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By Sensuous
Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
Back around 1995 the only real source of information on kinky stuff was
alt.bondage.com, an internet listserv which provided me with reams of
dot-matrix printed pages on Just What Exactly BDSM was. Today of course
you can find reams of books in any Barnes and Nobel bookstore, but
there’s still one thing that predominates, if you will. Almost all of
the books are written by Dominants and give a proscriptive way of doing
the dom thing, whether it be how to flog someone, how to drip wax, or
just plain how to be a good Dominant. I did say almost, so yes of course
there are some written by Submissives for Submissives.
So when Lupa sent me a copy of her book Kink Magic I wasn’t quite sure
what to expect, but I imagined it would be so much more, if only because
it was co-written with her partner Taylor Ellwood, they are both
switches, and that she looks at our kinky flavors from a sex magic
perspective. I was happily surprised to find myself comfortably reading
through it because in all honesty, I know just about nothing about
neo-paganism, sex magic, or earth centered spiritualities. However, you
probably should know that this is not a basic book for either kink folk
or neo-paganism, something which I base on the fact that there were so
very many words from the spirituality side that were completely
unfamiliar to me. Lupa reviews a great many books on her website, so you
can find excellent recommendations on basic intro texts to those topics
there.
One of the important differences in their approach is stated in the very
first page of their introduction: "We’re writing as magicians who are
integrating kink into magic, rather than kinky people who are
integrating magic into our play. In other words, they come from the
spiritual orientation first and are adding the BDSM aspect into that,
and presumably from their other books – other things as well. In
contrast, I, and many of my readers come from an orientation of being in
the BDSM community first, and bringing in a spirituality sensibility in
as we’ve become more engaged and comfortable in that path. So you won’t
be getting a lot of instruction on how to fling that flogger, whap that
wax or any of that silliness, and that’s just fine with me.
More importantly, their loving partnership offers us a personal story
that balances one another, separately and together, often from both
sides of the same experience. Being able to hear of their experiences as
they unfold from different perspectives made a telling difference in
helping me see what was truly going on inside their heads. After all ,
it’s easy to see what’s happening when someone is being tied up. But
what’s happening in someone’s mind and heart cannot be seen, and isn’t
that what we truly want to know?
What truly moved me was their willingness to share their deepest
vulnerabilities and fears, the kind that make me feel like they are
people just like me, not some distant writer off somewhere in fabulous
WriterLand. Consider this tender story from Lupa:
I was caught unprepared when, at the climax of a particularly
intense scene, he suddenly acted as if he was leaving. He put on
his clothes, grabbed his car keys, and walked out the door. I
think he expected me to follow him. However, I literally could
not move. There wasn’t anything wrong with my body (beyond the
usual bruises and other marks that are a natural byproduct of
hard topping). It was all psychological. There I was, curled up
in the center of the bed, released of all physical bondage – and
I was paralyzed by the fear of abandonment.
No matter how well we think we may know ourselves, the deeper we
dig into our psyches, the more surprises we may find. I never
would have guessed that I had abandonment issues; unlike many
other flaws I’ve worked through, there had never been any
noticeable sight of this particular fear. But there was no doubt
about – Taylor and I had inadvertently uncovered something new.
Being the responsible person he is, intensely connected to me on
numerous levels, he immediately sensed something was wrong when
I failed to follow him out the door. He came back, banished the
entity he’d invoked, and focused on making sure I was all right.
Perhaps I was particularly moved by this story because an experience
happened to me with a Dominant who was not at all loving afterward, and
I’ve always wondered if that was a kind of emotional abuse. In reading
Lupa’s story, I can see an alternate approach – not just in theory but
in fact.
It is these kinds of stories that touched my heart and I think will
touch yours as well. If you are of the mind of being oriented toward
Earth Centered spirituality, I know you find this book even more useful
both from a learning perspective as well as from a personal one.
As a writer, I did also want to add that I appreciated that Lupa and
Taylor did not use the peculiar internet styles of grammar such as
capitalizing Dominant’s names and not Submissives, but I did find it
extremely difficult to read through the many "s/he" throughout the book,
not to mention the "hir," and "hirs," which are combinations of her and
his, designed to de-genderize the language. Unfortunately, because these
words are not normally used in prose, they cause a great deal of mental
struggle as one reads, which is awfully counterproductive. In addition I noticed
that they used normal pronouns such as him and her when referring to
each other, something which increased my confusion even more.
Overall however, this is a warm and enlightening book that I’d recommend
both to my kinky and more spiritually oriented friends – and that
includes you dear reader!
Sensuous Sadie is the author of Spiritual
Transformation through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow
Travelers. Read an excerpt and more at Sadie's Kinky Goodies
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/sadieskinkygoodies.htm She is the
founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM
group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for
reprinting can be addressed to her at
SensuousSadie@aol.com or
visit her website at
http://www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is
abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance,
so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2008 Sadie Sez Publications
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