|
|
|
stern@bdsmu.com
Read the SCENEprofiles Interview with yielding
Read yielding's columns Spirituality
& Slavery Part I and Part
II
Read yielding's humor column
You,
too, can Write BDSM Poetry!
SENSUOUS SADIE: You live in a
24/7 committed relationship with yielding, although you are not always
geographically together. How do you keep your relationship alive and
committed from a distance of 200 miles? How long have you been together?
MASTER STERN: "There are three things that you must never allow to
fade in any good and healthy relationship: communication, communication,
and unabashed honesty. Well that is really only two but you get my
drift. In nearly four years yielding and I have only missed our daily
phone call three or four times. We almost always have at least a part of
our conversation about our relationship.
"There is an element of commitment that is the underlying fabric of
our relationship. Constant re-evaluation of the tenants of the
relationship is made possible by a deeply held commitment. We need not
live in fear of saying the wrong thing or touching on a sore topic. I
demand that bothersome issues are brought forth and discussed. Neither
of us is always perfectly pleased with the result of such discussions
but we always find a way to reconcile the issues. I have the authority
to dictate resolutions to troubling issues in our relationship. I rarely
invoke that power. I am a Master to one slave. I'm not her dictator.
"Authoritarian regimes don't work any better in relationships than
they do in companies or countries. No matter how benevolent the subjects
of such a regime, they will eventually find reason and motivation to
rebel."
Sadie: How did you discover BDSM?
Was it always in you, or something that developed?
Stern: "I first became
involved in the BDSM scene several years ago after going through a
divorce after 18 years of 'vanilla' marriage. I had been exploring the
world of D/s, BDSM for a year or so vicariously on the Internet. At this
time I had known yielding socially for about three years, and later that
year I had several D/s encounters and was in the process of discovering
myself.
"I attended a lot of munches, visited some clubs, and had a number
of play dates. Eventually I fell hopelessly in love with the woman that
would eventually become my slave and I began my pursuit. The same sets
of courtship rituals that guide vanilla relationship building are
present in the BDSM world. Just because a person is submissive does not
mean she will simply submit to anyone who thinks himself a dominant
person. Experience has shown that anyone terribly willing to submit is
probably too needy for a healthy long-term relationship. I digress.
"The short answer is yes; I have always been interested in all
things kinky and always from a dominant perspective.
"During innumerable hours of retrospection I recall some thoughts
that have been with me since I attained sexual awareness. The thought -
a fantasy - which is still clear in my mind, is one of me standing over
a girl and thinking, 'I'll make her do what I want her to do.' It was
such a turn-on to imagine myself having this sort of power. I'm sure
both the thought and the behavior were repressed because it felt somehow
criminal. The entire idea of negotiating sex was unthinkable for me in
those days. I suppose that is exactly what a shame-based, emotionally
abusive childhood would produce."
Sadie: Please tell me about your
BDSM practice. Do you have any special interests?
Stern: "I'm interested
in almost everything to do with bondage, discipline, sadomasochism, and
total power exchange. But special? I suppose the power exchange is my
biggest interest. At least the exchange of power is what brings me the
most satisfaction.
"Most recently I have begun to study hypnosis. In our first
attempt, which was dramatically successful, I conducted a 45-minute
session of guided relaxation and imagery. I successfully guided my slave
to a mind space where she was extremely stimulated and experienced
multiple orgasms without my touching her (or allowing her to touch
herself.)
Sadie: How has your practice
changed over the duration of your relationship?
Stern: "What was once a
desire for kinky sex, a desire to dominate a woman and direct her sexual
actions, has grown into a full-blown lifestyle. Change over time is
subtle, it happens every day, like wrinkles in your skin; the changes
are noticeable in retrospect but seldom in a day or a week."
Sadie: How would you describe
your philosophical approach to BDSM?
Stern: "This is a tough
one; I almost decided not to answer because it was simply too much
effort to explain a philosophy while in an interview. Philosophers have
been writing about the philosophy of one thing or another for centuries,
and most of what they have to say is there to justify a trite answer to
a query.
"I prefer to be trite and let the reader draw his own conclusions.
I see my approach as existential. There is no inherent meaning to life.
We, being the living ones, give life meaning. By extension there is no
inherent meaning to BDSM, TPE, or plain old fun for that matter. My
philosophy is, therefore, defined by me, for me, and has no bearing on
others. I'm hedonistic and altruistic. Here we go…. I like being the
'white knight' so I am altruistic in order to please myself, which makes
me hedonistic and so on…
Sadie: What are the parameters
that you think need be present for dom or subspace to move into a more
spiritual realm? Or is it all the same thing?
Stern: "Dom space is
easy for me most of the time. I need only be reasonably healthy, rested,
and in the proximity of my slave/submissive. For me, what comes after is
a sense of power and powerlessness; the former, over my subject, and the
latter under a 'spell' of sorts. Not in a supernatural sense, but a
frame of mind, a place of mind, where I feel good.
"As I understand it (this is purely from my own observations, I
could be way off here), sub-space appears to be a physiological reaction
to the combination of an emotional state and a physical one. It is
drug-like in nature and may be brought about even if the physical state
is imaginary (fantasy, not delusion).
"D/s space is the same thing as spirituality; the difference is
only a matter of degree. Sometimes I am reminded of times decades ago
where my use of hallucinogenic drugs brought me to a space that was
quite spiritual. Little pieces of that come back to me in my greatest
Dominant mode and I enjoy the benefits again and again."
Sadie: You classify your writing
in three areas: domination of the mind (where you become the mentor and
counselor), domination of the body (where you become the teacher &
disciplinarian), and domination of the spirit (where you become the
father, caregiver and guide). How did you come to organize your thoughts
in this way?
Stern: "You give me too
much credit for organization of my own thoughts. My thoughts come to me;
I do not go to them. All analysis is ex post facto. My thoughts often
just pour out; yielding organizes them for me for publication. It is
only for the web page that they are organized at all. My mental
organization is based on modeling, not rote fact compilation. Mental
modeling is a holographic method, versus rote mentality, which is a
linear, with a tree like organization. Neither is better, just
different, and it is not a choice we make to think one way or another,
it is nature rather than nurture.
"As to the writing, yielding built the outline out of my
practices."
Sadie: You write that restriction
is one way to teach a slave control over her mind, body, and spirit and
that "you must not allow yourself to become a "captor"
rather than a master." How do you find that fine line in your
training? How do you know when you've gone too far?
Stern: "Total or
absolute domination all the time is fine if you want C3PO as your slave.
I like my slave to think and use her mind in my service. I do not want
her as a captive; I want her to obey. Captivity is a kink, a twist that
we enjoy, but it is not a lifestyle.
"That fine line isn't all that fine. If you pay attention to your
slave it will be as plain as the double yellow line on the highway. If
you are keeping up your awareness you will not go too far in the control
of your subject. Like the yellow line on the road, everyone crosses it,
sometimes with two tires, but only the unaware cross it with all four
and risk disaster."
Sadie: You believe that one way
to restrict a slave is through reading her mail, and that if she prefers
to keep this private, that she may not truly want to be a slave. How do
you respond to slaves who feel that certain areas such as financial
matters or choice of career are so foundational to who a person is that
they should not, by definition, be given away?
Stern: "Ouch. I didn't
realize it sounded like that. I think the page says, 'Never read her
mail without her knowing about it.' It is a federal offense to violate
the sanctity of the US mail. The idea here is based on prior
consentuality. It is our practice, although I rarely do more than scan
the mail. If there is a personal letter I will want to know whom it is
from, and the point of the communication. This is a restriction on my
slave's privacy. My slave will never be allowed to maintain any
relationship of which I am unaware. I reserve the power to limit any
relationship (kids and moms excluded) but have never had a case where I
might exercise that authority. By no means do I read her mail prior to
her opening it.
