure.” That means that you explain to your partner about your orientation and work with them to find a solution. Part of this process might be trying to convert them to the lifestyle, something which is covered well in John Warren’s book The Loving Dominant. My personal experience with this has not been very successful, but that is at least in part due to the kind of men I used to choose who did not have one bone of dominance in their bodies. A partner who has some dominant or submissive characteristics may be willing to explore them in a sexual way.

In addition to possibly seducing your partner into the scene, another popular option is to obtain permission to play with other partners under certain conditions. This often translates to playing only with approved persons, with limited activities such as no genital contact. Each couple has to come to their own agreement as to what is comfortable for them. For example you might agree that you can play with others as long as you are only playing, not engaging in a relationship. Another submissive, Delaware 's lyt, asks, “Can the spouse see non sexual service as an option, or is that a betrayal?” Certainly many people would be less threatened if you were cleaning a Dominant’s home rather than performing some kind of sexual act. My friend Stacey adds that, “There are many people for whom D/s isn't primarily about play. For example, my Master and I often just have lunch or go shopping; heck, we even spend hours chatting online in a vanilla manner. These may sound like vanilla activities, but they have a strong D/s component because of the underlying control. He might demand that my posture be straight during the meal or that he order my meal for me. He leads the conversation - it's subtle, but powerful - and we both recognize it. These things are not 'play' as we generally refer to it - but they are strong D/s moments.” Stacey’s relationship is a good example of a situation where sex is secondary to the dominant/submissive interaction, and can offer a realistic option to a vanilla spouse who does not wish their BDSM partner to have sexual relations with anyone else.

Another version of this is to negotiate permission to explore the lifestyle even when the vanilla partner does not want you to, but feels that this is the lesser of two evils – the greater evil being that you might leave the relationship. As long as this agreement is negotiated openly, it can work.

Partial Disclosure
Another option is what we might call “partial-disclosure.” One Dominant I know has a vanilla wife who has no interest in exploring the scene. They discussed his needs and agreed that he had permission to play with other people. The challenging part was that she also required a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy because she did not ever want to hear the specifics. This worked well for them since she was spared the gory details, and he was free to explore freely. They went along this way for several years until something came up that he needed to clear with her. By bringing up the issue with her, he invalidated their agreement not to discuss BDSM and he was thereafter no longer allowed to play elsewhere. While this kind of situation can create unnecessary complications, it may be the only option available.

No Disclosure
The last situation is “no disclosure” where a person feels that telling their partner would put either themselves or someone else at risk such as losing your job or custody of your children because of your orientation. Similarly, if a partner has clearly indicated that they find alternative lifestyles abhorrent and will not discuss issues around sexuality, you are faced with an extra difficult and delicate situation. It would be nice if we were all free to express our sexuality any way we wish, but this is sometimes simply not possible. If you are in a situation like this, you will have to weigh the risks of coming out to your partner versus the pain you may have to suffer either by cheating or by having to repress your sexuality. This does not translate into a license to cheat because you are lazy or chickenhearted.

This may seem like an impossible situation, but there are some alternatives available. The first is to explore BDSM without cheating through autoerotica (see references below for my series on this). While you still may not want to be discovered engaging in this, at least it is not generally included in the definition of “cheating.” You may also want to consider joining the BDSM community, either in real time or online, which is a good way to get educated and receive support from others of like mind. You will want to only attend munches, workshops and other events of a nature that do not lead to the temptation of play. If you have very clear boundaries and much of your enjoyment of BDSM is oriented toward being a voyeur, you might consider attending play events order to satisfy your needs. Stacey adds a warning to this suggestion however, saying, “There have been many people who thought they would just 'sit around and chat with like minded people but these same people have gotten caught up, seduced, marriages broken. Even the smart ones. In some ways, joining an online community that includes chat rooms is even more dangerous than an actual group. People are charming, funny, witty, smart...and never wear sweat pants or have to buy snow tires.” Attending events can also be a sticky situation depending on how your partner would react if they found out you were doing this.

Making friends in the community will help you cope with your home situation and give you a sense of belonging that can tide you over until your situation at home changes, particularly if your children are near the age of leaving home. If you are unable or unwilling to get involved in the local scene, Delaware's lyt suggests some ways of exploring BDSM in the vanilla world: “What about vanilla pursuits that incorporate some of the aspects; perhaps a martial art or extreme sport that allows at differing levels pushing of personal limits, pain, and submission to a teacher or ideal? How about historical or reenactment societies like Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) if it is a service orientation or protocols and behaviour linked to societal role that appeals? Some of the most satisfying moments i had before i discovered a BDSM world online were in roles in stage plays were i was to some extent subservient. No, it isn’t the same at all as a relationship, but it may allow enough of the sense of the role to be fulfilling in the short term.”

The Last Resort
The final, and obvious option is to leave your partner. Barb, a submissive, says that, “If BDSM is a big part of who you are and your spouse is ‘not interested’ then you are a long way down the road to ending the relationship.” It’s a good idea to try to make the relationship work first, but if you find that you simply cannot do that, then this is a very valid path. Dribbles, another submissive, adds that, “I am now divorced and I firmly believe that for me being married to someone vanilla really didn’t work for me. My submissiveness carried over to my everyday life in little ways. My need to serve, sometime, somewhere.. and him being a vanilla caveman worked for awhile, but in the long run, my need to serve, care for, and give to someone who fed my needs won out. For me, being divorced and doing without is so much easier then doing without and being married. This way, divorced, I don’t have to deny who and what I am inside.”

If you are coming from the other side of things and wondering if someone is committed to another partner, whether vanilla or not, there are several avenues to determine if a person is having a real open relationship or is cheating. If they are being honest, they should be willing to provide both home and work contact information and allow calls at home. Ask specific questions about how their open relationship works, what the boundaries are. Also ask for references in the scene and listen for tips that they are lying about their home situation. You will also want to speak to their partner to make sure you are all on the same page. Although doing this definitely takes some cojones, it’s a lot easier than finding out later that your lover is a philanderer.

Opening up to your partner is a challenging thing to do, but it can lead to a very satisfying alternate relationship that will fulfill both your needs. There are also a number of options, while perhaps not perfect, at least can allow a BDSM player to keep their marriage intact as well as explore the lifestyle.

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*Thank you to all the people who offered me their thoughts on this difficult subject. All quotes are included here with permission.

Read my articles on Autoerotica

Read my article Adultery, Betrayal, and How I Rationalized My Way Out Of Things 


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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene ( http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html ). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications