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demona@slavedemona.com
http://www.slavedemona.com
SENSUOUS Sadie: You represent a minority among lifestylers: a slave
in a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship. Could you please tell me
about this lifestyle?
demona: "Basically Sir R wields full power and control over my
life. i am objectified as owned property and continually work to be
whatever and whomever He defines me as. He enjoys ownership much as He
does with any other possession of His.
"i am not permitted a safeword, i do not have limits beyond those
that Sir R Himself has, and basically everything in my life, is a
'privilege' including the very air i breathe.
"We perceive a safeword as the submissive wielding the *ultimate*
power. From that perspective, everything the Dominant does is at the
behest or by the permission of the submissive. Sir R and i both really
struggled with the idea of my *giving Sir R permission* and so a
more conventional Ds dynamic just doesn’t work for us.
"We also do not adhere to the philosophy that 'submission is a
gift.' What i don’t give, He will take. Once i agreed to serve
Sir R, all parts of me became His property, to do with as He sees fit.
There are some parts of me that i cannot voluntarily *give,* and He
plucks them from me, when He wishes, whether i consent or not.
Ultimately, our relationship is based on Consensual Non-Consensuality.
Which is to say, my final right to consent entailed entering this
relationship. The ball is perpetually in Sir R’s court now.
"There are many stereotypes out there about all of these types of
relationships…but people really need to get to know the participants
before making assumptions. Most people that get to know Sir R and i are
very surprised by the way we live, as it isn’t what they assumed it
would be at all."
Sadie: Can you explain how TPE is different than both Gor and 24/7
D/s relationships?
demona: "Gor is modeled after an mythical ideology. 24 7 Ds
relationships typically involve the submissive wielding a degree of
power in terms of negotiating the terms of that relationship. TPE is
only modeled after the sole wishes of the Owner, and encompasses
whatever He wants it to encompass...nothing more and nothing less.
"In all three types of relationships, the Ds dynamic is ongoing and
static. The participants identify as either Dominant or submissive
towards one another, reside in an ongoing relationship. They do not ever
perceive themselves as ever relating to one another outside of that
Dom-sub expectation."
Sadie: You moved from your native Canada to upstate New York to serve
Sir R who came from Texas. How would you describe your relationship?
demona: "my relationship with Sir R has been based on fulltime
service from its onset. We met online and after getting to know each
other thoroughly, came together as Master and slave into a TPE dynamic
The foundation of our relationship is 'Master slave' and not about
romantic love. This is very comforting to me, as i know that whether we
are in love, out of love, romantic, not romantic or what have you...i am
always Owned property. Nothing changes that.
"Our philosophy is that Control should be the foundation of Master
slave, everything else is icing. We do love and care for one another,
but those emotions have their place in our relationship and are
secondary.
"i have experienced many different kinds of relationships over the
years, but this is by far the most intimate i have ever known. When
there is an area He wishes to know about or explore, He just takes what
He wants. It is irrelevant whether or not i wish to participate. This is
really special because it means that my defense mechanisms, instinctual
fears etc cannot interfere in our moving forward and growing as Master
slave.
"Another fundamental concept for us is eliminating 'Peerness' from
our relationship. my primary identity is that of slave, who also happens
to fulfill roles of worker, mother, friend, daughter etc. All of those
roles are privileges for me, permitted and demanded by Sir R. As opposed
to identifying as an 'individual' i.e. mother, daughter, friend, worker
etc, who also happens to fulfill the role of slave. i do not identify in
any way as Sir R's girlfriend, wife, friend etc. if Sir R wanted a
girlfriend, He would find one. And i would continue to be His slave,
serving Him…. and her, if He saw fit.
"Eliminating 'Peerness' is an important facet of my knowing my
place in the world as a slave. It establishes an authenticity in our
relationship and leaves no room for misconceptions on my part. And that
is very comforting to me as well. Life is very clearly defined."
