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Please click the thumbnails for more
photos of MS Demmie
http://www.msdemmie.com/
demeter@dircon.co.uk
SENSUOUS SADIE: Your Dungeon is
situated in the
North
Devon
coast of
England. The
pictures look more like a bed and breakfast than a dungeon, quite
beautiful! What gave you the idea to start your own dungeon?
MSDEMMIE: “Several factors: firstly my partner and I were in a long
distance relationship, which meant a lot of traveling and a lot of hotel
bills. Secondly I had this rather ancient ground floor flat, which was
going to be empty after the existing tenancy had ended. The original
idea was to create ourselves a playroom so we always had somewhere to
play. We then started looking at out options, asked ourselves a lot of
questions, yes we would like to use it for parties, yes we would like
friends to be able to use. The Edge was born. Once it all started to
take shape we soon realized that we also had what we feel is now a
valuable community resource.”
Sadie: Your dungeon and playroom
is a fully equipped Roissy Dungeon. Can you explain what makes a Roissy
dungeon unique?
MsDemmie: “I would have to say that it is Roissy themselves that make
it unique. They designed and made the dungeon to order. They were given
the room and told I must have a wheel, a bed and a birdcage. The initial
reason I selected Roissy was because I had hired their traveling road
show dungeon, and had seen how the kit had withstood a couple thousand
miles on the road, and being repeatedly taken up and down after events.
It’s robust! Value for money and an excellent after sales package came
along with the design and engineering expertise. I also have a passion
for wood. I feel the wood brings warmth and character all of its own. We
wanted something warm, atmospheric and essentially non-threatening –
there are far to many misconceptions about ‘Dungeons’ and far too
many associations with non-consensual torture fuelled mainly by the
press to an uniformed public. The use of lights, music and temperature
control can provide almost any ‘space’ you require, from the sensual
and erotic to the prisoner in the cell. (You have to miss out the
flagstones and rusty chains).”
More on Roissy: http://www.roissyworkshops.co.uk/home.php
Sadie: What do you think are the
major differences between the American and British BDSM scenes? Do you
find that the players are pretty much the same, or do the different
cultures encourage interests in particular areas?
MsDemmie: “I have limited experience of the scene in the
USA
,
in spite of the fact that I have long
standing relationships with some wonderful people over there. The size
of the
USA
and its population groupings mean it has a
distinct advantage in some ways. Most of the major cities have
facilities clubs and groups to cater for each alternative sexual genre
in its own right – because they have the numbers to support them. It
the UK it is far more common for clubs to share space with others i.e.
fetish and BDSM clubs combined, BDSM clubs alternating with swingers at
the same club. The good news is that one of the major
London
clubs in now holding special nights for
BDSMers specifically which I understand is being well received.
“Another thing I admire about the
USA
scene is the culture of learning and sharing,
the workshops fairs and retreats. I am a traditionalist. I like the idea
of people having a mentor and someone to show them the ropes.
“I also like the cross over that I have seen between the
gay/bi/lesbian communities and the BDSM community in the
USA
.
The
UK
has a long way to go in that department.”
Sadie: You received the Erotic
Oscar for Innovation (2001) award, made by The Sexual Freedom Coalition
at the Annual Sex Maniacs Ball. Can you tell me a little bit about this?
MsDemmie: “The Sexual Freedom Coalition organizes the sex maniac’s
ball each year to raise funds for the Outsiders trust, and to celebrate
our diverse and wonderful sexuality. They also campaign for sexual
freedoms. They are currently working on the new Sexual Offences Bill,
which is currently being discussed by the
UK
government.
”The Sex Maniacs Ball is an annual event held both to celebrate
sexuality, but also to recognize those who have worked in that field,
from individuals like myself, to large commercial efforts and companies.
People who go the extra mile, especially those that offer additional
services to include those less able, or who offer something new, and
those who put something back into the community. One of last year’s
winners has a site that provides
a voice tape update service for those that are blind or who have
difficulty reading or accessing the web. The event itself is huge by
UK
standards. It is a festival of sexuality and
expression. Its worth going to see the costumes- let alone the erotic
dancers and cabaret acts.
“Our award was not only for having the dungeon and playroom (with on
site baby sitting when required), but also for offering the courses and
workshops we run for newcomers, and being wheel chair friendly.”
More about The Sexual Freedom Coalition here: http://www.sfc.org.uk/about.htm
Sadie:
You teach a popular BDSM for Novices class. What are the most common
fears and misconceptions that you have to correct?
MsDemmie: “Fears about being seen as kinky, coming out and accepting
yourself. A lot of people feel guilt and shame. A lot of people need to
know that they are normal, we are normal and that we are not monsters as
often-portrayed in parts of the media. For some this is the first time
they will have talked to anyone outside their relationship about their
sexuality.
“The greatest misconception we have to deal with is the fantasy
reality gap. This happens when people have been fantasizing and are
basing their real life needs and expectations on those fantasies. This
causes problems when they start to interact on-line and when they are
looking to meet others. In their minds they can be a Demon Master or a
masochistic pain slut, in reality they are new, and have get off line
when their wife tells them to, and have never been spanked, let alone
whipped or caned.
“The other issue that comes up a lot, is why do we need to be educated
in the first place? To the Dominants I say knowledge is power, to the
subs I say wouldn’t you like to be able to take another hundred of the
cane and still come out smiling? There is definitely an art and a
science to BDSM and it is like any other craft or hobby that you can
choose to undertake in that there is a lot to learn to get the best from
it. Imagine going rock climbing without knowing and trusting the person
you are with, without knowing you could trust them, without reading
about it, without leaning the ropes, without talking to others. I use
climbing as an example because it is a sport that develops a trust/
buddy system, which has parallels to the Dom/sub relationship. I could
have used scuba diving as another example. Having said that the same
applies to many other sports and hobbies- very few people jump in
without any reading/learning or meeting and discussion.
“I feel that by providing non-judgmental information and education, by
making this available it helps keep people safe. Many are often
unprepared for the emotional and physical affects of BDSM play. Many
don’t know how to use (or take) a cane (yes they are a favourite of
mine); many are unprepared for sub drop after a scene (just like any
other high you eventually come down, more often than not with a bump).
“We aim to develop a person’s sense of self worth, acceptance of
their own sexuality and a sense of responsibility.”
Sadie: In addition to classes,
you offer a variety of counseling options. What are the special issues
that scene people face?
MsDemmie: “The most common issue is that although there are an
increasing number of sexual well-being clinics and centers that are kink
aware, to find a kink friendly professional is still very hard in this
country. To my knowledge we are the only people offering this service in
the
UK
.
We are increasingly being asked to work
alongside the more traditional counselors to provide BDSM help and
advice. The main issue is getting a fair hearing, and not being worried
that their sexual kink is going to be focused upon as the cause of their
problem and one that has to be cured rather than other issues which they
might have.
“The area, which is often the most problematic, is when one partner is
kinky and the other is not, and they find out, or they are told (for
whatever reason). We do a lot of work helping people accept themselves,
and their partners, dealing with partner’s fears, and hopefully
gaining understanding and enabling that couple to move on.
“The other main areas where problems occur, is the taking of a BDSM
relationship into 24/7, where a couple decide to live together. How much
of their total relationship should be inside the BDSM rules and
structure, how will this affect work, and visa –versa, dealing with
family issues. Many people forget to re-negotiate their rules to take
onto account changed circumstances. Yes real life does and will
interrupt! Real life often means compromise.
“We also deal with ‘blocks’ both in a practical sense as well as a
relationship sense. We often just facilitate between the couple after
observing their behavior.
“Matters beyond our experience and requiring traditional counseling or
therapy are referred to appropriate professionals.”
Sadie: You have a joint venture
with Sensual Edge Promotions (SEP). Can you tell me about this?
MsDemmie: “It is a means of spreading the word, a way of providing
education and knowledge to those who want to learn new skills, to learn
together in a group situation, to share experiences with their peers.
It’s a great opportunity to bring in people from other countries, who
are highly respected and to share their knowledge and lifestyle.
“I have limited space available here and the SEP framework allows us
to talk to a wider audience using speakers with a wider knowledge
base.”
