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Wax Drop
Email: kk@bdsmlife.net
Personal Web Pages: http://bdsmlife.net/dsworld/kk/
SADIE: In addition to being co-producers of DS World,
you are also a couple living in the United Kingdom. I understand that
your focus is on the D/s part of the BDSM orientation. Would you agree
with this? How would you describe your approach?
KEVIN & KATHAYA: "Over time our style has changed slightly. We
started out focusing on the D/s aspect, but with education and
experience we have found that we actually enjoy and practice many other
aspects as well. The realm of S/M has captured our imagination and
gradually become a primary aspect of our lifestyle. There are also the
areas of deprivation, spirituality and sensuality that we have added as
well. Candles, incense, mood lighting, scene music, clothing, furniture,
and visuals now enhance our scenes in ways we never imagined
before."
Sadie: You both play with a number of other partners, including a live
in sissy maid. What are some of the boundaries you have constructed so
as to keep your own relationship primary?
Kevin & Kathaya: "Yes we do play with a number of other people,
but not as many as you may think J as we are very choosy. Our sissy maid
does not actually live in as such, he spends approximately 10 days a
month in our home serving and taking care of our needs.
"For some time now we have had a number of submissives we play
with, both male and female, and we still see or chat to some of them. As
we all grow and expand our knowledge and experiences, dom and sub alike,
we found that expectations change so subs do tend to come and go. We
still consider new submissives but only if they are an exceptional match
to what we are looking for or we feel they would benefit from some time
with us
"We have both had some very bad experiences in our years in the
lifestyle (before we were together). One of our aims with either the
dominants or submissives we play with is to mentor them and educate them
so they don’t get into these dangerous situations or if they are a
dominant they understand how to do different activities in a safe and
consensual manner. When we mentor dominants one of us assumes a bottom
role and the other tops alongside the dominant showing and teaching,
then we switch over so they get to see two different styles and can
develop their own style from watching and interacting with us both
"So many novice dominants have a fantasy idea in their heads that
until you explain the dangers in some of these thoughts to them don’t
realize the safety considerations. With mentoring we get a great deal of
satisfaction and also learn new styles and techniques along the way so
we all gain from this experience
"In the last year we realized that there were more frequent times
when we both needed to be in a submissive role at the same time. In some
ways this was going back to ideas of the triad relationship we lived
together some years ago, which failed. We have begun searching for a
dominant partner for us both; this is much more than just a dominant to
play with (they are far too easy to find). In this search we have met a
number of people but so far not the right person for us, but we knew
this would be a long search
"As for the boundaries we have put in place. We are fortunate that
we both love to watch the other interact with someone else in either a
dominant or submissive role, we get the same high and turn on as if we
were playing with them alone. We have a few simple rules:
We never play alone, we are always both in the room when we play with
someone else, usually both of us involved in the action or at the very
least taking pleasure from watching the other
The levels of intimacy involved have already been discussed and agreed
between us
We play with consensual-non-consent when with others. That is to say
Kathaya as the bottom does not have to worry about her limits and where
the play will go, Kevin knows her inside out, understands her limits and
what she is willing and capable of and he decides what will happen, when
it will happen and how far it will go. The same applies when Kevin
bottoms. This leaves the bottom to relax and enjoy the play and the
other of us to still be in control even if they are not the one wielding
the flogger
Sadie: You are both switches. What are the special things that this
brings to your relationship, as well as challenges? For example I also
switch with my partner Griffin, and we had a challenge during one scene
when I was Dominant and wanted to orgasm, even though I was under
ongoing orders not to do so as a Submissive. It made for some
interesting discussion on which relationship was dominant (so to speak.)
Kevin & Kathaya: "Switches don’t have life easy as you know
yourself Sadie. Its not that we are greedy to be both dominant and
submissive, it’s just who we are. We are fortunate that there are few
occasions when we don’t easily fall into the right role with each
other and we rarely have power challenges such as yours. This was a
conscious decision we made at the beginning of our relationship. When
Kathaya is in dominant role she does not have any constraints left from
playing as a submissive. The roles may change again soon after but for
the length of play she is free to do what she wants and to take Kevin on
the journey she has planned.
"One of the biggest challenges that we face is acceptance within
the BDSM community. Unfortunately, in many areas the term ‘Switch’
is still a dirty word. We continue to be faced with ignorance,
separatism, and outright non-acceptance. We have heard all the arguments
and came up with the following standard answers:
We DO know what we are and what we want, we are NOT confused
We can’t choose one because both roles are inside us, we want and need
them equally without exception
Yes, life for us would certainly be easier if we could be either
submissive or dominant, we would only have to deal with half the
emotions and needs, play would be so much simpler
No, damn it, we are not just greedy! See #2
We don’t switch in the middle of a scene so no, you don’t have to
worry about it happening with you.
No, being a switch does not mean we ‘just haven’t met the right dom
yet.’ See the ‘Been there, done that’ T-shirt hanging on the
closet door.
"We are switches. We are happy with both sides of ourselves and
confident that what we contribute back to the community by being open
about our perspective is of value and merit."
Sadie: You both have extensive interests in a wide variety of BDSM
play. How has your play changed over time?
Kevin & Kathaya: "Over time we have certainly expanded our
areas of play, we have each shown the other new styles and ideas for
play. We have together expanded some of our areas of interest. We are
now more than ever into some forms of edge play such as knife play,
cutting, breath play etc.
"When we got together Kathaya brought her amazing collection of
floggers with her, ranging from soft massage to ‘oh fuck that hurts!’
Floggers now play a major part in our play along with other areas of
CP/discipline which we have always been interested in. The toy
collection has outgrown it’s storage capacity several times over the
years, a veritable money pit as well!!
"By talking together, and we talk a lot about every subject you can
imagine, we have analyzed areas that were in the past hard limits for us
and looked at why they may be a hard limit. Often this was because of
pre-determined ideas about the activity and together we have tried
different variations of them. A good example of this is breathe-play;
both of us had this as a hard limit in the early days together. But from
experimenting together and trying something (actually on the spur of the
moment) we have found that this is a major turn on for us both. It may
not be what many would see as breath play but it works for us
"We have a rule together that we are open to discuss any activity,
no matter how taboo or embarrassing it may be. It may never happen, we
may change our thoughts on it after discussing it but there is never any
ridicule from the other for raising the topic. We don’t think any less
of each other because we raised some topic that is considered taboo or
edgy, in fact we have grown closer from these discussions. Acceptance,
understanding, and an openness to contemplate the bizarre has become a
vital haven within our relationship."
Sadie: Would you say that you take a spiritual approach to your play?
If so, how?
Kevin & Kathaya: "If through our play we become centered and
accept who we are within ourselves then yes, our approach would be
considered spiritual. It’s a long difficult journey, full of tears and
recriminations such as ‘Oh god, how could I get turned on by that
taboo activity? Am I a sick pervert or what? Society says I’m not
supposed to want or enjoy inflicting pleasure/pain on him or receiving
the same from him so what is wrong with me?’ There are many more and
some days they continue to crop up, even after all our years of
learning. The time it takes to go thru the process of becoming the
mental and emotional dom or sub that is within you is individual,
quicker for the fortunate people, slower for the rest of us. In the end
though, it’s worth it. We know that there will come a day when you
will stand in front of a mirror and can honestly say to yourself: ‘I
am beautiful/handsome. I am thrilled with what I have become, a healthy,
happy, confident dom/sub. My skills, talents, self-knowledge and
self-control are valuable and I am desirable for them. I like who and
what I am.’ Once we reach that centered place of self-acceptance then
the world of BDSM and all that it entails becomes a brand new
playground."
Sadie: You include in your preferences a joy in fruits and veggies.
Which are your favorites, and do you sauté them afterward for dinner?
(I like summer squash, which is also very good fried a la tempura)
Kevin & Kathaya: "This is going to read like a shopping list!
Some of our favorites for food play are: canned fruits, yogurt, honey,
chocolate sauce, ice cream, frozen grapes, frozen candy bars,
cantaloupe, cucumber, caramel sauce, steak sauce, mustard, pickles,
meringue, cream pies, most other kinds of pie, whipped cream, ketchup,
mayo, carrots, hot dogs, sausages, gravy, peaches, apricots, cherries,
pineapple, milk, cola, juice, plums, etc, etc, etc…
"The list could go on and on but basically anything and everything
that we like the taste of can be used in our play. There are some
problem areas to watch out for though. Be careful of what goes into the
vagina or the urethra of the penis. If it is too acidic it will feel
like being burned. If it’s frozen, don’t leave it in one place too
long as frostbite can happen quicker than you think. If it’s spicy, it
will probably feel like you are being burned again, choose wisely. The
last thing you want after a fun food play session is a trip to the
doctor and having to explain how it happened!
"Another problem with food play is environment. Chocolate sauce
does not wash out of a sofa cushion and carpets are just not fruit or
vegetable juices tolerant. Wooden furniture washes easily but the higher
acidic ingredients leave those horrible white marks that may not fade
away, like those that wet glasses can leave on a coffee table. Funnily
enough, none of those furnishings are wax play friendly either. We
invested in a king sized PVC sheet and solved both of those issues!
Sadie: You write that, "Domestic service from a submissive is
very important to us." How do you choose and train domestic
submissives?
