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Deborah Addington is an author, teacher, creative writer, activist, freelance journalist, 15-year veteran of the BDSM community, pornographist, sexualist, artist, seeker of the divine and Truth. She has a degree in English Literature and a credential in Women's Studies with an emphasis on ending violence against women. She is an ordained Cleric in the tradition of Modern Mysticism. Through sexuality training and education, she specializes in helping others to find and travel their own paths. Deborah teaches a variety of spiritual courses in BDSM as well as erotic roleplay, vampirism, ritual scarification, play piercing, vaginal fisting and female genitorture. She is the author of A Hand in the Bush: The Fine art of Vaginal Fisting, and Fantasy Made Flesh: The Essential Guide to Erotic Roleplay. She has written for "Growing Pains," the Society of Janus newsletter, is a longtime freelance writer for "On Our Backs" and is currently the Featured Writer for the online e-zine "The Endless Knot." She has contributed to Sex Tricks for Women by Jay Wiseman and Sex Disasters and How to Avoid Them by Dr. Charles Moser and Janet Hardy. Deborah's new book, Fantasy Made Flesh: The Essential Guide to Erotic Roleplay will be out in mid-March from Greenery Press and the limited edition chapbook of her poetry, WordPlay: Selected Poems is available through her website: www.fistandfangs.com.
You can also read an except from her new book Fantasy Made Flesh: The
Essential Guide to Erotic Roleplay at: Read Deborah's article God Wears Black Leather; Kink and the Unitive Experience
SPECIAL NOTE FROM DEBORAH: Before we begin, I'd like to clarify some vocabulary. I write spirituality stuff, and I still tend to be put off by some of the frou-frou language that seems to go with it. Used to be the three things one did not discuss in polite society were sex, politics and religion. Politics and sex have become staples of conversation; religion is still out in the cold. It has become the thing we're discouraged to discuss. Religion today has acquired the same stigma that sex had during the Victorian era. The way I see it, the only way to open doors to spiritual practice is to invite and encourage discussion. Once we realize and acknowledge that, like sex, everyone does it—or wants to—religion will lose some of its stigma, and we can get on with it. Religion is composed of the concretized practices extracted from a given rhetoric. Spirituality is the pursuit of enlightenment, the Divine and one's personal Truth. Sometimes the hard lines of a religion give one a comfortable framework within which to pursue that exploration; sometimes the hard lines of a religion prove too confining. I use the word God because it's a simple word that most people comprehend. It means the Divine, the Unseen, the collective Spirit. It's a loaded word; humans have done some pretty abhorrent things in the name of God, and the word has acquired a taint. I ask people to unload that word, the same way I ask them to unload "love" and "spirituality."
Sensuous Sadie: While there are lots of BDSM writers, and lots of spirituality writers, you are both. How did you come to connect these two paths? Deborah Addington: "I don't know that I consider myself a BDSM writer, actually. I see myself as a writer who teaches and lives within the BDSM community. I've written two books, and neither of them is exclusively BDSM connected. The BSDM community is the one I've found most open to education in taboo sexual practice and it is my community of choice. It's where I experience the most comfort and freedom to express myself. My spirituality is the governing framework for my life and therefore my work; I am able to do what I do because of who I am, and my spirituality is a good chunk of what makes me who I am. It seems natural for who I am and what I do to be connected. For many, though, that type of a connection is a luxury; who they are and what they do are kept separate. Ideally, my work in kink and spirituality will help people find ways to integrate who they are with what they do; that makes for happier people and a better world."
