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Photo by David
Southwick Copyright 2003
I_Am_Flirticia@yahoo.com
www.roseandthorn.org
Note: Rose & Thorn is the BDSM group that Sadie
founded in 1999. Flirticia is the third director of the group.
SENSUOUS SADIE: You are the new Executive Director of Rose &
Thorn of Vermont. What have been the challenges, and the joys of this
position?
Flirticia: "Where to begin,. I've always enjoyed people. Being the
Director of VT Rose & Thorn just allows me a new avenue to explore,
meet, connect and serve 'people' (albeit kinkier ones than usual, )
Having led other groups in the past such as a snowmobile club, a
horseshoe club, two different 4-H groups, and for three years all of
Girl Scouts in my town, I'm not new to management of large groups.
(Don't laugh, in VT Horseshoes is considered an elite art!) Yes I'm a
native Vermonter, going back many generations in the same small town I
grew up in. My greatest joy is in educating, or providing a forum for
educational growth, vanilla or kinky.
"Rose and Thorn is a level II group that has a
primary goal of reaching out to people who seek to be
enlightened with regard to BDSM safety, etiquette and
technique. It is not a 'play' group. The other purpose of Rose &
Thorn is to foster the lifestyle by promoting connections of people both
within the group to one another, and with select external people/groups
via demos, joint events, etc. I truly enjoy bringing people that I find
fascinating together for the benefit of all.
"The challenges. The greatest challenge for me personally was
becoming savvy enough to protect Rose & Thorn from an information
leak. I leaned this at the expense of all, when a former housemate
attempted to solicit members of R&T via information kept in my
personal possession. Many of our members were shaken and rightfully so.
I was one of them. This person was a con artist, a pedophile, a thief.
(He is currently incarcerated) In the painful process of ascertaining
where this leak was coming from I learned about technical safeguards
like passwording files, programs, even access to the computer itself.
How to store sensitive information offline in a way that is safe
for all. Rose & Thorn shut down entirely to regroup, to check any
and all of our computers that had access to the group for viruses,
hacker signs, firewalls, virus prevention programs, etc. We tightened
security, and came up with new and more secure means to protect
everyone. It was a painful lesson.
"The benefit was in the fact that many
of us, learned how better to safeguard ourselves and our group, without
having actually been hacked into or infected with a virus. I was ready
at times to give up as my confidence failed. I had unintentionally
let down my group thru my own ignorance and trust. Yet, I found love and
support and understanding from the members of my own and those of other
groups of which I belong to, to hang tight. It was a painful, yet
growing process, which has served to strengthen the protection for all
at VT Rose & Thorn in the future."
Sadie: What do you feel are the characteristics that make you such an
effective leader? (Sadie says "thick skin!)
Flirticia: "Thick skin helps, but is not the be all and end all of
this one. If I am too thick skinned, than I lose the
ability to be sensitive and open-minded to the suggestions, constructive
criticisms and ideas of others. If I have no skin, then I'm going
to be hurt, insulted, upset, off balance etc when given the same
comments from others. It is a delicate balance. I do feel that my
Bachelors in Social Work and Psych Minor helps a great deal in
being a good intuitive read of people's intent, while not getting too
wrapped up in the personality issues that influence the presentation of
their ideas. That, and as stated before, I'm sure my experience in
running other groups has helped me to try to avoid some of the common
pitfalls of many new leaders. (i.e. not delegating or delegating too
much to others, not adhering to schedules, not being clear with
expectations and soliciting feedback, not remembering to offer praise
when merited)
Sadie: What is your background in the BDSM arena? Any special
interests?
Flirticia: "I have been involved with BDSM officially for four
years. In that little time, I've packed in a lifetime of experiences. I
consider myself a switch, but predominantly preferring to be submissive.
I consider it a 65% to 35% sub vs. Dom ratio, respectively. I've tried
almost everything there is to try, at least once, *grins*. Currently I'm
exploring re-lactation and pony play and am having a ball with
both! I've also been focusing more upon the needs of my
submissive, trying to be the best Domme that I can be. I currently
have no primary Dominant, but rather several play partners that I truly
enjoy, respect and share my time with utilizing Safe sex play
methods always. As a top, I'm well versed in CBT, using percussion toys
and giving good old fashioned hand spankings. As a bottom, I'm still
looking for the Dom that has it all.
Sadie: What is BDSM for you? Play? Spiritual connection? A way to
enhance love making?
Flirticia: "All of the above. As play it is stimulating and fun.
Yet I've had some wonderful spiritual connections with individuals I've
played with. Ultimately, it is most fully appreciated when
enhancing love making. If we aren't enjoying ourselves, why do we
do it? An example of a spiritual connection. A master was putting
clothes pins upon the breasts and genitals of his sub (whom I had never
met before). He invited me to join. She and I lay on a soft warm carpet
ear to ear, head to head, with our bodies extending in opposite
directions. The Master whom I'd known for years, proceeded to place the
clothespins simultaneously on us in the same respective places upon our
bodies. We trembled and moaned together. We felt each other's pain,
submission and ultimately pleasure in serving this Master. When the
Master theatrically whipped or yanked them off of us one at a time, from
the same places upon our bodies, we cried out together, held one
another's hand, shared one another's groans. It was a beautiful yet
exquisitely painful and joyful bonding for two women who had been as yet
unknown to one another. We both shared the love and trust of this
wonderful man. The waves of feeling that emanated from both of us washed
over us with amazing reverberations. A truly amazing scene!
Sadie: Your children are almost out of school. What are the
challenges you have found in raising children and keeping your private
life private? How much do you tell them?
Flirticia: "I have found that with vanilla or Lifestyle
subjects the best way to deal with the curiosity of a child, is to
answer all questions honestly, simply, and to only answer what is
asked. In other words don't add a whole lot of additional
information that would overwhelm them. Do it at a time when you have
your thoughts sorted. Use a simple, 'I'd love to discuss the answers
with you but can we make a date for after dinner at 7pm just the two of
us?' This usually allows the child immediate acknowledgement, and avoids
an off the cuff, spur of the moment answer. This gives the parent
time to try to anticipate the goals
and directions of both the child's need for
asking, and their own with respect to what possible answers
they would be willing to share, and how to present
them."
Sadie: You are famous in Northern Vermont for your wonderful sense of
style, with a particularly fabulous 1940's look that you put together
for events. What tips can you offer about putting together a fetish
wardrobe inexpensively?
Flirticia: "The best way to start, is to figure out what type of
image you would like to present, from vintage, to babydoll, to sex
kitten, to vamp, etc,. View the image as a persona you are trying to
create, and that you truly want to feel and experience. From there, it
is just a quick step to figuring out what types of clothing styles,
colors and textures will create and accentuate that look. Have fun
with it! Hit the consignment shops with those creative images
and ideas in mind. BDSM clothing swaps within groups, are also a
great source for ready made outfits. I collect hats, of various types,
vintage, felt, and others. Sometimes with just the signature piece
of a hat, a whole new look can be born. Guys know this too, as what good
is a uniform without the military beret to go with it, Most importantly
stay true to your own budget, your own whims and outfits that will make
you feel great when you are in them!"
Sadie: You recently spent two days building the Spankmeister Spanking
bench which is a fully adjustable spanking and play piece of furniture
retailing about $1,000, to raise money for your next trip to the Leather
Leadership VIII Conference (LLC). What was the experience like of
building the Spankmeister? Would you do this again as a fundraiser?
Flirticia: "Building the 'Spankmeister' consisted of being one of
two lackeys to a Master Craftsmen, and working from dawn to about
10:00 P.M. each evening for three days in a row. We were covered in
sawdust, stain, glue, etc. We rested only for meals and bathroom
breaks, and when I could sneak a pet in for the baby kitties. I learned
how to use a table saw, a drill press, to stuff and sew cushions, and
how to assemble and disassemble the bench. It was fun, but a lot of
hard work. I was allowed to use my own creativity to design improvements
to the headrest tie down, of which I took great pride in. Would I
do it again? Maybe to build one, but definitely not two in one weekend
as we did last time!
Sadie: You are active in reaching out to other groups and getting
educated on a broader community level, i.e. going to the Leather
Leadership Conference etc. What do you think this adds to our Vermont
community?
Flirticia: "That is like asking why send an ambassador to Thailand,
or an astronaut to Mars, or a doctor to a medical Seminar. When
people stop sending representatives to neighboring countries, planets,
seminars, we become insular in our thinking. We lose opportunities for
growth, and more importantly the opportunity to either prove or
discredit unconfirmed beliefs about particular environments. When
we become too insular, and avoid seeking out others, it is like going
back to living in a cave, or fostering clan-like behavior. When any
population becomes too centered upon itself, there is a tendency to have
less tolerance for the ways and ideas of others.
"BDSM is no different. The more isolated a BDSM
group, the greater tendency towards the false confidence of having
the 'superior' way of doing things. Other groups and or ideas
then become obstacles, competition, and threats to the group's
'rightness'. On a united national level, to continue to develop, share
the same messages with the vanilla world, and with one
another, about what truly makes up the BDSM lifestyle, we at least
need to be aware and accepting of our own myriad of differences. Even
more important, we need to view the unity and commonalities
that groups and individuals within the lifestyle share. It hasn't
been said that 'ignorance breeds contempt' for nothing!
Sadie: What did you find most useful about attending the last LLC in
Boston? Considering that even they had problems with internal politics,
do you ever throw up your hands that we will ever all get along?
Flirticia: "I don't despair, because I set my expectations
realistically. Relationships, whether between individuals or groups, are
never set. They are static rather, always evolving and changing. It
is natural for both, to growing closer together, and then have
pendulum swing to growing farther apart. A good relationship is one that
can endure the occasional ebb and flow, recognizing it for what it is,
without needing to feel threatened by the changes. The most useful
information I've learned and brought back to my groups, was the
difference between RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and SSC (Safe Sane
Consensual) with regard to being used as a possible defense in the
legal arena. Previously, I had thought either helpful, but it seems the
former is actually seen by legalities as an admission of guilt, and may
actually do a person's defense more harm than good, and
shouldn't be used in this respect. This is something specific, that
should a person charged with abuse in the context of lifestyle
play would be able to utilize in a much needed and helpful way.
This knowledge and awareness of the difference is something that
would benefit any lifestyler. Sharing helpful information that
could apply to anyone of us from lifestylers who have lived through such
scenarios is an important reason for attending conferences such as
Leather Leadership Conference."
Sadie: Vermont is a fairly small state, that most people don't think
of when they think about a kinky place to visit. When you visit larger
groups and communities, what are the differences that really strike you?
What do you find is pretty much the same anywhere?
Flirticia: "The largest difference is that VT being a small
state, almost inevitably within a group context one will run into
someone who knows their boss's cousin's brother's niece, etc. Security
and confidentiality are the biggest challenges which is quite different
from more metropolitan areas. It is for this reason that we have a
rather rigorous screening process at VT Rose & Thorn. Our intent
isn't to prevent new members from joining, but rather to ensure the
safety as much as possible of all. We try to prevent the entrance
of 'lookyloos,' (those without serious interest/experience, who are just
curious). The other major difference is that we live in an area with
little or no acceptance from the vanilla community, which
prohibits the use of hotel conference rooms, clubs or bars for
demos, events, etc. Most of our Level II and few Level III
events are at previously undisclosed private homes. What is the same? Oh
easily *chuckling* it is the petty jealousies, squabbles,
misunderstandings, etc., that people are bound to have with one another
from time to time, requiring some effort to sort out or respond
to."
Sadie: The BDSM community can be divisive, something which I have
attributed to our natural inclination toward the power exchange. Still,
you have made special efforts to promote harmony in the Vermont area
groups? What are some of the strategies you have used to do this?
Flirticia: "I believe in saving my breath. People seldom learn as
much by what a person says, than by what they do. I try to hold myself
to high standards and to live as an example. I let my acceptance and
enjoyment of the people around me show. I'm honest but tactful when
someone has let me down or displeased me, without resorting to emotional
name calling etc. I try to stick to the facts of any given situation,
and not the emotional context it is often presented in. I also always
try to 'put myself in that person's shoes' in order to attempt to
understand their viewpoint, realizing that it will never be
an absolutely accurate description. I try never to insist that
my way is the only way, recognizing that there is often more
than one answer or solution to any given problem. And last but most
important, while I don't always yield, I refuse to fight. It takes two
people to continue a fight. If one stops, the other must eventually. And
the best way to not antagonize further fighting or dissention is to
avoid sharing negativity with others. Many a group splinters because
people in their own unhappiness share their unhappy complaint with
others members and inevitably polarize the group. I'm very cautious to
always attempt to find the good in all around me and to praise it and
them when found, in the hopes of encouraging even more."
Sadie: Where are your goals for Rose & Thorn in the next few years?
What do you hope for in the Vermont community as a whole?
Flirticia: "My goals for VT Rose & Thorn are simple. First, to
maintain or surpass the level of attendance and cooperation that we have
already achieved already. Yay! We have a great group of people both
managing and attending right now that I am thankful for. Second, I'd
like to see Rose & Thorn maintain and foster relationships to other
groups such as Albany Kink & Party Club our sister group and also
New Hampshire and Montreal groups of which we already have forged
some strong ties.
"Many people have asked me if I plan to change VT
Rose & Thorn to a level III play group. The answer is no. Rose &
Thorn best serves it's population as the level II group it has always
been. What we have been doing and will continue to do is to forge links
to venues that will allow our members the opportunity for more advanced
'lifestyle play' beyond the demos and workshops that our group provides.
We will do this for two reasons. First and most important, it is
necessary and important if providing lifestyle education to provide
venues for safe explorations and practice, meaning dungeon monitored
arenas for people to try out those new skills learned.
"Second, the reason for doing so is simply
because many members have asked for more safe play venues to be
available to them and I believe in group consensus as a motivation.
Linking to venues already established lessens VT Rose & Thorns group
liability, and allows group members attending the opportunity to
learn how other groups manage to host play events in their own
communities with minimal risk and problems. Then, if a group member
wants to host a private event in our own backyard, everyone has a better
idea of how to size up the safety and preparedness of an individual to
do so. The end result is this leaves it to the individual member to
choose whether or not to participate in a play activity, and not a
group mentality making decisions for all. I'm all for holding
members responsible for their own choices and decisions with regard to
what risks they choose or don't choose to opt for in their lives."
Sadie: Is there anything you'd like to add that might interest our
readers?
Flirticia: "Yes, I'd like to thank all of the various groups that I
belong to, lead etc. in supporting my efforts to raise funds to go to
LLC8. I'd also like to thank all of those who proof read the request for
a grant from NELA (New England Leather Alliance) to augment funds for
this trip. We received a $200 grant in exchange for a commitment to NELA
of 4 hours to be volunteered at the next Fetish Flea and an article
to be written for NELA on my experiences at LLC8. Without all of you.. I
as a single parent Mom couldn't have made this happen. More importantly,
I would love to see a new Rose & Thorn member volunteer to go as an
emissary for our group next year wherever LLC8 will be held. It is
important to get many different perspectives. What I take away from each
class attended, may not be the same as what any one of you would take
away. If interested, please feel free to email me at I_Am_Flirticia@yahoo.com
and I will personally commit to helping you to organize fundraising for
your commitment to such an adventure that will benefit us all.
"Thanks to you Sadie, for an opportunity to
submit my views in a venue that essentially reaches out to many,
furthering many of the same goals of which I strive for. Sincerely,
Flirticia, Director of VT Rose & Thorn."
Sadie: And thank you too Flirt, both for the great
interview and for doing such a great job at Rose & Thorn!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the
Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt
at http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html
. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn,
Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as
well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com
. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications
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