SCENEprofiles Interview with 
Patrick Califia
Author & Activist 

More photos after interview

patcalifia@aol.com 

http://www.patcalifia.com/ 

SENSUOUS SADIE: You've said, "I've never been a particularly popular writer. I've always pissed people off." Still, you are one of the best known writers in the BDSM and lesbian genres. What do you think it is about your style that rubs readers the wrong way?

PATRICK CALIFIA: "That statement is more of a description of vanilla readers than the sexual minority people who are my fan base. More mainstream readers are obviously going to be turned off by frank discussions of sexuality, especially kinky sex. And most people find it difficult to think about the politics of censorship, social control, gender, and the other issues that I like to take apart in my non-fiction. However, there are also people within the BDSM community who don't particularly like my work, for a whole bunch of reasons. Some of them find it too violent, others think that I don't concentrate enough on presenting the leather community in an entirely positive light, some devotees of identity politics are offended because I write about people of all genders and sexual orientations, and others may not be offended but may simply prefer a different sort of writing style or content.

"I believe as a community we are grown up enough to talk about some of our problems. This can be upsetting to people who believe that these issues shouldn't be made public or aired in print. But I believe that secrets like that just make you sicker, and so I've gotten into trouble now and then by writing about things like domestic violence in the S/M community, or some of the problematic aspects of BDSM relationships or roles.

"One of the ways writers can trip themselves up is to try to write for some kind of fantasy reader who represents the average man or woman. Trying to please too many people at once can make your work woefully generic. I think that when a writer forgets about the reader and just focuses on trying to tell their story in the most honest and artful way that they can, they paradoxically attract more readers, because the message is clear, and the work acquires individuality and authenticity."

Sadie: You add that that "I want to turn my readers on, but I also want to disturb them and make them think." What's on your agenda at the moment?

Patrick: "Given the poor state of the economy and the death of so many independent bookstores, I and every other writer whose work has been handled by small presses is being hard-put to simply keep work on the shelves right now. If Barnes and Noble is in charge of what will be put in front of anybody who wants to buy a book, pervs are in big trouble. These big chains have enormous power as censors. I'm wondering if I would do better self-publishing my work.

"If you are asking me about the themes that preoccupy me right now, I'd say that I am thinking a lot about childhood and how it shapes us as adults. The experience of being a parent hasn't turned me off to writing about sex, but I'm also interested now in trying to capture some stories about what happens in families. Or at least, what happened in mine.

Patrick: "Because I'm bisexual and transgendered, and interested in polyamory, promiscuity, and cross-orientation play, I have experienced sex from many different points of view. Without being heterosexual, a lesbian, or a gay man, I know more about what it feels like to interact in those modalities than many people who do identify in those specific ways. Without being a man or a woman, I have empathy with and have experienced at least portions of those physicalities and psychologies. Sex has had a kaleidoscopic role in my life, bringing so many different rich colors and patterns. And of course I can also write from the perspective of being transgendered, which is a relatively new sort of voice, both in erotic fiction and in the field of social criticism.

Sadie: You write that "because we are transgendered men, we're a scandal. That is what the fight for sexual freedom is all about: The right to be left alone to enjoy the pleasures of an ordinary life." Now that you've been in this experience a few years, what has been your experience with being accepted both by the group that you left (lesbians) as well as the groups that you've moved into? How has this affected your writing?

Patrick: "I began transitioning about four years ago, if you count my anniversary from the day I took my first shot of testosterone. I had chest surgery about two years ago. The quote that you use is taken from an article about raising a child with another transgendered man. Blake is three years old, nearly four. I'm not sure if you are asking about my experience of being a TG parent, a transman, or something else. I think that most of my friends have been very supportive of both changes in my life. But the majority of lesbians are pretty pissed off at me, I think, and feel that I've betrayed them. While many other FTMs have been very welcoming, there are also people in the FTM community who don't like sadomasochists or hate fags or just think that I'm a terrible person because of my criticism of age of consent laws and child pornography legislation. And the larger society sees just about everything I do as either sinful or illegal."

Sadie: You are a Wiccan and write about the BDSM/spirituality connection in your anthology "Bitch Goddess: The Spiritual Path of the Dominant Woman." How have you integrated your spiritual practices into your BDSM practices?

Patrick: " ‘Bitch Goddess’ was an anthology that I co-edited with Drew Campbell, so it includes a lot of different viewpoints about the spirituality, not of S/M in general, but of the specific experience of being or being with a dominant woman. Unfortunately, the book is out of print. I do talk some more about these issues in a few essays in my new book, ‘Speaking Sex to Power,’ which is just out from Cleis Press.

"What is spirituality? I define it in a very broad way. I don't think you have to believe in God to have a spiritual component to your life. To my way of thinking, spirituality encompasses everything we do that is not motivated purely by meeting our survival needs and striving for material success. The Leather Archives represents a spiritual project to me, for example, because it is about respecting our ancestors, keeping some kind of accounting of our own lives, and preserving a record that will make things easier for the next generation of leather people.

"I express my spirituality by praying, officiating at rituals like handfastings and funerals, offering kindness to others, generating a greater personal capacity for compassion, and studying myth and religion. My personal images of divinity are predominantly female, so I call myself a goddess worshipper. The culture of ancient Crete is especially important to me.

"In S/M, or in any form of sexuality, there are a lot of different potential spiritual experiences. There's the opportunity to worship, in the person of the beloved, a representation of the divine. One can see sexuality as a form of ministry which generates joy instead of adding to human misery. That joy is often a conduit into a transcendental state which can lead one to experience a sense of unity with the divine. S/M can be used to do shamanic work, to induce trances and do healing. Rituals can help people to leave behind unwanted parts of themselves and undergo transformation. Sex can be used as a magic act to request a blessing or bind yourself to another. I could go on about this for days.

"It's basically a matter of intent, I think. If you want sexuality, whether that's S/M or vanilla, to have a larger meaning than a hot fuck or a really good orgasm, then it acquires these other levels or layers. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a sexual experience to be nothing more than physically pleasurable, of course. In fact, I sometimes get impatient with BDSM people who use the language of spirituality to justify getting tied up and beaten when the desire to do that is valid in and of itself, and doesn't require any sort of apology or dressing up. But who am I to differentiate between genuine spiritual striving and guilt? We're such complex creatures, the only person who can really make such judgments is the individual who is involved in the experience."

Sadie: How would you describe your BDSM philosophy? What are your particular interests at the moment? (that is, when you have a free moment from parenting)

Patrick: "My BDSM philosophy? I don't think I can answer this question. Philosophy about what, exactly? If you're asking what's important to me about it or what my values are, I guess I could say that fantasies about physical restraint and corporal punishment were part of my psyche since I was a very small child. If I have a sexual orientation, it's not about the gender of my partner, it's about S/M. However, I don't think I've ever figured out how to have a good, ongoing S/M relationship. So for now I am concentrating on trying to find play partners who are as committed to nonmonogamy as I am, who are looking for an ongoing friendship that includes sex rather than a romantic relationship. I want to keep things clean on a scene-by-scene basis, and see where that takes me.

"I feel burned out on falling in love right now since it's never led to anything but mutual disappointment and resentment. I think under the influence of infatuation both tops and bottoms can want too much and promise things they can't deliver. It has never been possible for me to keep a good property relationship going if I live with that person. So I want to try arranging my relationships in some different ways. I am convinced I am the type of person who should live alone. Writers are terrible partners in a lot of ways. We're selfish, we live in another world, we don't really care about anything except the work itself, we don't do much housework, we're lousy with money, we stay up late, we expect people to read the same thing over and over again just because we've moved a comma. Really, who could put up with that? It's just too much."

Sadie: You wrote that as a woman, you "tried to be a different kind of woman, a sexually adventurous gender-fucking dyke who enjoyed every possible male prerogative." Now that you are a man, and were in relationship with Matt, another transgendered man, how would you say your sexual style has changed? (aside from the obvious)

Patrick: "I'm no longer in a relationship with Matt. We are trying to co-parent Blake, but we are no longer lovers. Until recently I was in a relationship with a woman who identifies herself as a lesbian, and I found that was not really workable because the only way she could allow herself to be with me was to refuse to acknowledge my male identity. I'm not sure who I would try this with again. I'm attracted to genetic men and women as well as other transpeople. But it can be difficult to be with someone who has gender issues. I'm not always open to being touched everywhere all the time, and I have enough grief about the way that my body continues to be female that it can be an obstacle to self-love or accepting love from others.

"The biggest change in my sexual style comes from taking testosterone. It concentrates and intensifies your sex drive something fierce. And I had a pretty strong sex drive before! Visual cues became very strong for me, so that I was practically running into lamp posts every time I saw a girl in a short skirt or a guy with a nice butt. I feel fewer inhibitions as a top. I'm meaner. (Oh no, not that!) But I wouldn't say that I've experienced any major changes. I feel less incongruity, my tits don't get in the way when I'm fucking somebody. But my body only feels halfway there. I don't like the expense or risk involved in getting a phalloplasty, and the results are still not very good. But the constant awareness of not having male genitals is upsetting sometimes.

Patrick: "Oh, this is just pure self-interest. I want there to be more switches because I like to switch.

"Actually, there is also a problem here in terms of having a relationship between a top and a bottom. I know that there are many tops who prefer a 100% bottom. And there are some advantages, I acknowledge that. It can be really nice to have all that role stuff sorted out, so there's no arguments about who will bottom for who at a play party, and no question who is the boss. I do enjoy that. But I think that sometimes someone who never tops just doesn't understand how much it takes out of a person, what the moral dilemmas are, how much responsibility it can be. It's really damned hard. And often, people expect to be able to solve problems by being bottoms that the BDSM experience is not going to give them.

"Even a 24/7 slave is lonely sometimes, for example, or bored, or insecure or jealous. Bottoming will not cure you of depression or give you immortality. People who switch can have more realistic expectations, I've found, than someone who never ever wants to top.

"But isn't this also a sexual orientation issue? I mean, for all that I bitch about this, the fact is that some people just don't like to top, they aren't any good at it, and pressuring them to do it just makes them miserable. While I've certainly been catty about this, I think I've also been somewhat unfair."

Sadie: You have commented that you will always be somewhat gender ambiguous. Aside from the physical issues, what does this mean emotionally and spiritually?

Patrick: "You can't separate the physical issues from the emotional or spiritual ones. I'm a third gender person, and our society does not acknowledge that such people exist, and if we do, it doesn't have a use for us. But I believe being gender-ambiguous is an important part of my ability to function as a priest and a magician. When I do a wedding ceremony, which I'm legally recognized as being able to consecrate in the state of California, as male and female I can really join male and female together in that ritual. I can bring both of those energies into the room and knit them together. I can also function more effectively as an intermediary between other dichotomies or opposites, between life and death or between this world and the Other World. But it also means that I am always excluded, even if I am physically present, at women-only and men-only events. Because of the way my body is configured, I am both/neither and so my own emotional and physical reality is mirrored only by other transgendered people."

Sadie: Your career prior to the changeover was as a lesbian therapist. How have your experiences in the transition changed your work?

Patrick: "I'm still a therapist, and I work with all kinds of sexual minority people. I have clients who are sex workers, people in non-traditional relationships, BDSM folks, transgendered people, lesbians and gay men, bisexual folks, people with concerns about sexuality. But my practice is really not about sexual issues predominantly. I work a lot more with issues like depression, but my clients tend to be people who would be afraid to discuss that with a more traditional therapist, for fear of being told that their sexuality was the reason for all of their problems."

Sadie: On the one hand, you are a nationally known author and activist in the BDSM scene, and on the other you described your son who "who shrieks with delight at the sight of the tortoise-shell cat, viciously bites Cheerios in half and then lets them slip out of his mouth on a waterfall of drool, and opens the kitchen cabinets to drag out the very largest pots, so he can drum on them with a grubby spoon." How has raising a child changed you?

Patrick: "I am very very tired."

Sadie: Any set of parents faces some pretty tough issues in raising a child. What are some of the special issues that you and Matt have faced because of your dual transgender (female-to-male or FTM) status?

Patrick: "In public we are perceived as two gay men who have a child. But if we go out with one of our female friends, or with my girlfriend, most people assume that she and Matt are a couple and I am either not with them at all or maybe a friend or grandpa. Gay parents really upset some people, but we have encountered surprisingly little hostility. This may be because Blake is obviously a special-needs kid. (He has autistic spectrum disorder, and he's very hyper.) We tend to do more bonding with heterosexuals than fighting off homophobia. Anybody who has kids knows what it's like to raise them, and they want to share stories. We have lived in San Francisco and Los Angeles, and those are big cities. So I think that makes us less of a shock. We really love Blake, and I think you'd have to be a complete and total asshole to hate us after you've seen us carefully cart him around, keep him from hurting himself, entertain him, and teach him stuff while we also throw things in the grocery cart."

Sadie: You write that, "I can't ignore the drawer full of discarded collars, dog tags, chains, and tit rings that I periodically mourn over, as if each one was a bead on a rosary of self-reproach. The skills that it takes to maintain a lifelong, committed, 24/7 S/M relationship have eluded me." It's remarkable that you are able to admit this kind of vulnerability in one of your columns. Considering the special challenges that the BDSM relationship requires in addition to the usual ones of the vanilla relationship, what advice can you give to others looking for love and BDSM all in one?

Patrick: "First of all, love is wonderful. It's one of those peak emotional experiences that transforms a mundane life into something exciting, arousing, and hopeful. Given how intense it is, I think people tend to want to prolong it or hang on to it, but some of the ways that we try to do that don't work very well. People act as if they have to do everything at once. But maybe there isn't such a big hurry. I'd advise people to be very cautious about trying to live with the same person they fall in love with. The courtship phase of a relationship is so fabulous, stretch it out, savor it.

"The biggest enemies of desire are resentment and conformity. So anything you can do to keep the relationship emotionally clear will help to keep the sex hot. And don't avoid conflict or being different from one another. People do tend to smooth off their own edges or try to take the edges off their partner when they are settling down, and I believe that's one of the reasons why couples start having sex less frequently the longer they are together. Why break up and have pretty much the same relationship with somebody else when you could hang on to your individuality, assert your valid needs even if your partner doesn't like them, and behave the same way that you did when you were falling in love? Granted, I have yet to pull this off. But it sounds good, doesn't it?"

Sadie: You write, "it is pretty damned hard to not feel like a failure when one's dreams don't come true, even if lack of success has nothing to do with one's individual shortcomings and everything to do with how the system of sexual privilege works." How can we, as individuals overcome these limitations and live fulfilling lives within our BDSM orientation?

Patrick: "There's no answer to that. We exist in the context that we're thrown into, and sometimes we can triumph over some of its problematic aspects, and sometimes we can't. The world is not a fair place. And sometimes terrible things happen to us, no matter how hard we try to avoid them, even if we don't deserve them at all. I suppose I can list some coping mechanisms for surviving life in an unjust and fucked up world. A sense of humor helps. Not blaming yourself for the things that are beyond your control. Hanging on to a sense of your own personal ethics as having value, even if there are so many powerful people who look like they're doing great without any ethics at all. Trying to leave the world a better place than you found it. Doing your best to do a good job with the things that you can control. Seeking out companionship, friendship, desire. I also think that political activism is a great antidote to anxiety and depression.

"What the hell have we got to lose, really? Fighting back is better than just being a stupid passive victim, even if you lose the fight. Social change will happen anyway. I heard lot of people after the Operation Spanner campaign sound very depressed because we had lost the appeal to the European Court. But in fact the publicity, education, and community organizing that went on to fight that case have made life a lot better and safer for S/M people in the industrialized western nations. Eventually there will be a case like Spanner that we won't lose, like the San Diego 6."

Sadie: When you first met Matt, and you were still a woman, you were generally perceived as a "fag/dyke couple rather than two gay/bi men in a daddy/boy relationship." How did this kind of labeling affect your relationship with the larger community? Why do you think that our community, which is marginalized enough as it is, feels the need to box people in with labels?

Patrick: "I'm not sure that labeling people is always a bad thing. I wouldn't recommend life without nouns. We have a natural tendency to try to figure out what our relationship with another person should be. Do we have any affinity? Is loyalty due? Are we enemies? Is this an appropriate object of desire? Those social ties are so basic to a healthy life, for a human being. I just wish that people would be a little more humble about our ability to accurately capture another person's reality within a word or two. We need to be aware that it's normal for identity to fluctuate over the course of a person's life, or from one relationship to another. And we need to be gentle with ourselves and others when those changes happen. It's also important to see those labels as approximations that should always be open to correction or revision.

"New labels will always be coming along, and sometimes they'll be an improvement over the paradigms that they replace. I see labels as the beginning rather than the end of getting to know a person. It's a way to make a gross generalization that gives me a few cues about how to proceed to learn more. But it's not a way to dismiss somebody or cast them aside. By slowing down and eliciting more information, I can embroider my understanding both of the person and of the label. Finally, it is crucial to remind yourself that not everybody who shares a label will be the same in every other respect. Not all straight men are anti-feminist, not all gay men hate women, etc."

Sadie: The level of drama and intrigue in our community has always bothered me, and you describe it as "an attempt to distract ourselves from feeling cramped by the extremely tiny stage on which we are allowed to enact these emotions." Can you expand on this?

Patrick: "Any time you trap some animals and incarcerate them in a space that is much smaller than their natural territory, they will fight with each other."

Sadie: Do you think this drama level also has to do with our innate natures of being into the power exchange? What if anything can be done to keep people and our community as a whole on an even keel?

Patrick: "People love to gossip. It's a form of recreation that I don't think you can eliminate. Of course we want to know the most intimate details of other people's lives! And of course we have opinions about what we hear. But I think there's a difference between gossip as a way of spreading important news and gossip that's malicious. When I hear something bad about someone in the scene, I keep it to myself unless: (a) I can verify, from personal experience, that it's true, and (b) passing on that information is necessary to prevent harm to a third party. I think we can all be more conscious about this. Why not pass on all of the good things that we've seen each other do, or heard about? Why not use gossip as a way to praise somebody?"

"There is an extent to which BDSM people act out or misbehave in hopes of being caught by someone more powerful who will expose and punish them. (Come to think of it, everybody does this, it's so much fun to make daddy angry.) When I meet people who make a habit of this, I try to quarantine them right out of my life. I'm especially wary of somebody who comes to me with a complaint about another person who wants me to settle it for them while keeping the fact that they told me about it a secret. If you want my help to confront someone who did you wrong, or if you want a community forum about something that needs to be fixed, I'll help with that. But you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and say your own piece.

"It's way too easy to find fault with what a community leader has done. We forget that our leaders are volunteers. They don't get paid for doing work on our behalf. The only reward they get is knowledge of a job well done, and hopefully the gratitude of their community. My opinion is that if you want to bitch about what an officer of an organization did, you should probably put your little hand in the air and volunteer to do a job yourself. Then see how well YOU manage to please all of the people, all of the time.

"Of course, when we have people in our groups who embezzle funds, engage in sexual exploitation, or do harm in other ways, we have to remove them from power, and eeeeeuuuw, what a mess that can be."

Sadie: You've written extensively about child pornography laws and how they interact with the issues of supporting gay youth. What are the political issues that you are now working for?

Patrick: "I'm very concerned about the needs of genderqueer youth. Often these young people are in danger of not surviving. They are in desperate need of more social services and better outreach. Unfortunately, the gay community winds up doing the little that is done in this area, yet many of these kids do not identify as gay, or have been exploited by gay adults. I think the abuse of children and teenager is one of the largest crises in our society. The things that parents, teachers, and peers are allowed to do to kids who are perceived as being gay or transgendered are literally criminal."

Sadie: For many, a 24/7 BDSM or D/S relationship is a treasured fantasy, and yet you write that "there's so much fear and even rage when anyone questions whether this "ideal" is actually attainable or practical in real life." Why do you think this fantasy is held up so in our community?

Patrick: "There are a lot of reasons that I speculate might lead to this. For one thing, it's a popular theme in pornography, and a lot of us base our idea of what an S/M relationship ought to be like on our favorite sexual fantasies or erotic writing. If you're into BDSM, you might be the sort of person who is drawn to extremes, and this is one form of ‘going all the way.’ It's appealing because it's about being completely helpless and yet taken care of, so in a way it's a chance to re-enact childhood, but this time with a person who won't let you down the way mommy and daddy did. (But of course they do, and that's where the rage comes from.)

"But let's also acknowledge that it's a fantasy because that is in fact something that many people want. This is how they want their sex and their relationships to happen, and they feel a very strong inclination or calling to it. In that case, it's as difficult to explain as any other specific sexual desire. People want what they want because they want it. And whether it's a good idea or not, whether it's likely to happen or not, is irrelevant. There's no point in trying to have a sexual experience that you DON'T want."

Sadie: You wrote, "I believe that most, if not all, full-time S/M relationships are doomed to failure." That's a pretty dramatic statement. What do you base this on? Would you describe your past relationship with Matt as a full time S/M relationship? Do you think that our relationships would be more successful if the BDSM lifestyle as a whole were accepted on a greater level?

Patrick: "It's a dramatic statement because I tend to be a rather dramatic kind of person. I base it on my own experience and my observations. But I don't just think this about S/M relationships. I think it about relationships in general. I see very few long-term relationships, kinky or vanilla, that I'd want to be in. My relationship with Matt is over, but even when we were lovers, we did not have full-time S/M relationship. Social acceptance would make some parts of S/M easier and some more difficult. It would perhaps be easier to wear your collar to work, but it might be a lot harder to feel that it was something special and forbidden. I guess I believe that we can't do any better in our relationships with others than we've done in our relationship with ourselves. And how many of us can honestly say that we have a healthy relationship with our Self?

Patrick: "By engaging in a stigmatized act, a person who does S/M has taken a great risk. Their level of trust has probably been higher than someone who merely agrees to engage in heterosexual vanilla intercourse. If expectations are higher, if you feel you've invested more in somebody, of course you are going to be even more angry if they leave you or you have to leave them than you would be in a situation where your passions were not so fully engaged. People expose more of themselves in a BDSM relationship, so when a partner walks away, they take away secrets that make us feel more vulnerable. They have seen us in situations in which we've exposed parts of ourselves that do not come out in vanilla sex and relationships. So the level of betrayal and the likelihood that we'll feel unpleasantly humiliated are higher.

"As a therapist I think the first thing I can do for a client who is ending a BDSM relationship is to just sit with them through all of the phases of enduring that much loss. I can validate the intensity of their feelings (while hopefully supporting them in not acting on them in ways that would damage themselves or other people). We can grieve together. And eventually some spark of interest in life and love returns, for which for which people can be grateful, and add up the good things as well as the bad, and take stock of what was learned that will be helpful the next time around. Above all, I don't make a client wrong for what he or she wanted, or shame them for not being able to make a relationship work. Because I understand the difference between damaging interactions between BDSM partners and something that just looks scary, I can help my clients to accurately assess whether they are doing the right thing by being in a relationship, or if they need to separate. And I can also help clients in couples counseling because I'm not freaked out by the content of the relationship, I think BDSM play is a great way to get and stay close, I can teach people how to negotiate better, I can help them to see their differences as an asset rather than a problem, and I understand their terminology or language.

"There are beginning to be more and more non-BDSM people who are counselors who do some good work with members of our community. But I think the work just goes easier and faster most of the time if your therapist has first-hand knowledge of what you are talking about. It's easier to consolidate a therapeutic relationship with someone if you know you can trust them, and you don't have to waste several sessions making small revelations about yourself to test out their response."

Patrick: "Please bear in mind that I am not speaking pejoratively of the on-line BDSM community. I am talking about a very specific type of person here, someone who is arrogant enough to assume that having a conversation (or many conversations) about BDSM is equivalent to the physical experience of topping a warm breathing human body, or undergoing certain emotional and physical ordeals. I find that dangerous, and I think anybody who has any common sense would. It's great to be able to top people via the keyboard and monitor. I think dirty talk is an important social skill. But telling somebody when to masturbate or stop, or what toy to use on themselves, is not the same thing as taking charge of a person in the flesh, in person.

