Sadie's New Book is Out!

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Exploring BDSM without a Partner

Part I: Self-Inflicted BDSM

Part II: Exploring Subspace through Alternative Mind Places

Part III: Submitting and Surrender to Self

Part IV: Self Reflection and Personal Growth During the In-Between Period

By Sensuous Sadie
SensuousSadie@aol.com 
www.sensuoussadie.com 

This article looks at various ways both Dominants and submissives can cope with periods of being single. While the focus is on submissives, many of the suggestions also work equally well for Dominants.

Although it may seem that the act of dominating or submitting itself requires a partner, this is only true in the one-on-one D/s relationship. In fact, we both dominate and submit every day, with our jobs and family, not to mention ourselves. Think of the times when you had to call on your stronger self, your disciplined self to get some project done; maybe one you didn't particularly want to do. Making yourself finish the project was a sort of self-domination. Gary also commented on this, saying, "Just as masturbation doesn't mean you're not heterosexual, topping yourself doesn't mean that you're not Dominant. Solo time is a good time to develop this relationship." Recognizing you're doing this means you can also practice it consciously, perhaps by keeping your promises both to yourselves and others. For example, how about the New Year's resolution you made to get back in shape?

My friend Paige said it this way: "You can practice doing for others selflessly, whether it be your family or friends. Anticipating someone's needs is a good way to get in practice for having a Master, however, make sure you don't drain the giving part of you dry, or you will get resentful, since you aren't getting to hear the "good girl" or feel the caress of your face that says thank you, and refills the well of serving." I really like her common-sense approach, although if you are a person who doesn't say "no" nearly often enough, practicing your submissive nature this way is probably not a good idea.

If you feel your life is generally well balanced, practice this kind of surrender by training yourself to go with the flow of your life, rather than fighting it. On the practical level this might mean allowing events to happen without getting frustrated or angry at the constant change of life. You can also submit to your "topping" self when you engage in certain kinds of self-discipline such as intense physical training, such as climbing a mountain. Dorothy Haden described this kind of submission in her column Masochism is a Spiritual Path, saying "Zen students often sit crossed-legged on a cushion for 14 hours a day, seven days a week, submitting themselves to the physical agony of staying completely still in the face of unrelenting pain for long periods of time."

On the spiritual level, it may translate into praying for the strength and awareness to accept our life exactly where it is this moment. A vow of silence can be considered a submission to something greater than ourselves, a prayer or humble surrender to our spiritual source, or what might be called our "ultimate Dominant."

How to practice your Dominant spirit? This is a tougher one. My friend Cameron says that when he hosts parties, he describes his service to his guests as a sort of dominance. He is creating an atmosphere of elegance, a place where his guests can have a certain experience. The challenge here is to find ways to dominate your world without becoming an assertive jerk.

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Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications