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I999shadow@aol.com
www.shadowseverywhere.com
Want to talk with people that share more in common with you than knowing
how a keyboard works? shadow's discussion group is called Married Poly
BDSM.
To join, send an e-mail to:
MarriedpolyBDSM-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Read Shadow's article on starting
a munch.
SENSUOUS SADIE: You've written a few articles on developing a BDSM
munch. What is your particular interest in this? What else do you write
about?
SHADOW: "i have been a writer since i was 9 years old, found my
muse early i guess. Writing in 'nilla land started seriously with poetry
in college, along with some highly regarded theses and several specialty
projects for professors. i then graduated to short stories, two
unpublished novels (both fiction), and a slew of odd items that never
made it off the drawing board (critical reviews, screenplays, and
instructional items). Two Poetry reviews in College (both out of print),
and lots of kink/erotica for friends and small collegiate groups. Over
the years i also got to do publicity writing for the county Historical
Society, ghost writing for political speeches, and private items that
eventually got the attention of a local newspaper. i ended up with my
own column for nine years with that weekly, writing on whatever i felt
was of interest, from local politics, humor, slice of life, obituaries
of the famous and infamous, historical items, business profiles, in
depth interviews of various movers and shakers, and think pieces.
"One of the ones i am most proud of was a column i did on ADD and
coming out from behind the fear and trauma of dealing with it (my son is
diagnosed ADD/ODD). Most parents living with kids labeled 'Special Ed'
feel they are personally responsible, and they also deal with the lack
of respect and open disdain of others in the schools. After writing it,
i got several letters from parents who had been dealing alone with the
same issues and suddenly felt able to be proud of their kids and fight
back advocating for them. One letter in particular, from a 25 year old
man who had been fighting his unknown disability his whole life really
touched me to the point of tears- he did not know *what* was wrong his
whole life until he read that column- it changed his life. The following
year, another parent of an autistic child contacted me because of that
same article. My honesty and ability to open up and talk about all those
issues had given her the strength to openly post advertisements to help
her child while seeking help through an unresponsive school system.
"That brought me to the attention of the neighborhood as a
'personality' and gave me access to interviewing several local leaders,
which in turn introduced me to others in our city that were elected
officials or community leaders. i got more involved with our local
politics, and invited on several boards and committee (most of which i
turned down- too much *time* involved!). i did create/ co-chair a couple
of neighborhood issues groups for local improvements/quality of life
issues, and have been considering an offer from our BPA, but all that is
secondary to family/Master/personal growth issues.
"i quit ALL my volunteer efforts within the scene last October 1st
for a planned reorganization of life after a long summer. It coincided
well with getting closer to my Owner, who lives 2.5 hours away- the
additional driving time for that kind of serious relationship meant that
other things had to go, and i had set up leaving right after Folsom 2003
(the yearly convention i was transport manager of for 3 years) for a
long trip to Disneyland and then letting lose of the extraneous- and
often irritating- scene drama's and failings.
"I am currently editing that 9 year's worth of articles for a book,
as well as working on line trying to set up a new web site to handle
more of my scene writing. Over these past 4 years i have probably
written 10 thousand posts of content on issues and items, both as a
seeker, questioning everything and anything, and as an experienced
member of the scene, offering my own truths and what i have found while
growing and learning. Now i want to go over that change and growth, see
where i made what changes in views, pinpoint what things differ from
'newbie' land and 'experienced old timer', and eventually publish a few
things.
"One of the changes Master and i both agreed was that contributing
time and effort to our kink communities was a good and worthy cause, but
that it had to be balanced with personal growth and keeping perspective.
"Also, in addition to working with Master (Strong Eagle of
Sacramento) on O/our two yahoo groups, i have started a parent support
and educational network within our school district for major change
within our Special Ed. department. The letters, fliers, reports,
research of other districts and how they do things differently than our
own, all of that takes time. (chuckle).. The only reason i am not up
PAST midnight every night is Master's curfew."
Sadie: What have you found are the most common mistakes of new BDSM
groups?
shadow: "i would not *ever* venture to openly criticize any group,
even as a general question. Volunteers and those trying to create or
give back to the kink organizations face a tremendous number of
obstacles, not all of which they will handle with perfection.
The amount of animosity that criticism generates in scene is phenomenal,
and so generalizing like that is not something i am comfortable with.
And it would probably not be fair either. Each group is so very unique.
i have noticed that those who seem to complain on lists the most do tend
to be those that are the least involved with volunteer work and seem to
have their own agendas, but even they are entitled to their opinions.
"The *best* things that new organizations seem to do, however, are
to strip themselves of the cult of personality- never letting any
*person* become the shining star, and instead, working smoothly as teams
helping each other, with new members treated as the fresh life's blood
they are as they are welcomed into the working structure and older
members move on to other things without demands on the group for
tribute. Whenever any one person becomes the focus, they also become a
target, and the criticism can be devastating. i applaud anyone with the
time and energy to support and volunteer within the scene. It is an
awesome responsibility to reach out past one's self and put your
decisions on the line and under the scrutiny of hundreds of strangers-
especially when you consider that *most* of us come into the scene NOT
out of a need for charity work or MORE service, but seeking partners and
contacts for our personal lives. i am always amazed and feel blessed
when people who come out give of their time and energies for the larger
whole, to 'make' something that wasn't there before. When they succeed,
we all profit and have more options, parties, classes, venues, web
sites, and input into changing our lives and living our fantasies.
"i do spend a lot of time talking with new folks about how to
evaluate organizations. While most of the larger ones nationwide are
fairly safe, there are more than a few dominant personalities out there
that have deliberately created their own little city groups for 'hunting
grounds'. Nothing overt, and most of these folks are not easy to
evaluate when a person is new to the scene, but they do exist out there.
"There is also the whole ideal with untrained people leading
others- so very many good, honest people think they have management
skills, people skills, and can run a group, when the sad fact is they
need to take a few *courses* on handling volunteers, running a business,
and delegating authority. Lots of wonderful worthy ideas have gone down
in crashing defeat over the 'blind leading the blind' syndrome."
Sadie: You are rather a fan of quotes by famous people. What are your
three favorite BDSM quotes?
shadow: "Oh wow.... lol... that was the problem to begin with. i
could never decide!
"When i first came on scene, on line, everyone had *one* quote or
sig at the end of their posts. i wanted something as well, and went
hunting. i think the very first one that i just HAD to keep was
Groucho's ''Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have
others. ' That STILL cracks me up! But, i am not a one dimensional
person, i have eclectic tastes, and things *change*. So, i started
collecting them, and, to my knowledge, i was the first one to change
them to suit the post and the tone. For the first two years on line i
used a different quote for almost every post. i spent a lot of time
collecting quotes that seemed to express me personally (''THAT shadow,
my likeness, that goes to and fro, seeking a livelihood, chattering,
chaffering;
How often I find myself standing and looking at it where it flits;
How often I question and doubt whether that is really me;
~ But in these, and among my lovers, and caroling my songs,
O I never doubt whether that is really me.
~ Walt Whitman, 'Leaves of Grass')
"…and that one probably still suits me the best. With over four
thousand of them now (categorized by either author or content type) i
can pretty well sum up a situation with just a quote should i feel like
it. The Dalai Lama is one amazingly astute man - funny, kind, succinct.
i have a lot of his speeches and thoughts on file. Ben Franklin and
Anais Nin were also prolific and right on. Dorothy Parker ALWAYS makes
me laugh out loud (damn i wish i was half as good as she was - without
the alcohol problems).
Some of my favorites are things scene folks wrote in posts over the
years. i have gotten permission from all of them to keep/use their
quotes. Many of the most profound, honest, funny, and worthwhile quotes
i have read and used are the thoughts and words of other scene members.
"i guess that writing- and the expression of the human thought
through words that live forever on paper (or it's equivalent) is kinda
sacred to me. i have never been completely happy with anything i have
produced- perfectionism is both a curse and an incentive- but the bon
mots of others are incentive and inspirational.
