Review of Secretary, directed by Steven Shainberg
By Danielle
Posted with the author's permission, all rights reserved


This little indie film called Secretary has invaded my thoughts. I believe that this movie is completely subjective. Some people will think this is a cute little artsy piece. Some will think its kinky fun. While there are some things that go on in the movie that cross my own personal lines, not all of them do. Actually, most of them don’t. Some will be completely offended by every aspect of the movie. A lot of people will rent it or refuse to rent it simply because of the cover or the poster. I’ve read a lot of reviews about Secretary, and almost every single one called this a film about S&M. I didn’t view it that way. But as I said, it’s subjective.

To me, the film was about pain. Deep, dark, inexplicable pain. It’s about a need to be known, to be seen, to be loved, unconditionally. And that doesn’t just apply to the characters in the movie. It applies to everyone. Everyone wants to be known, to be seen, to be loved. I don’t think it’s necessary to have a complete understanding of someone’s pain to empathize with them and to understand them. Yes, there is some comfort in knowing that someone knows exactly what you’re going through, down to the most precise details. But, there is also comfort in knowing that someone can look at you, see you hurting and understand, and love you and even take some of that pain upon themselves. In my idea of a truly beautiful relationship, we would do that for each other. Most of us come from some kind of wounded past, some angle of pain. Whether it’s biologically or chemically programmed into us, whether we’ve been victims of abuse, of perfectionism, of religion or some traumatic event, victims of physical pain. Sometimes it’s even self-induced. A lot of times, we can’t even define it, it’s just there. The choice is to accept it as part of your life, something that is part of you but does not define you, or to constantly try to fight it and conquer it. I cant say which is best, it varies for each person. For me… just going with it works. The more I fight it, the more power it gains over me. But that doesn’t work for everyone.

But, as usual, I digress. Back to the movie. Our main characters are Lee and Mr. Grey. Both Lee and Mr. Grey battle some serious demons. Lee’s happen to be cutting and burning herself; Mr. Grey throws himself into physical activity to drown out his thoughts. While both of their responses are outward, we have some insight into what causes Lee’s self-mutilation and not much to tell us what motivates Mr. Grey. We can easily see what escalates both of them.

Lee is actually the less complicated character in my opinion. It’s kind of all right out there for you to see. She’s saddened by her family life, and most likely has some sort of chemical imbalance. She takes refuge in pain. Secret pain, shameful pain. Despite this, Lee is motivated and quick and curious. She is also interested in living. The reference is made that she is very closed off, but really, she’s very open. She’s open to growing and to relationships and to understanding her nature and her desires. She is open to love. When Lee submits to Mr. Grey, it’s not out of kinky sexual desire (not that there’s anything wrong with that) it’s because he looks into her. He sees her, he sees thru her to the pain, he understands it. And when he says, "you will never do that again", he comes from the perspective of someone who understands WHY. Not an academic who’s studied her, not a parent who is afraid for her, but someone with a kinship to her. Ultimately, someone who will treat her submission as a gift and a responsibility, although it takes a while to get there. Lee is an open book and unashamed of the fact. I love that about her.

As I said, it’s obvious from the beginning that Mr. Grey has his issues. And to me, they are secondary at best. We could guess, rejection, fear of failure, and fear of his own desires. The fact is that they are there. Evidenced by his compulsive workouts, his fastidiousness, and his anal retentive attention to details. But there is also something gentle, as seen in his compassion towards trapped mice and his tenderness to his exotic plant. At first, I was actually repulsed by Mr. Grey. That’s hard to imagine, since I’m a big James Spader fan. But he seemed so… weak. It was when he told Lee why she cut herself that I began to see him differently. And when he said those words, "you will never do that again", I said "ok" right along with her. To me it seemed that when he forbade her from cutting herself, he also gave her permission to feel. To really feel inside what she’d been fighting for so long. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves feel the pain. Grieve the losses, nurse the broken heart and soul, and cry the tears. Lee never let herself feel inside. Mr. Grey gave her permission, something he couldn’t do for himself. And eventually, he gave her an outlet for her pain. I began to see Mr. Grey as someone who worked very hard to drown out the noise in his head and in his heart. Someone terrified of looking at what he wanted, and doing it. Someone absolute petrified to trust. Even himself.

I saw Lee as someone who put her flaws and her heart and her ego right out there on the table. I saw Mr. Grey wrapped in his fear, using it as an excuse, thinking it was protecting him, when really it was chaining his soul. And don’t we all do that to an extent? Pull that "protective" blanket of fear, rejection, loneliness, addiction, pain, abuse, whatever…around ourselves. Using it as an excuse not to get close to others, to hurt them before they hurt us, to justify our behavior.

Mr. Grey had to do some serious soul searching. Lee offered him every thing he wanted, and for a long time, he was too afraid to reach out and accept it. When he finally did, the thing I loved was his demeanor. As he walked through the crowds. Unashamed. When he finally put his fear aside, he went forward into the journey, they went forward together.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that a relationship like theirs is completely one-person dominant and one submissive. To an extent, any sort of power exchange has aspects of both. While Lee submits physically and emotionally to Mr. Grey, he in turn submits to her. Because in order to have the relationship he has with her, he has to let go of his fear, venture out into the light and actually accept her love. This puts her in quite a powerful position as well. While submission is a gift, dominance is a privilege. And both require a sacrifice, both carry a price. It’s up to you whether the tag is too high.

I would also remind you that we all have to submit in some form or fashion. It doesn’t just pertain to the type of relationship portrayed in the movie. We submit to authority when we obey the law, when we do our jobs, when we pay our bills. We submit to God when we obey the Bible. We chose daily what we would submit too. Heck, you can’t even pay a bill or order a book online without hitting a submit button. Lee and Mr. Grey just happened to find another form, a playful and serious form, which fit their needs.

God bless ‘em. ;)

~~~

Copyright 2005

This review is reprinted here with the explicit permission of the author. If you would like to share it with others, please link directly to this page or contact the author for permission. It is a violation of copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without that permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more than 20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.