Sadie: How do you separate love from your
relationship of control with Sir R? The reason I ask about this is
because our culture does not offer any models of relationships like
this. I have not yet met a Dominant who I would trust with EVERYTHING. I
generally trust people, but everyone is human and has weaknesses. How do
you reconcile these conflicting ideas?
demona: "Rather than resisting or denying Sir R's
humanity,' i embrace it. His faults and foibles illicit the same
reverence in me as His strength and power. Whatever He is –or is not,
has no bearing on my identity as His property. His very human-ness makes
Him all the more an effective Dominant. The fact that He maintains
fundamental control over me even in His weakest moments, makes Him all
the more powerful in my eyes.
"i have always been a great skeptic, and am slow
to trust. In the beginning, our journey was a giant leap of faith, based
on our beliefs in one another and the potential of this rare
relationship. Sometimes, when you want something so valuable, you have
to take risks...and i've never been particularly fearful.
"i sometimes compare aspects of our relationship
to the one that exists between parent and child, particularly in the
manner that the trust and control flows. Parents hold the ultimate
control. They are not perfect, but they are reliable, safe and willing
to do what it takes to achieve what they believe is right for the
family. The parent and child love each other despite their weaknesses,
but that love never compromises who is in charge. Parents impart their
beliefs and way of thinking onto their child as they raise it, and yet
at the same time, embrace the uniqueness of the child. Children and
parents don't always see eye to eye, but in the end, it’s the parents
wishes that are affected. Of course there are many ways in which our
relationship is nothing like parent child, particularly in the context
of my being a slave whose sole purpose is to serve Him. But there are
some parallels.
"Sir R's natural ability to control not only me,
but just about everything around Him, has worked towards dismantling my
defensive barriers. Control and power really come naturally to Him. And
yet, He's so laid back...you'd never see it coming.
"We also did a lot of remapping my
instinctual behaviors and perceptions during that cloistered year i was
kept at home, so that my implicit trust in Sir R became the standard. It
doesn't just come naturally, it takes concentrated effort, and we have
invested a lot of work. He has invested a great deal of time in
psycho-emotional training that affects the desired responses in me. As
life throws us its curve balls and issues come up, we sometimes have to
revisit old territory and lay the foundation again...and we don't mind
doing that at all.
"We don't separate love and control in the sense
that they cannot be experienced simultaneously. Indeed, they have the
potential to feed one another. They also have the ability to interfere
with one another. And that is something we are not interested in dealing
with. We have established boundaries in our relationship, that Control
will never be compromised or negotiated upon, regardless of what emotion
or circumstance lays between us in a given moment."
Sadie: You explain about what happens if your Master
falls in love with someone. What happens if you fall in love with
someone?
demona: "That is highly unlikely to happen as my
world so thoroughly managed that there really wouldn't be any
opportunity for such a thing to occur. We invest training time in
shaping my emotions to be such that He would approve of, and i do not
imagine Him indulging me in falling in love with someone, though He
might for His own entertainment and pleasure i suppose.
"If i were to fall in love with someone, those
feelings would be the property of Sir R, just as all my other feelings
are. He would expect full disclosure on what was occurring, just as i do
with everything else. And it might provide a delightful vulnerability in
me, for Him to explore and exploit at His leisure ~smile~
"Any feelings of passion or desire that arise in
me, are the property of Sir R and i disclose them fully to Him. He
chooses to do with them as He pleases, perhaps indulging them... or
perhaps denying them intentionally to suit His own purposes. i find this
more fulfilling than any vanilla love could ever offer me. Its just how
i'm wired."
Sadie: As a minority in the BDSM community, have you
faced any prejudices? How have your responded to them?
demona: "A lot of people just can't get
beyond the SSC slogan or the idea that BDSM is a recreational activity.
i accept and understand that a TPE life choice isn’t for everyone, and
that some people might find it downright offensive or extreme. But it
works for us, and we don’t try to push our agenda on anyone else.
Everyone has to carve out their own reality.
"For us, Power Exchange is about our very identities. i am
accepting of others perspectives, and am willing to help dismiss the
stereotypes for those that are willing to listen and learn. For those
who aren’t, i just *shrug* and keep moving forward ~smile~"
Sadie: Sir R has owned you for three and a half years now. How has
your practice and relationship changed over that time?
demona: "It’s all an evolution. Sir R is my everything.
Literally. And it’s glorious."