"If you've made a hot sexual connection with someone on-line, there's no reason not to enjoy it. But I don't think people should automatically assume that this means they are going to have a great relationship with that person. I've had friends who met their lovers on-line who have had wonderful experiences, and I've also had friends who were lied to or endangered by such acquaintances when they met them. It's no different than answering a sex ad, really. You need to be cautious about how much you tell that person, how you meet them, and how much you trust them until they have demonstrated that it's safe to be more intimate.

This goes back to what I said earlier about allowing oneself to enjoy the courtship phase of a relationship, to slow things down so you are not rushing to live together, buy a car together, meet one another's biological families, etc. Sexual need can be a great deceiver. Make sure your potential on-line lovebug is an honest, reliable, experienced, safe, fun, caring person before you move in to their spare bedroom.

"I sometimes think we'd all do better in relationships if we let our friends arrange our partnerships. My friends are a lot better than I am at telling when the person I'm head-over-heels in love with is a scoundrel."

Sadie: You have been progressively more and more physically disabled in the last five years, which you have said makes it "hard to keep a sense of joy about my body." How has this experience changed your approach to the BDSM experience?

Patrick: "Fibromyalgia, if that's what I have, just bites the big green onion. Chronic pain makes it hard to sleep or move around, but of course if you lapse into slug-like torpor, you just stiffen up and hurt even more. In order to keep my strength and mobility I have to keep moving, and it doesn't feel very good at all. When I have adequate pain control I can have a pretty decent quality of life. But some of the medications also give me brain fuzz, so I forget how to spell words or can't figure out which can of peaches is cheaper than the other. Being in pain is also just tiring. And I worry about the effect that my disability has on a partner. I think it's hard to be around somebody who hurts all the time. I get cross and depressed. Especially at night. And I forget things, and I can be self-centered because I feel sorry for myself.

"So it has a negative impact on my self-image, and when I feel less attractive, I'm less likely to reach out to others and be flirtatious or seductive. I don't have the energy that I did once, so I can't do marathon scenes. I have to respect my own physical limits, or I pay for it for days and days. But I know that when I can connect sexually it actually lowers my pain level and eases my depression. So while it becomes harder to play it also becomes more important.

"What it hasn't done is make me asexual. I just refuse to go that route, to become some kind of smooth-crotched Barbie doll of a perfect angelic cripple. I'd rather put needles in my eyes. I'm a middle-aged, fat, hairy, dirty-minded old trannyman who loves girls and boys in miniskirts or leather, I love to tie people up, whip them, fist them, say terrible things to them, make them cry and then kiss them and make it all better. I'm cranky, but I'm also capable of a lot of patience and finesse. I've been doing this for so long and have learned so much about it that it literally hurts me emotionally to have my skills go un-used. It also makes me sad to think there are probably some heavy masochists out there who have yet to experience my not-at-all-tender mercies. Such people are just a gift from the goddess, there are very few of them, and they really do deserve to be kept black and blue perpetually. Alas, and lack-a-day.

"Despite being a writer and all that other horsefeathers, I'm not hard to get. If you have a specific act that you'd like to experience and you ask me nicely, I'm more than likely to say yes and get out my PDA. So don't be scared, just tell Santa what you want for Solstice.

"I am especially interested in mentoring tops who are just starting out. I'd like to have a couple of tops in training in my life, so we could find some bottoms who are willing to be classroom demonstration models and go through the whole thing, step by step. Doesn't that sound like fun? It would also be nice to have somebody in my life who would drop by every other Saturday to get fisted up the ass for an hour or so. I think of it as yoga, don't you?"

Sadie: Is there anything else you'd like to share with our readers?

Patrick: "My God, if anybody had the patience to read through all of this stuff, I'm impressed. I guess I just want to say thanks. I'm so grateful to the people who continue to discover the scene and bring their curiosity, responsiveness, and creativity to it. When I started doing this, I didn't know anybody else who was into it. Now there's no way that I could meet every single person in the community, even if I lined them all up and went down it shaking hands at a rate of one person every three minutes, because there would always be a bunch of new people at the end of the line. You have no idea how much that thrills me. It means that it was worth it, every single time I got called terrible names or kicked out of some organization or had some other bad thing happen. ACTIVISM WORKS. Community building works. And what could be more fun than being part of a community in which grass-roots organizing can take place around a padded leather horse or a sling?

"I also just want to say that I owe everything that I am or ever will be to my cats. Unlike people, they are perfect, and I bow down before their beauty and utter lack of morality. Hecate the Talking Tarty Tortie says I should tell everyone that she is the Most Beautiful. So there you have it. That's the last word."

"Kiss and Tell," an advice column in Girlfriends magazine

"On the Ropes," a column in Bound and Gagged

"The Sexpert," a column in POZ

"Politically Erect," a column on www.goodvibes.com, beginning January 2003

BOOKS IN PRINT

* SAPPHISTRY: THE BOOK OF LESBIAN SEXUALITY, Naiad Press, 1980 (revised editions, 1983 and 1988). German edition, SAPPHISTRIE, sub rosa Frauenverlag, 1981, trans. by Alexandra Bartoczko. There is also an unauthorized Japanese translation. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

* THE LESBIAN S/M SAFETY MANUAL, edited by Pat Califia, Lace Publications, 1988. Reissued by Alyson Publications under the Lace imprint, 1990. German edition, ikoo Buchverlag, 1991.

* MACHO SLUTS, Boston: Alyson Publications, 1988. Dutch edition forthcoming. Second edition from Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1996.

* DOC AND FLUFF, Boston: Alyson Publications, 1990. Second edition from Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1996, with an introduction by the author, Welcome to Dystopia. THIS BOOKS IS OUT OF PRINT.

* THE ADVOCATE ADVISER, Alyson Publications, 1991. Translated into German and published as DAS SCHWULEN 1X1: TIPS UND TRICKS FÜR ALLE LEBENSLAGEN, Berlin: Bruno Gmünder Verlag, 1994. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

* THE SEXPERT, Masquerade Books, 1992. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

* SENSUOUS MAGIC, Masquerade Books, 1993 (in press). Spanish edition: LOS SECRETOS DEL SADOMASOQUISMO (trans. Martinez Roca), Prologo de Luis Vigil, Ediciones Martinez Roca, SA, 1994, Barcelona, Spain. German edition: SINNLICHE MAGIE: EIN LEITFADEN FÜR ABENTEUERLUSTIGE PAARE, ikoo Buchverlag, 1996. Available in a second edition, revised and expanded, from Cleis Press.

* MELTING POINT, Boston: Alyson Publications, 1993. Second edition from Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1996, with an afterword by the author, Afterglow. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

* PUBLIC SEX: THE CULTURE OF RADICAL SEX, Pittsburgh and San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994. Second edition available now.

* DOING IT FOR DADDY (ed.), Boston: Alyson Publications, 1994. Introduction excerpted in Drummer 179, December 1994, as "The Zen of Daddy."

* THE SECOND COMING (ed. with Robin Sweeney), Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1996. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

* DIESEL FUEL: PASSIONATE POETRY, New York: A Richard Kasak Book, 1997. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

* SEX CHANGES: THE POLITICS OF TRANSGENDERISM, Pittsburgh and San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1997.

* BITCH GODDESS: THE SPIRITUAL PATH OF THE DOMINANT WOMAN (ed., with Drew Kelly Campbell), San Francisco: Greenery Press, 1998. THIS BOOK IS OUT OF PRINT.

NO MERCY, erotic fiction from Alyson Publications, 2000.

SPEAKING SEX TO POWER, essays from Cleis Press, hot off the presses, 2002.

FORTHCOMING:

HARD MEN: Twisted Gay Smut, Alyson Publications, 2003.

I'm also working on a vampire novel, MORTAL COMPANION; a pagan adventure, THE CIRCLE OF LIFE; and THE CODE, a novel about an S/M relationship between an FTM and an old-guard leatherman, which takes place in the 1970s.

** please visit Patrick's website for the amazingly long list of his books, articles, interviews, poetry and more. http://www.patcalifia.com/

Please click on the thumbnails to see more photos
Please do not download these photographs. They are copyrighted.

Patrick's Book Bitch Goddess

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn , Vermont 's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com  or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications