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Yaqi is Houston Press' "Best Fetishist 2002,"
a Filmmaker, and Tickling Aficionado. This is the text of his
recent interview with Sensuous Sadie. You can also read Sadie's
SCENEprofiles Interview with Yaqi.
Yaqi:
I’ve always felt that our culture has a lot of fundamental problems
with how it approaches sex. I think it’s fortunate that we live in an
age where individuals have more avenues to explore their sexuality but
despite all that is out there, there is still an overwhelming fear that
a lot of people have about exposure and acceptance of their interests.
What are your thoughts on the mainstream acceptance of fantasy and
fetish exploration? Do you think it will always be segregated in its
various countercultures or do you see a day when mankind’s sexual
repression erodes sufficiently to insure a society where people are more
comfortable at taking risks?
Sadie:
Well, first of all in order to increase acceptance of women in your
vision there, I’d change that to "humankind." To answer your
question, I see a radical change happening at this very moment. The
birth control pill started a radical change in the history of sexuality,
and since then it has become increasingly more acceptable in every
flavor. If you look at the visibility and acceptance of the gay and
lesbian community, you can see our community following in those same
footsteps. I compare it to the stock market. Stocks go up and down every
day, but if you look at the trend over ten years, the movement is always
upward. It is the same for us, despite occasional and periodic
backlashes.
This trend is also an example of Alvin Toffler’s theory of
Accelerative Thrust, which he wrote about in his book Future Shock.
The idea is that technology is not only happening faster, it’s
happening faster at an accelerated rate. So instead of an arithmetic
growth, there is an exponential rate of change. It’s pretty amazing
that he wrote this in 1970, considering he could not have known of the
technological revolution to follow. You can see this same pattern in the
rate of change in attitudes about sexuality, and that’s a good thing
for all of us. I believe the internet also has a big part in this
because of the information explosion that went along with that. More
information translates to more freedom.
I believe that each of us must work toward that kind of acceptance if we
want to live without fear. (See my article on this: Think Globally,
Spank Locally). I realize that some of the thrill comes from doing
things generally considered verboten, but when secrets dominate your
existence you are by definition vulnerable to losing your job, losing
your children, and so on. It’s only by being proud and practical about
our lifestyle we can live freely.
Because I am still "in the closet" in some ways, a number of
people have asked me how I can get on the soapbox for coming out, and
yet still keep my identity private. Here’s my thinking on this. I live
in Vermont, which is sexually very conservative. In addition to that, it’s
so incredibly small that if you knew my real name, and you asked a few
people downtown, several of them, including Kevin Bacon possibly, would
know who I am.*
While I believe in what we are doing, I don’t believe it’s necessary
for everyone and their dog to know about my sexual orientation
specifically. That is private in the sense that it’s my business. This
is different than my writing, which is out there for anyone to read. My
writing is my creative outlet. My actual private sex life is my
business. You’ll notice that I very rarely write about actual scenes
or things I do with my lover in bed. I consider that intimate stuff and
only write about it in the context of a story, which of course has
elements of fictionalized reality. I do tell my friends and family, and
am an activist in other ways, ways which I choose. Coming out is a lot
like feminism. The idea is that feminism, or BDSMism gives us the choice
to act as we choose. There is no outstanding directive that we should
either get a job outside the home, or become a leather activist,
marching in some parade. It’s all about making a choice that best
serves our individual and collective goals.
This culturalized sexual anxiety also affects people on an individual
basis. That is, once they know this about me – they are unable to see
me as a whole person, just a neighbor. After this comes out, it’s
always Sadie – the kinky girl. I am kinky, but I am far more than
that. I do believe if I had a job where this didn’t matter, or if I
lived in a metropolitan area, or in a more liberal place, things might
be different. On the other hand, maybe I’m just fooling myself. It’s
hard to say. Truth will out.
Yaqi:
I think it is interesting that you consider yourself a Taoist. I think
that erotic exploration can be very Taoist but don’t you think that
bondage, domination, and submission are inherently in conflict with the
"natural flow of things" and the "balance" that
Lao-Tse spoke about?
Sadie:
There’s a quote I like by Horatio on the television series CSI where
he said, "Some horses run better in a harness." What he was
saying is that structure and limits can create freedom, even though that
might appear paradoxical on the surface. I too am a free spirit, but I
also run better in a harness. When I am within the space of a quality
Dominant, I am more able to be myself and express myself fully. I can’t
even begin to explain this, but it is true. I’m perfectly capable of
taking care of every part of my life, and have been for many years, but
having a partner takes the edge off.
When I am in alignment with my own true self (this is the only place I
believe in Truth), then I am going with the natural flow of things. That
flow is not just exterior events and how we respond to them. That flow
is about what’s transforming inside of us, and how we engage with
that. I don’t think Lao-Tse would say that any particular practice, be
it baking cakes or getting the hooey flogged out of us, is in conflict
or is not in conflict with our inner path. I think he’d say that if
our inner path cries out to be flogged, then flogged we should be.
The natural flow of things is not the "Natural Flow of Things"
as determined Lao Tse, or really anyone. It’s the flow within myself
as I define it. I am the ultimate arbiter of my own spiritual
exploration.
Yaqi:
How has your exploration of BDSM shaped you as a developing spiritual
entity? Obviously our characters are molded by the experiences that we
have and you have chosen a path that not everyone would travel with the
boldness that you have. How have your experiences with BDSM shaped and
influenced who you are today?
Sadie:
That’s an interesting question. I have always been the way I am now in
terms of my approach to life, my drive, my joie de vivre. BDSM didn’t
change that. What BDSM has done for me is given me a niche where my
voice can be heard. It just so happens that my writing has coincided
with a great need for material that addresses the emotional and
spiritual side of things. I’d even venture to say that our BDSM
community is on the crest of a great wave of spiritual engagement. I
think of it like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Once you have the basic
needs taken care of, like eating and food and shelter, you can move on
to the spiritual and emotional needs. We’ve spend the last twenty
years getting our basic needs for information and community in place.
Now we’re ready to take the next step and explore some deeper levels.
In the last few years, my activities in this area have more or less
taken over most of my free time. As a result, I am far more focused and
integrated in terms of the balance of my thoughts. I still have vanilla
interests, which keeps me from becoming one of those horribly dull BDSM
people who talk about toys all day, but the focus of my drive and
passion is now in one direction. This illustrates the spiritual idea
that through commitment, we become more fulfilled. On the superficial
level it often appears that by taking one path, we’re missing out on
others. Ultimately, it’s more important how deeply we explore our
passion, not that we tried every possible diversion on the planet.
That’s the big picture side of how BDSM has changed me. The other side
of that is whether the actual practice of it has changed me, and I don’t
think it really has. Relationships and sex are far more satisfying now
that I am getting what I need. But the actual practice itself is just
another expression of my spiritual (and my horndogly) self.
Yaqi:
As a fellow writer I’d like to know who has inspired you over the
years and I mean from both a technical and erotic standpoint. Obviously
the last century saw groundbreaking mainstream work, from Henry James to
D.H. Lawrence to John Fowles to William S. Burroughs, who reduced
erotica to a crude, almost primal instinct. Was their any author that
inspired or helped shape your writings and philosophies?
Sadie:
The funny thing is that I read very little non-fiction, and I hate to
admit it, but almost no classic authors. I read mostly to escape and non
fiction is too much work. (I got no culchuh) I prefer mysteries, mostly
by women authors. Mysteries offer a nice closed system, where there is a
problem, and it gets solved. When I read novels I often wonder when the
heck the plot is going to happen. I take that same approach in my
writing as well. I don’t assume that people will want to read my stuff
because I’m brilliant or whatever. I write a story that hooks the
reader, and give them closure at the end.
Before I began to actively research the BDSM scene, and the spiritual
aspect in particular, the only BDSM book I’d read is Screw the
Roses, Send me the Thorns, which really may be all anyone needs
because it is both informational and funny. Most of the kink books are
practical as in how to tie someone up, and that bores me to no end.
On the spiritual end, I have a few books in my bookcase, but not many. I
was brought up Unitarian Universalist, and one of the key tenets is that
each of us can experience God directly, without an intermediary such as
a priest. So most of my writing is about my own experiences in engaging
with my spiritual self.
Generally speaking I don’t read erotica, although I’m currently
reading Laura Antoniou’s book The Reunion. I’d have to say if
I was going to read erotica, I’d read hers. She gets it. Real
characters, real situations. Just enough hot scenes to make me wet, but
no gratuitous head jobs.
Here’s what’s on my bookshelf at the moment:
Mysteries:
Sharon McCrumb– her Appalachia mystery series is probably the
single best mystery series I’ve ever read
Minette Walters – another author who writes about complex characters
and situations. Top notch
Michael Connelly – absolutely engaging writing.
Michael C. White – a novelist I recently discovered who writes some
crossover stuff. He has an ability to get inside his character’s mind
in an amazing way.
Graham Green – Maybe the only classic author on my list. There’s
also a new movie of one of his books – The Quiet American.
BDSM Books
Leatherfolk – Edited by Mark Thompson. A classic and has a
lot of spiritual stuff in it.
Bitch Goddess – Edited by Pat Califia. Another classic.
Slavecraft - by Guy Baldwin – Powerful stuff
Endless Knot: A Spiritual Odyssey Through Sado-Masochism - By
Mathew Styranka
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns – Molly Devon
The Marketplace and The Reunion – Both by Laura Antoniou
Spirituality Books
Peace is Every Step – Thick Nhat Haan
The Tao of Leadership – John Heider
Listening – How to Increase Awareness of your Inner Guide –
Coit
The Tao of Pooh – Benjamin Hoff
Flow, The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly
Csikszentmihalyi
Yaqi:
Morality is a human concept that does not exist outside the confines of
human culture. It’s an ever changing set of arbitrary rules that we
have "decided" defines civilized human behavior. We judge,
accept and condemn by these values. What is your take on morality in an
ever changing society in terms of living a BDSM lifestyle?
Sadie:
You’re making some assumptions that readers will both understand and
agree with your statements there. They may well not, but I do. This was
also a favorite topic of my intellectual college buddy Dominic, who
would go on to become my first Master (although neither of us even
imagined it at the time). Most people do assume that the rules of their
culture are "Truth." The problem is that aside from incest
maybe, there are no hard and fast rules that cross all cultures. For
example, in America, monogamous marriages are primary; not so in many
middle eastern countries where polygamy is common. Even within our own
country we say "Don’t Kill," but that’s not including war.
In wartime it’s okay to kill.
I am a relativist for the most part. I don’t believe in any Truth,
with a capital T. There are lots of things in the BDSM world that really
turn me off, but I still wouldn’t classify them as wrong by
definition. For example generally speaking I think humiliation is a bad
thing. (see my article A Dominant’s Ethics and Some Messy Emotional
Areas of the Human Psyche) I also don’t mess with the emotional
end of domination and submission – it’s just plain too risky. But I
understand on a fundamental level that these issues are about me, and
may well be transformational for someone else. That’s not just
political chit chat; I really believe it.
Yaqi:
"Fetish," to me is an ugly stigmatism because it still
insinuates behavior that is "not quite normal," and I’ve
always felt that people who have fantasies but never act upon them,
repressing them for whatever reasons, ultimately do themselves a gross
disservice. What advice would you have for someone wanting to realize an
erotic "fetish" but is sufficiently kept in check by the
repressive nature of morality?
Sadie:
I’m a terrible person to ask questions like this because I was brought
up in a sexually radical household. (For more on that read my article Born
a Hoochie Mama) Unfortunately I tend to be impatient with people and
their fears. Having not experienced those fears, it’s very difficult
for me to empathize. What I usually do is send them to someone who can
relate.
I’ve never been someone who believes in changing society from the
outside. IE I don’t think marching on Washington generally does a jot
of good. I believe in changing things from the inside, and so I see my
writing as a way to reach out to people and help them feel valid in what
they are doing. It’s a kind of micro engineering where by changing
your insides, you end up changing your outsides, and by extension the
world. It’s all about doing the inner work, and when that’s in ship
shape, it turns out the outside stuff is too, regardless of your
particular circumstances. Practically speaking, bad things happen to all
of us. But because I’ve got God, I can handle them with far more
aplomb.
For example, a few years back I became unemployed. A friend of mine was
extremely worried about me, but I told her it was fine, that God would
take care of me. Of course she thought I was deluding myself and was
very worried about me. A few years later, I’m fully employed and got
through the unemployment period with no serious damage. Now once again,
the specter of unemployment has come around again because of federal
funding issues. I reminded my friend that I was taken care of last time,
and that I hoped she could see that, and so I didn’t have to fear this
time either. To me, this process showed that I can depend on the
universe. To her, it showed that I’m in a state of continual delusion.
The bottom line to me is not whether or not she believes in God, but
that my life is better because I do. If I’m deluding myself, I can
live with that. Neither one of us will really ever know until we hit the
pearly gates… or we don’t.
Yaqi:
Recently I’ve been noticing an almost schizophrenic attitude in the
Internet tickling community that seems to stem from inner conflict. For
example, an individual recently expressed an interest in seeing real,
non consensual tickle torture. And a whole lot of folks really jumped on
him, saying that is was wrong, not politically correct, how dare he
propose this and all sorts of other rubbish, and the discussion thread
took on a very judgmental demure. Yet these people who objected to it
are the same people who write, read and fantasize about non consensual
tickling situations. In fact, one of the driving forces of most tickling
fiction, especially stories about celebrities, are the non consensual
aspects. So, I’m seeing a real duality in the tickling community, a
sort of internal juggling between wicked fantasy and a desire to be
morally corrected. Granted, most of the "vocal" components of
the community are not necessarily amongst the most intelligent, but the
conflict seems valid enough. What is your take on this, as undoubtedly
you must encounter it in your circles? Is there a dividing line between
BDSM and morality or is a healthier symbiosis possible?
Sadie:
You could substitute whipping or rape or bondage in there for tickling.
It’s common for people to fantasize about it being
"non-consensual" for several reasons. The main one is that it
gives people an "out," – i.e. "I couldn’t help
myself, they made me." In real life, no one enjoys being raped or
tied up and kidnapped – it’s darn scary. But since most of us haven’t
experienced those things in real life, we don’t know about the
emotional impact of real violence. Rape and kidnapping victims probably
do not fantasize about being raped or kidnapped. It is understandable
that people jumped on the person who wanted to see non-consensual play
because if we say non-consensual play is okay, then it opens the door
for abuse.
In my writer’s group we’ve discussed this at length. I had an issue
with stories that didn’t include safe sex, i.e. condoms. My fellow
writers helped me understand that writing, reading, or fantasizing about
something is a different thing than actually doing it. I still believe
that even stories should encourage safe play, but it’s also okay for
them to be just fantasies.
All play must be consensual, but that’s only real time play; it has
nothing to do with fantasy. It’s incredibly unfortunate that people
feel that they can judge others, especially when we are all fighting for
acceptance in the larger vanilla community. If I have a problem with
anything, it’s with people who go off on others, and this is in no
small part because people go off on me periodically. Unfortunately this
is very common in our community. I believe it comes out of insecurity
and fear. If you are grounded emotionally and spiritually, there is no
need to criticize anyone else for what they do, especially publicly. The
only time when I speak out is when someone is actually being hurt.
Yaqi:
What has been your experiences with tickling? Do you encounter it much?
You’ve already fessed up to being ticklish. Would you ever consider
submitting to a mind blowing bondage and tickle torture session
administered by, say… me?
Sadie:
When I was growing up my dad taught me to be unticklish, which I suppose
made me less vulnerable to my sister and brother. Generally I like it
some, as long as people don’t poke me. I recently got a pair of
vampire gloves which make me scream and giggle with delight. It’s a
lot like tickling, with some pain mixed in.
I have never been "done" by an expert such as yourself, so the
answer is a resounding Yes! Consider this a formal invitation to visit
Vermont’s beautiful Green Mountains. I’ll even gift you with some
maple syrup – yummy!
Yaqi:
It’s been my experience that "tickling" is often snubbed by
BDSM communities as something too tame. Ruthless tickling can be
exquisite torture of the most diabolical sorts. How do you see tickling?
I suppose that snubbing has to do with tickling being connected with
childhood which gives it that childish aspect, not to mention a shadowy
specter of sexual abuse of children. There’s also this idiotic
underlying idea that the Submissive who takes the most pain wins. So fun
things like tickling and spanking can be laughed off as not serious
BDSM. It’s just another example of insecure fools thinking they are
LeatherGod. I guess some of it is just human nature, but it’s
extremely annoying to say the least, not to mention in conflict with a
healthy cohesive community.
I think all of that is silly. If tickling turns you on, more power to
you! As for my personal experience, well I guess I’ll be better able
to address that after you give me your best. J
Yaqi:
Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Sadie:
Yaqi – you sure got some brainolas in your cupola there! Of course I’ve
done that interview with myself, which is a compilation of questions
people ask me. But you were right in noting that it has a certain
leaning to it which of course happened by virtue of the fact that I
edited it. It’s a pleasure working with someone who asks intelligent
questions and is genuinely engaged in the more complex aspects of our
culture. Thank you for interviewing me!
In closing, (climbing up on my soapbox) I say: "Tickle Power!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reference: The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
About Yaqi
Houston Press' "Best Fetishist 2002," Filmmaker,
and Tickling Aficionado
SCENEprofiles Interview with Yaqi
This article is reprinted here with the explicit
permission of Yaqi. If you would like to share it with others, please
link directly to this page or contact him for permission. It is a
violation of copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without
that permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more
than 20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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