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e-mail: wmds@valley.net
website: http://wmdifferentstrokes.com
listserv: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wmds
Sadie: How would you describe your group? You started out just as
leader of the Upper Valley Munch. How was it that you grew so fast in
the last year to include all of Northern New Hampshire?
Ed: "Our group began as strictly a munch in April 2000, and is
growing in response to the needs of our people - some traveled upwards
of 50 miles to attend munches. Unlike in more populated southern N.H.,
there was no group 'north of Concord' - and no one willing to take that
first step. We decided to include two other munches under a loose-knit
common management only last November - so we are still in our infancy as
far as being a major group."
Sadie: How would you describe your job as leader of the White
Mountains Different Strokes?? What do you feel are the characteristics
that such a leader needs?
Ed: "In the December issue of Harvard Business Review, they asked
many CEO's about leadership characteristics. And while most listed their
parents, professors, business mentors, graduate school and military
training or the like - more CEO's than you might think said, 'get people
who are smarter than you, and encourage them to work together.'"
""Not being a long-term player, this was the only way I could
do it. And then when people with the experience and resources came on
board, things began to happen. Besides that: having patience, keeping up
on current events and visiting other groups. The jazz saxophonist Sonny
Rollins came out with somewhat of a retrospective CD last year entitled,
'This Is What I Do.' To me, it sums up why I enjoy doing this
work."
Sadie: As you see the New Hampshire community maturing, how do you
think it will change and grow?
Ed: "In conjunction with the ME and VT communities - it will become
more unified, and not just the poor step-child of the MA, CT and RI part
of the New England scene. In fact, NELA (New England Leather
Association) had a discussion on this very subject at their Flea in
Andover, MA in January. They are also hoping to persuade their national
chapter to hold (for the first time) next year's annual convention in
Boston. One other proposal by one of the N.H. Seacoast groups is to hold
a 'monster munch' in a rented hall someday - so that we could all meet
each other on a social basis.
Sadie: What does WMDS offer to the community that is special and
unique?
Ed: "Our greatest strength - that we cover a wide geographical area
that was unserved before - is also our greatest weakness. Our nine board
members live a distance from each other, have conflicting work schedules
- so meeting is not easy. However, for the person in the North Country
who is willing to pitch in and help us - they can become an important
part of a group sooner than they would be in a more established group in
a densely populated area. We are too new to have established any
'cliques,' yet."
Sadie: What are your goals for WMDS in the next year? How about in
the next five years?
Ed: "For the next year, just consolidate what we have. Through
discussion, trial and error and feedback, get to know people in the
White Mountains and have the group reach a consensus on what we want to
be, what activities to sponsor, etc. In fact, if we can get all nine
board members in one room at one time, it will be a first.
"Five years is looking far ahead - if we grow too rapidly and
geographically, it may be that at some point we may need to carefully
split up (the Holy Roman Empire refused to, and did not survive). I also
would hope that someone else would be leading this group by then. We
just don't have the luxury of looking that deep into the future, at this
time.
Sadie: What have been the biggest challenges in starting a new group?
Ed: "Flying blind - spreading the word of the group, and wondering
who will show up on a given day. Getting frustrated at first, and then
having several people show up all at once. Worrying that if we can't
offer lotsa parties at once, that good people will walk away. And in a
non-densely populated area, worrying that we won't achieve a 'critical
mass.' Fortunately, as in other parts of life, most of your worries
never actually materialize."
Sadie: What is the main goal of the WMDS listserv?
Ed: "To encourage dialogue, hoping that the 'lurkers' will be
encouraged to speak, to send out major announcements and the like."
Sadie: What other BDSM groups are you involved with? Are you active
in the organization in addition to being a participant?
Ed: "I have no management position in those groups - however, group
leaders are often given invitations to attend other group's functions. I
try to attend a few PENE and Rose & Thorn private events a year. In
addition, I've been to a munch held by every group in VT & NH -
except for one in Windham, NH, and hope to remedy that situation later
this spring.
Sadie: What are your thoughts about how the BDSM community is
changing as it moves into the new millennium?
Ed: "I've often used the expression 'we're getting almost normal.'
When you see all of the TV programs with some form of BDSM aspect
(Weakest Link, The Chair, The Chamber), plus a more accepting societal
look at sexuality, we will be not be 'under radar' for too much longer.
As noted, the Internet brought me to BDSM, not a personal experience.
Some have mentioned that the gay community 30 years ago is where we are
today. Add to that the appeal that the Goth community has amongst young
people, plus (ahem) Jerry Springer - it's not the same.
"The Paddleboro and Quincy Pro-Domme cases shone the spotlight on
us more than we might have liked. For some people, that's a thrilling
concept. For others, being on the 'island of misfit toys' is a feeling
of pride in being different and separate - that may start to slip away.
"I'm unsure how this will turn out in the end. It may be worse, it
may be better. It will certainly be different."
Sadie: What do you think about educating the vanilla community about
what we do?
Ed: "Delicate issue. If we say nothing, then misconceptions and
stereotypes persist - some of our people have lost child custody cases
in such a vacuum. 'Charges not responded to, are agreed to' is an old
adage that we may come out on the short end of.
"If we come out forcefully, we run the risk of being accused of
'recruiting' people (just as gays have been) and we don't want to
attract hustlers to our way of life.
"Some in our community do a lot of education, but behind the scenes
(EMT's, police, lawyers, etc.) and this, probably, is the best course of
action. Not all of us would want our photos on the front page of the
local newspaper."
Sadie: How long have you been involved in the BDSM scene? Please tell
me a little bit about your background and experience.
Ed: "I discovered this world via the Internet in late 1997, and
attended my first munch in the summer of 1998. Before then, I thought
this world was limited only to the Hell's Angels. Estelle, who used to
run the munch in Nashua, NH, didn't care that I was a rank amateur - and
when I saw her at the last Flea I mentioned that, otherwise, I might
have just walked away. But I was still pretty much an observer for the
first year, just absorbing all that I could by osmosis."
Sadie: How has the process of creating WMDS changed you personally?
Ed: "When my former employer was sold in the autumn of 1999 (and I
relocated to the Upper Valley of VT/NH) I had to create a group in this
area - or else just give up. I knew how to organize gatherings and
events (my high school and college friends lovingly tease me about
'Eddie Events') but for someone with only a year into the lifestyle, it
was a baptism of fire - I certainly wouldn't have chosen someone to
start a group with that short of a BDSM timeline.
"Looking back, it was the equivalent of hitting the fast-forward on
the tape deck. And, but for my being fired, I'd probably be someone
purely in the background today. Interesting thought.
Sadie: What was the process of getting WMDS off the ground?
Ed: "I was nobody's idea of a veteran player. I was living in
Salem, NH (about 35 miles NW of Boston) and was able to attend what was
- at the time - the only publicly listed munch in New Hampshire (at the
Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua). I was quite nervous, but I found the
red-and-black balloons in the food court easily. Estelle, a board member
of the Boston Dungeon Society (BDS) ran this event back then, and
greeted me as if I were a long-lost friend. No one cared that I was new,
either - I found a home.
"But in the summer of 1999, my company was sold and relocated far
away. My job search eventually landed a spot at Dartmouth-Hitchcock
Medical Center, on the VT/NH border. Several of the munch 'regulars'
simply said, 'Ed, this is your chance to start your own group in the
Upper Valley.' It wasn't my wish, but the alternative - giving up the
Scene - was not an option. So, besides Estelle, the fellow at BDS who
maintains the list of munches around New England (SubStephen) gave me
lots of practical advice and emphasized, 'Start slowly.'"
"This I did in the spring of 2000 - eventually beginning a munch in
West Lebanon in April of that year. As it turned out, other groups
throughout New Hampshire (in Keene, Manchester, Windham, etc.) wound up
starting around the same time. But this I would not find out until later
- for all the world, I thought I was a pioneer.
"Besides trying to enlist the help of on-line listings, I placed
print ads in the NH Classified Guide and Seven Days (which take
alternative ads). A few men asked, 'Hey, what kinda uncollared females
ya got?' They were, though, the exception - most people were eager to
have an outlet, just only too willing to 'to let George do it' as far as
starting one.