Kevin & Kathaya: "Domestic service is very important to us, we
lead busy lives and it is not always easy to find the time to play
especially when you consider our sessions typically last between four
and six hours. Choosing domestic submissives is not too hard, first we
reject those who focus purely on the sexual element of play or who say
‘I will do domestic chores if told to or forced.’ We look for a
submissive we can talk to easily, have a lot in common with, someone who
actually wants to serve domestically and takes pride in doing so without
micromanagement. One who we feel we can work with for extensive lengths
of time and we can teach to do things our way
"We are very fortunate that our sissy slut turned out to be a great
domestic submissive, he has set chores he will do every time he is here,
most of the time he knows how we like things done. He can help us make
the time available to dedicate to him in play by making our lives easier
Sadie: You write that, "Please DONT send us a picture of your
cock, we have seen too many." It’s certainly true that many men
feel that their cock represents them. Why do you think that this is so
common? Do you automatically refuse to consider men with such limited
visions?
Kevin & Kathaya: "We don’t refuse to consider someone
with such limited visions but it certainly does not impress us. Usually
the photographs of their cock are taken from an obscure angle making it
look bigger than it really is. Perhaps this is done to impress
themselves, but unfortunately for them it doesn’t do a thing for us.
Here is something to ponder. Why is it that 99% of the genital images
sent to us are from men? A pussy is just as gorgeous but perhaps we, as
women, think that that part of our anatomy is a little more special and
kept to share with that certain someone? Is it that we are more secure
in ourselves than to think that one bit of flesh represents who we are
or are we less secure within ourselves and hide from it? Are we just
incurable romantics? Food for thought, eh.
"Their most important asset as far as we are concerned is their
brain. How they think, feel, and express themselves carries far more
weight than the size, shape, texture, sensation, prowess, or any other
physical description offered of their cock. Yes we do have an interest
in their cock or pussy because we have certain preferences, we prefer
cut men and we like our partners shaved. However, there are far more
important things to consider first:
Can we communicate and interact with each other easily
If they wish to be mentored, will they be able to learn from us
Are we compatible with each other outside of play
Will we be able to tolerate each others habits and eccentricities
Are our interests and goals compatible
Are our limits compatible
Would we be able to hold a comfortable conversation with this potential
play partner over a cup of coffee afterwards
"Once we find out all of that information about each other, then
the physical attributes and attraction for each other come into
play."
Sadie: You write in your directions for novice submissives that,
"Sub will do exactly as told quickly and with cheerful pride.
Churlishness, poor service or disrespect will not be tolerated and is
grounds for immediate dismissal." What is your real experience with
training new submissives? Are most of them ready both mentally and
emotionally?
Kevin & Kathaya: "Many are not mentally or emotionally prepared
for what we have in store for them. A lot turn out to be what we term
‘do me queens’. These are the subs that will give us a laundry list
of things they want to happen to them and offer absolutely nothing in
return, that’s not how it works and they soon find that out!
"For those new to BDSM or those who have so far had limited
experience the mental and emotional challenges can be quite hard for
them to deal with. We spend a lot of time talking to them, giving them
reading or writing assignments to help them learn and prepare for the
challenges awaiting them.
"Once the sub has learned the basics of service then the
aforementioned directive comes into play. Accidents will happen no
matter how careful or experienced they may be and we do take this into
consideration with their training. We will correct them with an
appropriate punishment, discuss how the wrong happened and what needs to
be done to correct it then move on to more ‘interesting’ fun. If the
sub cannot or will not learn, then they receive their only warning to be
followed by dismissal if the behavior continues. The last thing either
of us will tolerate is rudeness, sloppiness with service or his/her
physical self, or intentional misbehavior. Life is far too short to put
up with negative people and their behaviors."
Sadie: One of your rules is that all
submissives who you play with must be bisexual. Why such a hard and fast
rule?
Kevin & Kathaya: "There is a very simple
reason for this rule. We play with them together, be they submissives or
dominants, they will have to interact with us both. For us BDSM play is
not sex with some BDSM, but BDSM play with some sexual intimacy. We have
tried in the past to play with strictly heterosexual or homosexual
submissives and dominants and we have found that the sessions are
stilted and there is a reluctance to interact with us both equally.
"Even though there may be no actual sexual intercourse involved, it
is how they will interact with us in the play that counts. For example,
if Kevin is topping Kathaya along with another male dominant and he
pulls back every time Kevin passes close to him this will cause
friction, make Kevin feel self-conscious and make Kathaya shift from
trying to give the dominants all they want from her as a bottom to what
she calls ‘protective bitch’ mode. We have seen this happen with
males and females as both submissives and dominants. Why would we want
to play with someone who may make one of us feel uncomfortable?