"Those people who feel certain rights to privacy, career or
finances are foundational to their being should not enter a relationship
where they will be restricted. These are all very basic things that
should be discussed well in advance of choosing a 24/7 lifestyle,
signing a contract, etc. This is one of the reasons its so important to
take things slowly. Dominant or submissive, a person's self-preservation
is indeed, fundamental, and both parties must be certain of the
consequences of their actions."
Sadie: Part of your training is
to teach your slave to focus on you rather than on her own arousal. This
seems to require a separation type of mindset that seems like it would
be difficult to achieve. How do you help your slave separate these
things? Do you find that there is another space besides the erotic sort
of subspace that she goes to that allows her to, say, clean the toilet
and still remain self-aware of her slavery?
Stern: "Yes, 'slave
space' (a coined term for lack of a better one). Slave space is that
mental and emotional state where she can be dutiful without being
aroused. She learned very early on that just because she eroticizes
something doesn't mean she will find satisfaction in it. In time she
avoids getting aroused over just anything because there is no sexual
payoff. It was a crash-course in reality at first. When she's in
subspace, all the attention is hers. When she's cleaning the toilet,
nobody's patting her head and saying 'Good girl.' Nor can she expect to
be rewarded for the simple fulfillment of her duties, whatever they are.
"Slave space, though, is her pay-off. She finds deep emotional and
even sexual satisfaction in the very act of service, which is
remarkable, really. She describes it as 'blissful,' and prefers it to
subspace.
"Her desire is as crucial to the process as my guidance. When
things are especially difficult, its often enough to remind her of the
path she has chosen; her 'role' in the relationship, to place her in
slave space. Of course, there are times that her role must be enforced
through discipline. While I want her to find slave space and happiness
in her duties, the duties must be performed whether or not she has
'space.' This is often a difficult concept for her, as it probably would
be for anyone."
Sadie: How do you teach a slave
not to eroticize everything in your relationship? Some mistresses write
that they find that their slaves are far more willing to follow orders
while in an aroused state. Is this true for women as well?
Stern: "It is true a
slave will be very willing in all things if aroused, but it is
relatively impractical, probably impossible to be 'always' aroused. Life
precludes permanent arousal - otherwise, no one would get to work in the
morning.
"When yielding is aroused, she is far more obedient. However,
neither of us wants her obedience to be predicated on sexual excitement.
For us, that would reduce the relationship to role-playing."
Sadie: Poly relationships are
common in the BDSM community, but no easier than they are in the vanilla
world. How do you manage the natural challenges that come up with the
complexities of multiple partners? Considering what a sensitive area
this can be to a slave, what can dominants do to explore poly
relationships without it seeming like simply wanting to have their cake
and eat it too?
Stern: "Masters do have
the privilege of having their cake and eating it too, but not without
paying a price. We have had a number of relationships with other
submissives. In every case there is always some trepidation exhibited on
the part of my slave, the reasons and degree vary depending on the
situation. I always put a great deal of effort into caring for my
slave's emotional wellbeing. I think it is quite natural, and perhaps
flattering, when my slave envious of my attraction and/or affection to
another submissive woman. I spend a lot of time reassuring her that her
position is not threatened, that I love her, that she will remain my
slave despite my decisions about play and sexuality. We have had some of
our best discussions over these issues, and will likely continue to do
so. After a first encounter with a second sub it gets a lot easier for
her, but the same trepidations will be evident with each new submissive
I entertain.
"To date, I have not had any relations with a second submissive
outside of the presence of my slave. It is clear that as the master I
have the right to do so. I will keep her fully informed of my
activities, as I must, but not because she dictates or demands it. I
must keep her informed because I have a responsibility to my slave to
keep her healthy, mentally and physically. I am the caregiver,
protector, and provider."
Sadie: What kinds of challenges
have you experienced in having slaves worship you? Has it ever gotten
out of hand?
Stern: "I don't let
things get very far out of hand but there have been challenges. Oddly
enough the challenges have little to do with any slave or submissive
woman, they have to do with ego, my ego. When I first found myself with
a slave at my feet, telling me how perfect I am, how fantastically
wonderful, how sexually skilled, and how smart, I needed a giant
shoehorn to ease my head through doorway. I came back to earth from this
godly state quickly, but the real challenge was to reconcile this
wonderful, worshipful behavior of my slave with her 'real' daily
behavior.
"During a scene and for sometime afterward or when encountering
slave space, a slave may be deeply worshipful and grateful. She may say
a lot of things that are great to hear, but you can't let them settle in
as a 'new state of being.' I quickly came to terms with the fact that
even the best slave will not and cannot maintain that deep feverous zeal
continuously.
Sadie: How do you prepare your
slave for the possibility that you will not be there for her
financially, emotionally, and in other ways? What approaches do you use
to make sure that she has not become unhealthily dependant on you?
Stern: "Life insurance
will cover the financial aspect here. Emotional needs are impossible to
serve after I am dead. I have not left my slave to anyone in my will.
She will be a free agent upon my death.
"My slave is not likely to become unhealthily dependent on me. If
her emotional health were to deteriorate I will have to recognize it and
deal with it. We have both suffered some catastrophic tragedies in our
lives years before we met, and we have both survived.
"I would not allow yielding to become so dependent that were I to
die, she would wander around unsure of how to manage her life. We were
both grown and had raised children before this relationship. If we were
younger and yielding was unfamiliar with the basic necessities of life,
it would be my responsibility to teach her - although she may not be
allowed to put some things into practice. It is a Master's duty to see
that his slave is as prepared as she can be, while still maintaining the
relationship's tenets."
Sadie: You write about a
situation where you observed another dominant fail to emotionally care
for his submissive in a public situation. What do you feel are a
master's responsibilities when in a public situation?
Stern: "One word says
it all: Manners. Just because a person is your slave or submissive
doesn't mean that you can ignore social politeness. Unless your slave is
being treated in a specific manner for a specific reason, she should not
be subjected to the sort of rudeness that is common in a strip bar. When
a dancer is soliciting a lap dance you can simply say 'beat it' and she
will leave. In the social context of a BDSM club or gathering, rudeness
is inappropriate unless it is directed at a submissive by her dominant
for a valid reason.
"The dominant should always be aware of where his submissive is,
who is speaking to her, how they are speaking to her, and how she is
reacting to the goings on. In BDSM clubs, the feeling of vulnerability
is high, and many submissives are exhibiting a lot of courage."
Sadie: If your slave were to
embarrass you publicly, what kinds of public punishments could you
create for her that would not put either of you at risk?
Stern: "This happened
once. We were among strangers, and I ostracized her firmly in front of a
sales clerk. It never happened again.
"If it were to happen I would cook something up that fit a vanilla
situation. Perhaps if she were to embarrass me in a store I might have
her stand in the pet section and repeatedly try on dog collars, or go
through the men's shoe section smelling the insides of all the work
boots on display. Vanilla folks would see it as strange behavior and
maybe wonder about her motives but no children would be harmed or
inadvertently exposed to a 'punishment,' while at the same time her
embarrassment at having to perform this task in public would be
sufficiently humiliating to meet my ends."
Sadie: You write "even
though you are master, she needs your care and attention in order to
reinforce her initial decision to serve. This should not be denied
her." What do you mean by this?
Stern: "My slave, in
many ways, is like my child. I love her as much as I do my child and she
needs to be cared for. To fail in this is akin to child neglect. My need
to care for her is equal to her need to be cared for. This is feel-good
warm-fuzzy stuff, I know, but it is the case with us. I do not mean to
imply that it is the 'way it should be.' Each Master sets the rules for
his own slave."
Sadie: Thank you very much!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright
2003 Sadie Sez Publications
|
|
|