Sadie: How long have you been involved in the BDSM scene? Please tell
me a little bit about your background and experience.
demona: "i've dabbled in kink sexually since i was 13 after
reading Man with a Maid (By Anonymous), but have never been involved in
the Community until about two years ago when Sir R brought me out after
a year of cloistered & extensive micromanaged training.
"i’ve always been able to sense out strong Dominant men. i’ve
always sought out men that were quietly and effectively Dominant in
their very nature. And have never had a problem persuading them into
kinky sex *grin*
"i met Sir R quite by accident in a vanilla forum online.
Neither of us sought a relationship. As we talked we discovered that we
held many things in common and came to believe that we could have a
successful authentic Master slave relationship. To find this is such a
rarity that neither of us could turn our back on the opportunity. i left
a very content and happy five year vanilla marriage to be Owned by Sir
R, and i’ve never looked back. He immediately sold His house and came
to Canada to seize possession of me.
"i’ve never met anyone that i felt could effectively control me,
without my actually being the one controlling myself. Sir R is
strong enough, and determined enough to do the job. i feel honored and
privileged to have been chosen as His property."
Sadie: You and Sir R started the 24/7 Ds Lifestyles group. What is
your focus with this group?
demona: "The 24/7 Ds Lifestyles Group is specifically for
people in static Ds relationships in which a consistent Power Exchange
is the ongoing day-to-day expectation.
"Sir R and i have found that actually 'Living' Ds as an ongoing
dynamic presents some unique issues. There are limited resources that
provide information or support on fulltime Ds, and so this group is
meant to bring people of similar life choice together for friendship,
discussion and support.
"We have a monthly topic and the event is open to A/anyone
currently in fulltime Ds or with some significant past experience. We
set this boundary so that everyone coming to the table is able to
contribute and share information as well as learn from others. The group
has been a fabulous resource to other Fulltimers, and we were pleasantly
surprised to see how many others participate in this type of BDSM
relationship."
Sadie: You are on several national boards that deal with this area.
Can you tell me about them? What are the most common issues you see
people dealing with?
demona: "The boards i belong to generally deal with Total Power
Exchange relationships in which the slave is perceived as actual Owned
property and typically has relinquished all rights and personal power,
including safewords. Their purpose typically entails physical and
psycho-emotional Enslavement of one form or another.
"These Boards are national in scope because TPE Lifestylers make up
a pretty limited gene pool, and are truly a minority amongst a minority.
TPE’ers are typically pretty spread out geographically and not always
able to access one another one-on-one. Not all of them are community
members, often making them more difficult to find.
"Just about every topic you can think of is discussed, but
frequently topics evolve around ideas on how to seize/relinquish power
in areas one cannot volunteer. e.g. defense mechanisms, instinctual
behaviours etc. Issues that frequently come up typically have to do with
dealing with the parts of us that can’t be 'given' to someone, and how
to seize and control those parts of human nature. Often the participants
are highly intellectual people. Its always very stimulating
conversation, although often outside of what is considered 'politically
correct' in the mainstream BDSM community."
Sadie: You do some writing in the BDSM genre. Are you working on any
current writing projects?
demona: "i write articles on issues relating to 24 7 and TPE
lifestyles. i post some them on my website along with great articles by
other authors on similar topics. This approach offers a more rounded
perspective for those seeking info on 24 7, Master slave and TPE living,
rather than just tooting my own horn. Check it out at http://www.slavedemona.com
"
Sadie: What motivated you to start the APeX North Country Munch?
demona: "As Sir R and i became more intimate with the
membership of Albany Power Exchange, we came to realize that many of the
300+ members were our neighbors in the North Country. We thought it
would be wonderful to provide the same safe, fun loving and nurturing
atmosphere that APeX provides Albany, right here in the Wilds of Upstate
New York.
"We chose to partner the North Country Munch with APeX because we
have been so impressed with the sanctity, support and enjoyment APeX
provides their Membership. The affiliation between the North Country and
Albany communities was a natural!"
Sadie: How would you describe your job as leader of North Country
Munch? How would you describe your group?
demona: "Hmmm... Job? Leader? Those aren’t terms i really
relate to! We are having too much fun to see it as a job! And our egos
just aren’t that big to coin ourselves 'leaders.'
"We see ourselves as individuals on the same playing field as
everyone else. Every participant is a leader in their own right. We just
happened to have the time, resources and motivation to put this
particular event together. The event itself is warm and inviting. The
location we chose has a very comfortable atmosphere including a
fireplace, pool table and the best-darned home cooked food you’ve ever
tasted! The people who attend are what really make the event so
great!"
Sadie: What do you feel are the characteristics that make you an
effective leader?
demona: "Again, i have to say that Leader isn’t a term i
personally relate to. It’s outside of the scope in which my Owner
permits me to view myself. The characteristics that make me an effective
friend are commitment, integrity, honesty, dedication, desire to hear
what others are REALLY trying to say, and of course…. objectivity. i
understand that these qualities are integral in effectively managing
relationships of ANY kind."
Sadie: What are your hopes for North Country Munch down the road? And
special projects?
demona: "i hope the North Country Munch continues on just as it
has. It is a warm comfortable atmosphere with great food, conversation
and friendship. Who could possibly ask for more?"
Sadie: Being a leader affects not only your group members, but
yourself. How has your leadership changed your BDSM practice?
demona: "my world is defined and dictated by my Owner, Sir R.
In our relationship, my sole responsibility is to maintain what He
dictates is appropriate for me. Everything else is peripheral for me,
including my involvement in Community.
"Committing time to the community whether as an organizer or a
participant, always means that time must be donated from some other
aspect of life. We strive to find balance between Ds, Family, Career,
and Community and make adjustments as necessary on the fly. Since TPE Ds
is 'who we are', and not 'what we do', there is very little conflict
from external sources that affects it."
Sadie: Any pet peeves about the BDSM lifestyle?
demona: "Nope."
Sadie: How do you see the Albany community changing as more and more
BDSM groups become active?
demona: "There can never be too much of a good thing. Emphasis
on the word *good* Not everything available out there is healthy
for people. There’s a lot of misinformation and a lot of people trying
to peddle their own agendas. i suggest to all new people that they sit
back and observe…then make their own determinations about what is
right for them. If someone is trying to sway you to buy into his or her
opinions, ask yourself 'why?'"
Sadie: What is your approach to educating the greater community in
Albany? What are some of the things you've been involved with that work
toward this? Challenges?
demona: "i am just 'me' and am always willing to offer up
anything that can be helpful to someone else and within the boundaries
Owner defines for me. By providing safe recreational and educational
events for people, APeX pretty much has this corner covered. By
supporting the local community and APeX events, i am supporting the very
people who make this a community. The Members."
Sadie: Anything else you'd like to add? Please feel free to write
about any particular topics of your interest, as well as promote
yourself in any way you like.
"i am a huge advocate of promoting sexual freedom and
eliminating disinformation about BDSM lifestyles to Joe Vanilla Public.
"Sir R and i encourage others who are able, to share some of their
lifestyle realities with loved ones who are able to understand. As a
means of disseminating information and promoting tolerance. Sometimes
approaching things slowly, bit by bit...allows vanillas to become more
open-minded.
"We have been pleasantly surprised at how tolerant the vanilla
people in our world have been to our life choice. We come out to people
in baby steps, always allowing that person's body language to convey
their comfort level with what they are hearing. Many small steps make a
mile eventually, and we are now out to our families, friends, careers,
communities and more. We feel happier about not having to hide this
fundamental part of our life, and those around us are further empowered
by having an accurate portrayal of what this lifestyle is really about.
"Hopefully, those of us who ARE able to stand up and share, are
carving out a more tolerant environment for those of us who cannot. We
hope that those people will suffer less discrimination and fewer adverse
affects as a result of their personal life choices!
"i encourage anyone with questions about our experiences of 'Coming
Out' or 'TPE Lifestyles' to contact me, as i always enjoy a good chat. i
can be reached at demona@slavedemona.com or slave_demona on Yahoo
Instant Messenger.
"Thank you for taking the time to interview me!"
Sadie: Thank you for speaking with me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright
2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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