"And while it has taken time, it has been rewarding. Comments like
'wow, I didn't think anybody in this area was into this,' or 'nice to
know I'm not a freak' are common. Even if inexperienced, if you bring
enough good people together, then good things will happen. What you must
provide are ambition, work and lots-and-lots of patience. Besides a good
feeling, I know I'm a better player as a result of doing this work. So,
most likely, will you."
Sadie: How has BDSM changed your life? If you had a choice, would you
rather have been a regular "vanilla" person?
Ed: "I was for just over forty years! And in reality, the majority
of my life today is (when you count work, family, other friendships,
schoolwork, etc.) I know it makes me more accepting of people who are a
bit different, I perceive male-female relationships in a whole new way
and am more observant of the ways that people demonstrate their inner
feelings (and not simply sexuality, either)."
Sadie: How would you describe your philosophy/approach as it pertains
to the BDSM lifestyle? Are you dominant, submissive, switch?
Ed: "I use the phrase 'aspiring dom,' as I'm still getting up to
speed as a player. I ended the year of 2001 far ahead of where I was at
the beginning, yet still not there yet."
Sadie: How did your approach to BDSM change over time you've been
exploring this side of your sexuality?
Ed: "What was (at first) a very daunting task has become easier the
more and more I talk and learn from others. Like many enthusiasts in
other parts of life, I tried to build Rome in a day - in large measure
since I came to this after age 40. After coming to my senses (especially
since it wasn't much fun) I am much more happy.
Sadie: Any pet peeves about the BDSM lifestyle in general?
Ed: "This lifestyle deals with high-stakes emotions, so I
understand tempers can be frayed from time-to-time. That said, I'm still
puzzled how people are quick to attack others personally, instead of
simply disagreeing with ideas - although that happens elsewhere in
society these days, I suppose. In the (nearly) two years that I've been
involved in group management, I've yet to have an unkind word said to me
(for once, I guess I drew the long straw).
"Then when I see the heavy artillery come out, such as groups
disintegrating (and sometimes not over substantive issues) to even
stalking I wonder, 'How in the world did it come to this?'"
Sadie: What kind of advice would you give to novices starting out in
the lifestyle?
Ed: "'Become a sponge.' Absorb everything you can via books, attend
classes, munches, soirees, parties, Flea Markets and conventions. At
some point, find a mentor to learn from on a first-hand basis. That's
the basic advice. If you volunteer to help manage a group in some way,
it will probably shorten the learning curve as it did for me.
Sadie: What are the biggest challenges you've found in growing in
your D/s lifestyle?
Ed: "Besides the normal time constraints (work, family, school,
other responsibilities) it's overcoming my upbringing. But not, as most
have said, due to religion.
"I grew up in a wonderful family - when my folks died twenty years
apart, many of our friends specified how much they missed them, too. But
it was a very genteel family, with proper ways to behave - never heard a
swear word from my parents, never saw them kiss and when I began dating
girls, my mother (in the only instance of this) instilled quite a
genteel dating etiquette. In later years, it's served me well - yet, it
made adapting to BDSM a challenge.
"In addition it was also an egalitarian family, with no gender
roles (my cousin Anne is the CEO of a major corporation). BDSM often
plays on the gender line, so mine was not a quick or easy conversion.
But after several mental debates, it's been rewarding."
Sadie: Do you have any particular areas of education or
specialization that you would like to educate our readers about?
Ed: "Not from a play perspective - but I do have some macro issues
that I speak to others about.
Keep in mind that there is a vanilla world parallel to just about
everything that we do. In trying to analyze issues, I often find
solutions elsewhere in life.
"Also, that we are only a subset in the 'alternative sexuality'
world. When Paddleboro hit the newspapers, the general public sees no
difference between us and the vanilla swing party circuit that was
broken up in Salem, NH around the same time - we'll be lumped in with
them. They may not be our brothers and sisters - but how others are
treated will eventually come back to us, as well."
Sadie: Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright
2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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