"So why would we want to limit our play sessions in this way? The
simple answer is that we are both bi-sexual and we find the company of
other bi-sexual people more fulfilling and fluid, creating an
open-minded atmosphere for some fantastic scenes with the end result of
everyone involved leaving with the feeling of being much happier and
proud of their part in what we shared.
"Another phenomena that we have found is that once a sub is on the
table, their sexuality makes no different to us. Male or female, it
doesn’t matter. They respond and beg for more of the pleasure/pain we
are inflicting upon them to the level they can physically handle. We’ve
found a few friends who discovered this of themselves as well yet remain
completely heterosexual. Is this because of the difference between D/s
and S/M and the different sexual connotations involved or is it the
result of people becoming more open-minded to the possibilities of play
without the sexual hang-ups? More to think about eh."
Sadie: You collect erotic art. Who are some of your favorite artists?
Kevin & Kathaya: "We have a very diverse collection of erotic
art, one of our favorite artists is Willi Kissmer, a German artist whose
work is becoming very collectable and now very expensive. We have quite
a few of his works and hope to purchase more in the future. We have been
lucky to meet and work with many artists and love the pieces we have by
the UK based sculptor, Len Gifford."
Sadie: You are co-editors of DS World, an online
BDSM publication. With so many BDSM publications out there, why another
one? What do you offer that is special?
Kevin & Kathaya: "When we started the D/s World E-Zine some
four and a half years ago there were several other online BDSM
publications, although most seemed to appear for a few issues and then
fold.
"We wrote for another E-Zine before creating D/s World. However, we
found our writings taken and posted by the owners of that publication in
inappropriate places and this caused many problems. Copyright protection
is a worldwide issue and we try out best to maintain the legal
standards.
"We then decided to create our own publication, with a better
layout, more writers and a better selection of articles and fiction.
There are still many new E-Zines being formed but few have lasted the
length of time D/s World has and we appear to have one of the largest
archives of content for an E-Zine. We must be doing something right, our
readership continues to improve and we were voted best of the net by
about.com 9 months after the launch of the E-Zine.
"What we offer that is special or different is the content itself.
Instead of just offering pages of sexual fantasies, fetishes, and BDSM
porn along with poetry, fiction, and the art gallery, we chose to use
this medium to also share information, learn from each other, and
educate, educate, educate. Yes, there is more information available on
the net than any one person can use. Unfortunately, a certain percentage
of it is inaccurate, unintelligible, or downright dangerous especially
for beginners with no clue where to start. We don’t consider our ways,
the writing team, better than any one else’s, but the articles with
suggestions, hints, even a few secrets here and there are all based on
the writers real life experience. As with anything on the net, you
should take what you read with a grain of salt after deciding for
yourself whether the author knew what he or she was doing in the first
place. Our goal and mission for the E-Zine was to provide a platform for
sharing the wealth of educated, informed, and safety conscious
experiences of our writers."
Sadie: One of the reasons I was impressed with your publication is
both the large number of writers and artists committed to write for you.
As a newsletter editor myself I know how hard it is to find good
writing. How do you do it?
Kevin & Kathaya: "We have been very fortunate with the writers
we have working with us. Since we have been running for so long we have
a good name amongst the community and a large readership base. Almost
all of the writers and artists have approached us, we approach very few
people offering them a column. Like all online resources we lose writers
occasionally but we have been fortunate that the number asking to write
for us has always exceeded the number leaving. Our aim has always been
to keep increasing the number of writers and the diverse range of
subjects they write about. Of course as you yourself know Sadie, it is
not easy and there are problems but we have a core team of writers who
work very hard to make sure they have a column for each issue
Sadie: Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Kevin & Kathaya: "We would like to just reiterate a couple of
important points
No matter what your level of experience is you can always learn new
things. Take the time to read, discuss with others and if you get the
chance watch others at play. The day we stop learning will be the day
they put the nails in our coffin
If you are a novice submissive or dominant don’t be afraid to say so.
The worst thing you can do is lie about your experience, your better to
tell the truth and look for someone to help you learn either through
training or mentoring
Every relationship needs open honest communication; in our experience
BDSM relationships need far deeper levels of communication to succeed.
Its not bad for a dominant to take time to talk to and understand their
submissive
If you’re wondering what this D/s World E-Zine is about, go take a
look
And finally if you want to learn more about us or to ask questions
please check out our personal web pages and feel free to email us
"Thank you for your interest in our lives Sadie
Sadie: Thank you for chatting with me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you enjoyed this interview, read more SCENEprofiles with BDSM
personalities on Sadie's website at www.sensuoussadie.com
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's
Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene.
Read an excerpt at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html.
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's
first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as
requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com
. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications
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