“Sadie: What is the legal
situation around having a BDSM dungeon in your area? For example, I have
interviewed Decima who owns Fetish Fashion dungeon in
Hong
Kong
. She
recently won a court case regarding a raid on her dungeon. Have you had
any problems like this?
“MsDemmie: “The current
situation is that I have a room for rental that has specialized fantasy
equipment. The local police are aware of what I have here, after being
approached by myself. I do not hold any open to the public events (i.e.
turn up and pay at the door). All events are by guest list only and are
considered private. Our client’s confidentiality is respected at all
times. Should they wish to share their experiences, they are free to do
so, providing they respect those of fellow guests – no names
mentioned!
“I have been very lucky so far, and have had no problems like those
encountered by Decima, or by others in the
UK
scene. This is probably because we run
smaller scale events, our location means we have no neighbors to upset
and we are very discrete about our behavior and our guest’s
behavior.”
Sadie: How long have you been
involved in the BDSM scene? Please tell me a little bit about your
background and experience.
MsDemmie: “It must be getting on for about ten years now, with my
active participation in the scene being about eight years.
”My first experience was getting spanked, which I found quite
pleasurable but not mind blowing. Then of course I found the internet,
and then I found the chat rooms, and I then discovered that I could do
the spanking rather than be spanked, this was more like it. Once I got
on line, I was very lucky with the people I met and the people who I
associated with. I had an excellent support group who were all willing
and able to share their talents and hold my hand along the way. I have
had several mentors along the way, to them all I say thank you for your
love, help and support. Needless to say it took me several goes to get
it right, and to find what I wanted. To those I left wanting for
whatever reason, my apologies. I was very lucky to be able to travel in
those days, and visited Hellfire in
New York
and Passion in
Amsterdam
.
What I saw on those occasions fuelled years
of explorations and discovery.
“Most of my experiences have come whilst exploring with my partner. We
both have a desire to understand ourselves and explore ourselves. We are
also passionate about sharing those experiences. We approached BDSM from
totally different angles and the mix has been intoxicating. I was/am
very safety minded and very aware of the duty of care I should show a
submissive. He came from an almost non-consensual background where his
submission came about through endurance of pain. He allowed the
consensual sadist in me to come out. We are still exploring, learning
and having fun!
Sadie: How would you describe
your orientation as it pertains to the BDSM lifestyle? Are you Dominant,
Submissive, Switch?
MsDemmie: “Dominant consensual sadist.”
Sadie: Do you take a spiritual
approach to your play? In what way?
MsDemmie: “I would love to say define spiritual!
“I think my answer would be yes as it certainly affects both our
spirits and our souls.”
”On a practical level we have certain rituals of behavior that
continually reinforce our way of life. We also have different types of
play that can be cathartic, and some that are almost sacred. Most of our
serious play is very focused, very prepared for, which in itself becomes
a ritual, which then helps both of us into our head space quicker. We do
achieve what could be described as an alternative level of consciousness
where both of us are very focused, very attuned to each other and we are
both ‘flying.’ We both feel empowered; we both have to come down (to
earth). The tools that we use, a certain bench, a certain cane, or
needles each carry a remembrance of previous times, and of the space,
which was created then.
”This empowerment stays with us when we are out of play space, we feel
good, and we are more considerate to those around us, happiness
confidence and well-being are contagious.
“I believe that the depth/level of a loving relationship rooted in
BDSM can be deeper/ higher than most achieve without. The fullness and
openness of communication that can be developed alongside deepening
trust enhance
personal relationships enormously. I believe BDSM adds extra facets and
dimensions to a loving relationship, like seeing and feeling a rainbow
of colour rather than black and white – and yes the sex is great!
“In a wider sense I do tend to preach a message of safe sane
consensual fun, whether that fun is for twenty minutes or a lifetime.”
Sadie: Do you have any particular
areas of education or specialization that you would like to educate our
readers about?
MsDemmie: “Look, listen learn, explore, do not be afraid of asking
questions, be safe and have fun. If it stops being fun Stop!
Sadie: Thank you very much!
MsDemmie: “Thank you for giving me this opportunity.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's
Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn,
Vermont
's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as
requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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