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
~ Ludwig Wittgenstein, philosopher (1889-1951)
Sadie: You said once that, "You wake up in the morning, and when
you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror the first words that pass
across your brain after "full bladder" are "cheesy white
thighs," and another day kinda starts." My sense is that you
have changed your body image to something more positive. Can you tell me
about how you did this?
shadow: "i think part of it was growing older and less vulnerable
to needing to conform to the highest ideals of perfection. When i was
20, wanting, *needing* to be like those women in the magazines, on the
television, in the movies, that was all encompassing i think that i got
over that. i also came to terms with my body chemistry. Even if i lost
every ounce of excess, i will *never* have the kind of body that is
considered 'sell-able' and therefore of interest to the media.
"We live in a plastic society that sees the human form as a
commodity. i (sadly) seriously doubt if Princess Diana would have been
'beloved' at 300 lbs, and i believe that no wig makers would have
created her hair style at that weight- or dress design copies, purse
makers, even parasol fashions. Women of real size are not considered by
the selling machine as worthy of being made icons.
"Once the inside accepts how you look and feel, that's a great
start, but there is still a HUGE fear of what others are *thinking* and
saying. Coming into the scene- and having a partner that truly loved all
kinds of women and had NO concerns about shapes or sizes, only about
commitment and willingness to serve- that helped tremendously too.
Knowing that i not only *felt* sexy in side and was happy, but that my
partner was HAPPY with me outside and wanted it just the way it was
became *very* liberating.
"The scene, for all it's faults and charms, lies or truths, is very
much a place where larger women can openly display their sex and
sexuality without fear of torment or comparison. There will *always* be
those that only feel comfortable with smaller women that fit the norms
of their childhood fantasies (and there is nothing wrong with that- we
are all each attracted to whatever we are attracted to, and it's hard
wired, not a choice per se), but there are so many more people
surrounding us here that are outside that narrow limited body type. So,
even a woman that is nervous or unsure about how her nudity or play will
be greeted usually feels MUCH less intimidated when attending one of the
events and sees that this is not a place of models and perfection, but a
place of real people, with real sex and real pain and real life.
"i realized that i had accepted both myself and accepted trusting
the thoughts of others around me when i scened one night, and not ONCE
did i worry about the angle my flab was hanging, nor the way the light
might show off my stretch marks- i spent five hours naked and sweating
and never once flashed on a negative concern about how other's were
seeing me.
"Later on, friends, folks i sort of know, started mentioning that
they saw a great deal of beauty in my scenes because there *was* no self
consciousness. i never realized before that time that MY attitude about
my body had hindered me more than anything else in the room, and getting
PAST that enhanced not only how i felt about me, but radiated out as to
how other's saw me. One FemDom described a scene/demo i did once and
said that from behind, i was this beautiful white cello, pale and
perfect and female. Made me cry.
"i have also noticed that the more exposed to European tastes,
world culture, and historical art, the less critical a person is about
what is 'acceptable and pretty'. Italians may love sleek cars and shoes,
but the history of their acclaimed art includes MANY painters and
sculptors that created homage to women of size- and on the streets of
Genoa a girl can still get a wolf whistle even after putting on a size
24 dress (wink). It's true for most of the world really- once you get
away from the 20th century commercialism and hype, the level of social
acceptability and appreciation changes drastically."
Sadie: You told me once about the first time you played in public
with your partner. Could you share with our readers how it changed you,
in terms of your body?
shadow: "That was one of the scariest nights of my life in terms of
'self esteem' issues. It's one thing to be nude at home, or in front of
a lover, but to go out to a large play space and expose all the folds
and bulges to a whole room full of people was so overwhelming to me. It
was part of one of my first scene essays.
"'And you plan and watch and learn and shy away from the agony of
the night he will beg you to go out with him, but you are ready anyway
when it happens. You have finally found something 'appropriate' to wear-
it covers more than he would like and exposes way more than you would
ever dare- but it is one of the few things you found that fit, that
moved, that makes you feel sexy rather than just uncomfortable.
"And then, when you have made the leap of faith, and come with him,
and walked around, and talked to people, and seen them smile and not
appraise, they look you in your EYES and not at your waist, when you
have seen so many others take their turns- one night, when he tells you
that he wants you NOW up there- naked- that is the moment you fear most.
He keeps your eyes trained only on him, focused and deep in that place
where he knows your buttons, controls your feelings, and can limit your
options, expel your fears.
"Now you have that moment, as he tells you not to worry, as he
pulls you into his heart and wraps all of your past in his arms, and
demands that you be what he knows you can be, the beauty of his eyes,
the free spirit of his desires, and you feel yourself peeling off the
layers of protective covering, exposing nothing more than some skin,
keeping your heart in your throat, your fears long put away in your
head, and your dreams are now in his hands as you mount the cross and
lean forward, giving all your being into his hands.......and he takes
one last look in your eyes, and you see what he sees, and moments
stretch into years, everything changes, and you fly.
"That night was an eye opener for me. It still took well over a
year before i *quit* thinking at all of my size, or what i might look
like to others in a negative fashion. It's a slow growth process for me,
reinforcing positive feelings and spending play time around other
respectful adults that do not need to belittle anyone to enjoy
themselves."
Sadie: How have you personally dealt with the issues around our
culture being critical of fat people?
shadow: "Considering that even the *word* fat is so loaded, i just
avoid that one term totally. People are people. If i am describing
someone, terms like larger or 'woman of size' works. You *can*
differentiate by weight as well as skin color or sexual orientation
without being racist, sexist, etc.
"i have actually had to catch myself from speaking poorly of those
near death size women that now populate our media. Have you seen
California's First Lady Maria Shriver Schwartzenegger? Walking skeleton-
Karen Carpenter looked healthier that that poor woman.
"Our near obsession with seeming to be good looking for film and
the camera has as usual, gone overboard. And dealing with those 'thin'
people who feel comfortable attacking those of us with healthy bodies
will always be with us. Movies and photography changed everything
culturally. But that is a whole discussion in and of itself. Before
there was celluloid (or other film stock that distorts images), the
media of entertainment was live stage performance- and women like Sophie
Tucker, Lilly Langtree and Sarah Bernhardt were GODDESSES- and they were
not light little flowers. We celebrated talent then without equating it
with size or putting a moral judgment on what a woman looked like.
"There are people who have no problem speaking out about how
*awful* size is these days- they just hide their fear behind a facade of
discussion of health. How unhealthy being heavy is, how out of shape we
must be, or how we are shortening our lives. Most of that is mythos. You
cannot tell how in or out of shape the average size person is without
watching them work out. If you press any of these people long enough, i
have found that MANY of them will, eventually, try to explain to you
that being of size is not just wrong- but a moral judgment and somehow
relates to how good a person you are ('If you were *truly* a better
person you would not indulge in the sins of sloth and greedy eating and
would have some self control and take off that ugly weight')- but it is
often hidden or not even recognized as being there until you really ask
them to explain themselves.
"Dealing with these prejudices- and they *are* prejudices- is
difficult. Sort of like trying to talk to a racist and get anything to
make sense, it won't. At the same time, i think that they are often
motivated by their own fears of weight, and wanting or needing to fit in
to the current ideal of 'beautiful'. i personally find nothing beautiful
about a woman's chest bones sticking out farther than her breasts, or
looking more like a Somalian refugee than a Boticelli model. Kate Moss
encouraged a whole generation of impressionable young women to deny
their growing bodies food- many are anorexics and will probably be
facing health issues their whole lives for that one Calvin Klein
advertising campaign. i sure hope it was worth it to society that he
sold a lot of jeans. Lots of our teenagers were permanently warped with
that kind of social message.
"Sadly, those who see themselves as 'thin' see anyone not as 'thin'
as them in the same light as the grossly obese- they cannot
differentiate.
"When a person has a problem with their own body, that is a reason
to work on that issue- not for others, not for some mythological image
of beauty, not to chase some icon that they genes cannot replicate
anyway. And NOT to fit into some size label. Size 0? Gimme a break-
that's not a size, that's a fetus.
"i have a friend who collects old dress patterns.. She can take a
1950's size 10 and lay it on a 1960's size 12 and a 1970's size 14 and a
new pattern today size 16, and they are the SAME size! All the industry
did was lower the numbers to feed female ego's about fitting into
'smaller'. Sadly, we have accepted that as OK.
"Put on top of that the fact that sizes in America *used* to me
made for European Anglo Saxon females and their African American
sisters, with a height average taller than Asians, heavier overall than
Asians, and hip measurements proportionate. Then realize that here in
California and working progressively east, the Asian clothing market is
HUGE and takes up more and more hanger space, marketing, and image
ideals- and you have the entire female population trying to fit into the
clothing created for the slimmer, smaller, much lighter Asian teen
market. Impossible! But the marketing is geared to where the money is-
and there are apparently more Asian females buying clothing than any
other single market here in Nor Cal- So for every Lane Bryant store
catering to women of normal size, you have 12-20 'tiny people' stores,
with nothing but size 1-2-3 jeans and petite small racks. It makes a
trip to a mall less than comfortable for me. i have to walk past 75% of
the clothing stores. Luckily, the shoe stores make up for that.
"Dealing with remarks or situations from outside? Everything from
plane seats created so small that even the average American (who,
according to statistics, is larger than we were 20 years ago, and is a
size 16 for women now) cannot sit in them comfortably, restroom stalls
one cannot turn around in, To clothing mislabeled to flatter young thin
egos gives us a chance to stand up, speak out, and laugh at the people
of the planet still chasing some 'ideal' in their heads that they will
be happier if they look a certain way.
"i have never thought that being thin makes you happy. It makes it
easier to buy clothes, bend over to tie your shoes, and hang from a
cross for hours on end, but it doesn't make anything else better. You
are still you, and if you have self doubts and feelings of inadequacy,
all the outer perfection (or conformity to the current norms) is not
going to make you feel better. A person will just find other things to
pick at that need change. Their voice, their breasts, their wallet,
their job- getting on that comparison and conformity wheel means never
really getting off.
"Almost every great 'thin' model ever interviewed has said, on the
record, that they dislike their bodies, that they worry about their
weight, and that they feel the need to diet. Just this week i watched a
blurb on 'Entertainment Tonight' where they spoke with celebrities on
the Atkins diet. Most of these women ('Friends' cast members, models)
are already not just thin, but REALLY thin- and there they are so
desperate to be different that they are on a diet geared for the 10% of
the population that cannot lose weight on other diets and is for people
that have REAL weight problems- working on VANITY pounds! Heck- not even
vanity- they are working on ghost weight. Fears of fat that isn't there.
"Want to know something great? June 17th, i was in short comfy
shorts and a plain top and high cork heel sandals in the bakery- and i
got hit on by a very nice man who followed me out to the car just to
tell me how hot my legs looked- and that he 'hoped by husband
appreciated me'. Knowing you feel good generates outward."
Sadie: How do you integrate your approach into the BDSM scene
specifically?
shadow: "For one thing, i have openly stood up to size intolerance.
We had one 'leader' that was oh so public about women supporting each
other- right up until one lady of size was going to be seated at the
front volunteer table at an event. She made three separate subtle
attempts to get the woman moved or changed. It was disgusting just how
fast she abandoned all veneers at acceptance when it came to her idea of
putting on an event. We had a public fight about it. Loudly. :)
"i would rather, however, empower others to embrace their beauty
rather than have to make public spectacles of the hypocrites. Writing
about myself, and my own feelings, does that i hope. It gives women at
least one other voice they can feel is out there, speaking a truth
rather than mouthing some set speech, and makes it easier for everyone
to feel more comfortable when they know that the issue is not a hidden
closet bug-aboo, but something that has already been spoken about, dealt
with, and removed from the table.
"i encourage women that are uncomfortable to spend time with me and
some other lovely larger ladies- once they hear how much we are
appreciated at this size (and larger!), they begin to feel more in
control and empowered. There is nothing more attractive than a woman in
a 3X corset who KNOWS she is hotter than shit and has the boobs to show
it.
"As new people enter the kink scene, they will bring with them a
lot of preconceived notions, false ideologies, and fantasies. Those that
are seriously in need of kink in their lives will quickly find a home
here, and those that are passing through will hopefully take some new
tolerances with them.
Sadie: In what ways do you feel that being larger is an advantage to
being either Dominant or Submissive?
shadow: "i don't- There are things you can do with a small
submissive you can't do with a large one- but you CANNOT tie up the
breasts of a small lady with a 32A bra size either! Size gives one
advantages in some things and disadvantages in other. Height does too-
and so does experience. Size is relevant only to your inner child and
the new adult you nurture from them."
Sadie: What kind of encouragement or words of acceptance can you give
to the many people in the scene who are even now struggling with their
body image?
shadow: "Come play with me and my friends. Join a discussion group
where size and body image is openly discussed. QUIT buying those damned
magazines with Demi Moore on the cover!!!! (Yes, she was HOT pregnant
and nude, but that was 15 years ago- let's move on). Buy clothing that
makes you feel GOOD and comfortable. If you can't buy it- make it. My
favorite kink outfits are larger pieces of silk i bought and hemmed and
use as everything from wraps and shawls to skirts, sarongs and waist
ties."
Sadie: What do you like about being a person of size in the scene?
shadow: "It's not my size- i like *me* in scene because i have good
friends here, i have made a huge difference for a lot of people, i feel
that my issues are important ones that need to be heard, and i love the
social factor. Naked public play gets me hot, and humiliation scenes go
*much* better with an audience...(giggle).
"i don't like me in scene when i try to fit other people's ideals
of what's *appropriate*, or when i find myself entrapped in petty power
plays, backstabbing, or politics. But i also know that that is the price
you pay to be an outspoken person- the people that dislike what you say
will usually not just 'disagree', but if they feel threatened, they will
create public strife and discord. i like me oh so much when i have done
what i feel is right, even when i know i will be attacked or vilified.
There is some perverse thing in me that refuses to 'back down' when
threatened, or when i see someone else threatened. i like me when i
don't 'sell out' for personal peace."
Sadie: You are very empathetic in what you describe as a "minor
psychic gift" that your great grandmother passed on to you. What is
this like for you, and have you utilized this in your scenes?
shadow: "LOL... no. Being an untrained empath with a little
precognitive skill is lots of fun at dinner parties or Reno, but it's
not something i can turn on or off. It has, however, stood me well to
listen to that inner voice on several occasions, including a severe fire
warning that nagged me all morning once while visiting friends. We
talked all about fire in their house and where the exits were, etc. i
could not shake the feeling. Their house caught on fire under the
floorboards of the room i was sitting in about 2 hours later while i was
out with my friend. Her spouse saved my newborn son and their cat before
the Fire Dept. saved the rest of the place.
"i have been lucky to identify many good folks on nothing more than
a handshake, and to steer clear of a few disasters in the same way- but
it's not foolproof, just a glimmer."
Sadie: You recently went through a process where you were reassessing
the integrity levels (or lack thereof) of many of the people you knew in
the scene. What had you observed, and what conclusions and actions came
out of this?
shadow: "i quit the scene cold turkey in October of 2003. It just
wasn't 'fun' anymore.
"i finally realized that i was under-judging a lot of people by
basing my views on ONLY what they brought into the scene- which is a
very limited arena, and one that is much easier to personally manipulate
than all the rest of life. The disappointments i was racking up were
hard on me- i had invested too much in folks that were out mostly for
themselves. i had forgotten one of the cardinal rules for submissives,
that you take everything with a grain of salt and look at the *whole*
person, not just the parts that appeal to you or your ego, your
sexuality, or your needs right now. My bad - i was looking at them
through some VERY thick rose colored glasses. [Editor's note: "My
Bad" is a California colloqualism referring to something bad
happening or saying something bad and taking responsibility casually.]
"But i think most of us do that when we first find kink- we are SO
excited and needy and happy to have finally found 'home' that we suspend
our disbelief and ignore a lot of big red flags (like work ethics,
social manners, how their *life* functions).
"Or, to just put it all in a quote:
Yeah, yeah, you're the Prince of Darkness, get a job!
~ anon sub leaving master, per Rick U.
"Master Strong Eagle, my owner, helped me see this. He is a good
man- strong not just for me, but in His whole life. i was trying to view
people based just on their scene persona's, but that's an unclear,
artificially generated picture. If vanilla life is not functional, then
all the kinky attributes in the world aren't going to help. Punctuality,
friendship, fiscal responsibility, honesty, humility, temper control are
not things that can be ignored just because someone has charm, is a
great flogger, or looks wonderful on her knees.
Sadie: You are a serious fear player, and enjoy humiliation as well.
What I'm wondering is what you mean by fear. I personally (Sadie) never
actually feel afraid because the circumstances are so controlled. What
do you mean then?
shadow: "Ooh... fear. Edge play, going places that i am not
comfortable with, that scare me emotionally or because they might be
physically devastating. That gets me off.
"i am property, so, when Master and i made our agreements, my 'safe
words' with Him went out the window. i can *use them*- but that doesn't
mean that He has to obey them. That's a trust issue on my part, and not
for everyone. They became guidelines for Him from me rather than
anything hard and fast, which changes how the 'circumstances are
controlled'. For me, if i am with Him, i AM His- property, chattel,
furniture, pet, lover, toy, bitch, whatever. And i trust Him to do what
He wants responsibly for U/us both in the long haul, as well as the hot
moment.
"Will He take out a knife and cut me? Probably. Will He do it NOW?
Maybe....
"On my cunt? Scary....
"Do i *want* that? Well.. yes and no (wink). My rational mind does
not want to be sliced open, or burnt with a cigar, or thrown to a biker
gang, or put on a fucking machine on a stage, or have my pussy shot with
a stun gun (3 out of the five **have** happened- you guess which ones),
but the FEAR that that is going to happen - and i have no control over
it, am flying (at the time) and so the fear feeds the flying FURTHER,
and the bliss of doing it for Him- THOSE reasons are really good.
"Pushing my comfort levels on sensation alone is fairly easy and
predictable. Creating scenarios that compel my mind to run and hide even
as my slave soul screams 'YES!!! DO IT!!!' and the submissive part of me
thinks 'This is For Master', and the little piece still connected to my
sanity says 'You are out of your fucking mind bitch!'- that gets me off.
"It's like a roller coaster junkie. Knowing the ride is safe makes
it boring. The best coasters have histories of accidents, and the really
great ones are the wooden ones that move all the time under you,
groaning and shaking in ways they weren't intended to. The outcome of
the ride is not assured; fear play at it's finest might be the Big
Dipper in Santa Cruz Calif. on a drizzly day just before they shut down
due to rain- the tracks get really slippery and the brakes don't always
work well.
"Fear *used* to include the possibility of getting caught in
vanilla for me. i think i passed that a while back. Now it's more about
*who* will open that locked box i'm in, and what sick twisted game will
they have in mind:)"
Sadie: You are married to a vanilla man. What are some of the
strategies you've developed so that you can explore your kinky leanings
and still respect your relationship?
shadow: "First, and with no disrespect to others that cannot deal
with their spouses on the same level, it was complete honesty. i could
*never* cheat on anyone- spouse, lover, Master. So when i found out what
my fantasies *were* and got them named, i brought that (slowly) to my
partner. He was not interested at all. He wanted to ignore it and just
forget about it. i needed more, and we had many heart to heart, often
painful discussions- but eventually, we both realized that we loved each
other more than we needed to be martyrs. We could either find a way for
us BOTH to be happy- or we had to divorce. Neither of us wanted to be
without the other, so that meant finding a way for my submission and
sexuality to fly and his life to be sane and normal.
"So we talked a lot more. A LOT. We both trust each other, so there
were no 'rules'. i could do what i needed to do. And i slowly dipped
into the scene, i found where his comfort level was for *information*
(he loves to know where i am and that i am safe, what time i will be
back - or day- and appreciates the funny stories and stuff. He doesn't
want to know about anything sexual or what kinds of twisted things i
have shared).
"i found that i *needed* to have my play partners and he meet, that
it kept me comfortable with my honesty, so we have done that. But i am
VERY lucky to have a very unusual spouse. His ego is not tied to how
well he can do what i do with others, only in his own internal goals.
"We realized we had found the perfect 'model' about three years ago
when i hit on 'Olympic Bowling' as the euphemism for slavery and kink
scene activities. i am a bowler, of Olympic quality, and spouse is not
interested in even *watching* bowling.
"i have team mates i share this with, and travel with, and we get
together a LOT for meetings, discussions, and 'bowling'. i am not about
to leave my family and friends and run off on the professional bowling
circuit, and none of my bowling friends want to hang around and work on
cars. i have a large bag of 'bowling equipment' that is *mine*, but i
don't leave it around the house, nor do i want anyone messing with my
stuff. Spouse loves to meet my team mates, and we sometimes go out to
dinner and talk about other things besides 'bowling', and he likes to
hear the general news from the international bowling leagues, but other
than that, he could care less. Bowling is not going to interfere with
our lives- it's what i do outside the house, on the side. And he
respects me for my needs, does not have any moral judgments on me for
what is hard wired in my soul, and i respect that he has different
wiring and do not blame him for not being 'everything'. i don't want to
work on car engines with him, and he doesn't want to go bowling with me.
"
Sadie: You are an active volunteer, working in women's rights, animal
rights and environmental causes. In the face of what can sometimes seem
like an overwhelming hopelessness, what keeps you motivated?
shadow: "Anger. Hope. Duty, morality, and all those old Jimmy
Stuart movies about what makes the difference between the good guys and
the bad guys. i can't not 'not' do it, anymore than i could quit being a
writer or a mother or a slave. Hard wired.
Sometimes you have to do it 'cause you cannot NOT do it and be honest
with yourself
~ On protest from Martin Sheen"
Sadie: Two of your role models are Upton Sinclair and Mother Jones.
What about their lives moves you?
shadow: "They were underdogs fighting for underdogs against
corruption and 'the system', and they made lasting changes that
benefited people, saved lives, and did it in the face of overwhelming
pressure 'cause it was 'the right thing to do'. And they didn't make a
whole lot of money for it- it was a sense of outrage at the wrongs of
life, and a determination to FIX it. Eleanor Roosevelt said 'Do what you
feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll
be damned if you do and damned if you don't.' , and i have always gone
along with that way of thinking. i also like this line:
Principles only mean something if you stick by them when they are
inconvenient.
~ Laine Hanson (played by Joan Allen) from the movie 'The
Contender'."
Sadie: You have also volunteered extensively in the scene. What have
been some of your favorite projects?
shadow: "i have (and still do) collect regularly for the women's
shelter of the county at kink events, making the donations without
fanfare or any 'organizational name' on them. Nothing like taking brand
new (discounted 50% the day after a holiday) stuffed animal to a shelter
for some child who has just fled home in the dead of night with nothing
but the clothes on their back, knowing that they are going to have
something 'all theirs' and brand NEW as they go into a system of hand me
downs, left overs, hidden addresses, false identities, and court actions
and appearances.
"i also LOVED caring for my munch for 3 years. Seeing friends,
helping new people get comfortable with this strange kinky world,
laughing and talking and watching a room swell with people all finally
'free' to speak out for what they really are inside- that got me
off."
Sadie: Like me you have strong feelings about illegal copyright
issues that pop up so often on the internet. How do you protect your own
writing and what are your feelings about this?
shadow: "i have a lawyer on retainer and a vicious dog in the trunk
of my car that hasn't eaten in three days. My friends will verify my
lack of proportional response on this issue."
Sadie: Is there anything else you'd like to add?
shadow: "Tons- i can rattle on for days. Maybe we can do this again
sometime with the focus on some other pertinent topic?'
Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.'
~ Mignon McLaughlin, author
Sadie: Thank you very much!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html
. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com
. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications
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