Sadie: You specialize in piercing, ritual scarification and blood tattooing, writing that, "If you modify the body, you have literally changed the mind." And yet much of American culture is based on a separation of the body and mind. What’s an example of how a modification would affect the mind? Deborah: "You've touched on the reason I don't work out of a shop. Body modifications have taken on the flavor of fast food, and one can get modified almost anywhere for money. I don't work that way. I see what I do as facilitating a change to someone's inner- and outerscape; my skill helps people to get to the places they want to go. I want what I do to mean something both to me and the person I'm modifying. Anyone who gets modified has changed themselves, but I prefer a more personal environment than that afforded me in a shop. "Immediately noticeable, of course, is the sensation of a fresh modification. A new mod is a fairly demanding companion. If one wishes it to heal correctly, it requires attention, care and thought. You feel its presence; it’s a new addition to the landscape of your skin. You move, you notice it. You clean it, you feel it moving through and under your skin. You think about the ways it will enhance your play (if it's one of those kinds of mods) once it's healed. For many, a piercing (or any other modification) is a way of enhancing or reclaiming a part of one's self: making a body part more sensitive, or taking back a part that's had negative things happen to it. "Body modifications change the way we think about our bodies and our selves. One is literally never the same person after a modification; flesh has been displaced or removed to accommodate the modification; often, there's a permanent mark involved as an ever-present reminder of the choice one has made. When looked at in this fashion, one cannot help but have changed one's mind about one's body, and so one's self. As integrated beings, we cannot change one facet of ourselves without it having an effect on the others. We might want to think it works differently, but it doesn't. The sooner we come to that realization, the more effective we can be in our own evolutionary process. Altering the physical landscape alters the mental and spiritual as well, whether it's admitted or not; my goal is to help people change, and to notice what impacts those changes have on them as integrated beings." Sadie: You write that you consider "all forms of bloodplay - cutting, scarification, play piercing - as a physiospiritual way of accessing incredible intensity." What do you mean by this? Deborah: "We're triumvirate beings: we have a body, a mind, and a soul or spirit. We're driven by the mandates of the spirit, governed by the rationale of the mind, and the body is the vehicle for experiences. This triumvirate has its own system of checks and balances. We might get a mandate from the spirit, an impulse or gut feeling that isn't appropriate to the time or circumstances at hand. The mind belays the order, postponing or canceling the impulse. The body is the vessel for the mind and soul; without the body's continued success, the soul and mind cease to be in the forms we understand. Without a spirit to animate it, a mind and body pair are of extremely limited usefulness. Physiospirituality is the deliberate use of the body as both tool and receiver for spiritual experience, as opposed to being surprised at how a physical experience can connect us to our spirits. The intensity of a modification takes you right out of your self, and simultaneously slams you right in to your immediate physical awareness. It's riding the dragon between the two that creates intensity. It is a challenge to maintain awareness on both levels simultaneously, but being able to do so is the framework for the most intense experiences a human can have. "We up the ante in that framework with bloodplay. It's a powerful thing, blood. It's often seen as the essence of life; it's sacred in most cultures and religions. Opening the flesh to let blood out heightens one's awareness of both the vulnerability and power of the flesh; those aspects of flesh combined with the expression of spirit make for incredible experience." Sadie: You describe a wonderful idea called the Body Between, saying that, "When we exchange energies, we create a third entity: The Body Between. It's that Body that lets us get as close to god as possible while wearing skin." Can you expand on this idea? Deborah: "Let's say I'm playing with someone I really like. I've invested the time and energy to be present in this encounter; so have they. I bring Who I Am to the encounter; so do they. What we do isn't me, and it isn't them. It's us. That ‘Us’ is a third entity, a thing in and of itself, composed of pieces of each of us but taking its own shape and form: The Body Between. The participants can somewhat guide and shape that Body, but not control it. I'm sure you've noticed that sometimes a scene intended to go a certain way just sort of veers off in a different direction, one that no one could have predicted, but feels incredibly ‘right’? You follow that feeling, and you end up with an amazing scene, one that takes the breath away. That's the Body Between at work. That Body isn't corporeal; it isn't wearing skin. It dwells in the realm of spirit, manifesting because it's been summoned. It is dependent on and connected to those who created it; simultaneously, it's connected to beings who are wearing skin. Acknowledging that Body, including it in one's practice, connects one to the Divine. To touch that Body is to touch Source, to touch God." Sadie: What is your religious background? In what ways did it affect your approach to BDSM? Deborah: "I used to joke that I was a Frisbeeterian (we believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it down). I was raised Presbyterian. It gave me a firm foundation in Christian rhetoric and dogma, of which many of the principles are sound. It also served to reinforce the sociocultural mandates of the day, leaving me to believe certain things I have since discovered aren't exactly true. It affected my approach to BDSM by leaving me guilt-ridden about my desires and feeling like I was going to Hell. Those feelings made me closely examine what I called God and to decide what was right for me, instead of the blanket idea that there is only One True Way to do anything. There is no ‘right’ way to do this thing called life; there's only right and wrong for the individual. From that point of departure, I was able to explore what suited me and what didn't, which consequences I was willing to accept as a result of my actions and which ones I didn't want to deal with. "People have an uncanny knack for mistaking unpleasant for bad, extreme for wrong and their truth for The Truth. Take away those value judgments on the actions of self and others, and a whole new world of possibility opens up. There is a catch, though: personal culpability. Whatever one chooses, one is responsible for the consequences, and not everyone wants to do that much work. My religious background—which includes dabbling in a bit of most everything—led me to the conclusion that I get to do this (life, BDSM, whatever) my way, as long as I'm willing to clean up after myself." Sadie: The first article I read of yours was "God Wears Black Leather; Kink and the Unitive Experience" which was published by the Endless Knot. In this you write that, "My meditative practices take me to other places; rich, darkly-textured places, caves of heaven and clouds of sweetness that have nothing to do with incense." This line really turned me on. Deborah: "Thank you. I enjoy turning people on." Sadie: What is some of the advice that you give to people who are starting to explore the BDSM spirituality connection? Deborah: "There is no wrong way to do this. God doesn't give a shit. There's no Great Omniscient DM in the sky keeping score. If it feels right to you, go there. If it doesn't, stop. Don't judge your own experience and be willing to clean up any messes you make. And remember: Pain is necessary; suffering is optional." Sadie: You write, "Kink is a path that leads inward; it is a journey of spirit encased in a body, a path that leads to the Place Where God Dwells." Do you think that using BDSM as a transformational tool to take you to the spiritual place can create a false connection between the two? In other words, if spirituality is always linked with BDSM, can one or the other somehow get corrupted? Deborah: "I don't think there can be a false connection between the two, any more than one can falsely connect sugar and sweet—or separate them, for that matter. Certainly, one is always free to mislead or delude one's self, but that would be the source of any ‘corruption’ that might occur. People are magnificent geniuses at finding ways to validate any hypothesis. If someone wants to use BDSM as an excuse to misbehave, they're going to. Stupidity is, unfortunately, not a crime and carries no penalties other than personal consequence. People prefer to blame others for consequences, as a rule; for some reason they see that as easier than being responsible. "Spirituality is linked to everything I do; my spiritual pursuits shape my sense of right and wrong. That sense of right and wrong—my personal integrity—informs my choices. The idea of corruption can only be entertained if more than one set of rules to live by has been created; that jumble of rules dependent on context creates loopholes in the psyche through which most people are extraordinarily willing to jump. In my experience, those leaps of logic--and ‘faith’--don't lead anywhere good. I prefer to make honest mistakes and own them. "Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that I walk around with my head in the clouds. I get distracted by bright, shiny objects just as much as the next person. I have chosen my evolution to be core to my experience in this skin, so everything I do is connected to my spirituality one way or another. I don't need to be sitting in the lotus position to hear the voice of God, and I don't have to be flogging someone to bliss to exercise my spirituality." Sadie: A number of readers I know do not integrate spirituality into their sexuality, and in fact think the whole thing is a bit silly. They just wanna have fun! Deborah: "As if fun is somehow in direct opposition to spirituality!" Sadie: Do you believe that the spiritual element is present whether or not they want to tap into it, or is it always present? Deborah: "I am always amazed at the lengths folks will go to trying to get way from themselves, as if they somehow could. Why do we have this idea that to get close to God we need to be miserable? When I'm having the most fun, when I'm deepest in my bliss, I feel closer to God than at any other time. If I were that kind of God, I'd want that from my kids; I'd want a whole world filled with laughter and tears and rage and cries of passion mixed together, with no one judging their laughing or their crying. That would be music to my ears. The spiritual element is always present; what varies is our level of conscious awareness of the spiritual element. One need not believe in rain to get wet." Sadie: What are the parameters that you think need to be present for sub or Dom space to move into a more spiritual realm? Deborah: "Willingness to notice, to pay attention, is key. It's amazing what one begins to see when one is willing to look. Just admitting that kink might possibly perhaps somehow be connected to some sort of spiritual practice admits the possibility of a wider range of experience. Any room remains dark until one notices a light switch on the wall. Then one gets to choose whether or not to turn on the light, when and for how long. And that brings us right back to personal culpability; it's easier for people to whine about how dark it is than admit there might be a light; harder still for people to take responsibility for turning the light on. For anyone to move into a more spiritual realm they must be willing to accept the possibility that there might just be another realm to investigate. Sadie: In a similar vein, some people feel that spirituality infuses every aspect of their lives, so they consider questions about integrating spirituality into their BDSM practice to be meaningless. Others believe that it’s important to consciously bring an awareness of your higher power into your activities. Where do you fall on this continuum? Deborah: "All over. It depends on what I'm after. I try to live deliberately, to be a willing, conscious participant in my own life. Every breath is a choice; nothing happens by accident. Who I am right this minute is a conglomeration of every choice I've ever made in my entire life, from choosing not kill the idiot in front of me on the road to choosing to wear the purple socks instead of the black ones. Sometimes I go into an activity with the specific intent of using that activity as a ‘spiritual’ experience; it's like setting up an altar and preparing myself for a ritual. It isn't always appropriate to treat an experience in that fashion; sometimes I go into things with nothing more than a heart full of joy and playfulness, the fulfillment of which is my goal. The important thing, as far as I can tell, is keeping one's actions in line with one's intent. It's perception and awareness that govern integration, not specific types of experience." Sadie: You’ve written that, "Religions are so popular because they're so much less work with virtually no personal culpability at all. Do right by the rules, and you're heaven-bound. Should you screw up, beg forgiveness according to prescribed practices and you're back in the game." I can imagine some of the religious hard liners spitting acid at this opinion of yours. Don’t you think that there are many religions who offer a broader approach, such as Buddhism, Taoism, some Native American practices and even some historically Christian approaches such as Unitarian Universalists? Deborah: "The world is divided into people who think they are right. I don't think that any religion offers a ‘broader’ approach than any other religion. More flexible in some cases, perhaps, but no broader. They all cover the same territory. Religions espouse and attempt to explain Truth; unfortunately, some religions concretized the metaphors around the expression of Truth and made them into rule sets instead of groups attempting to live by mutually agreed-upon governing principles. ‘Thou shalt not kill’ is a good example of concretization of a Truth. If you're going to kill someone, you should know why you've chosen to do so, and be ready for the consequences. That's a really good idea, but a religion simplified it for the masses by making it a hard rule: Don't kill. If you do, you go to Hell, unless you beg forgiveness. Religions that preach contrition instead of culpability are rampant and create more opportunities for people to do what they think they can get away with instead of doing what falls in line with their personal integrity. It's easier for them to adopt a pre-set rule system, break rules as needed, beg forgiveness, and move on. Every breath should be a conscious choice; only then do we have the power to choose who we are, and who we are to become. "I don't have any quarrels with any religion. I have problems with zealots and fanatics of any stripe. If a certain religion helps an individual develop their own sense of right and wrong, giving them a sense of comfort and a stable foundation from which to act, I am in favor if it. If I ruled the world, people would be free to practice any religion they wanted, but they'd have to commit to it for personal reasons, not social pressure. The Amish have a great practice: at age 16, their youths are encouraged to go out into the world and have lots of experiences. Should they decide, after their time in the world, to ‘join Church,’ they are absolved of anything they might have done out in the world and welcomed into the fold. They are expected from that point on to live by the rules of the Church. Either way, they are provided with the data and opportunity to make an informed choice, and permitted the liberty to do so. That seems incredibly wise and sane to me. Being baptized as a baby and expected to live eternally within the confines of a religion makes one religious just about as much as walking into McDonald's makes one a Big Mac." Sadie: A few months ago I had a discussion with another BDSM author about niche books in the niche BDSM bookshelf, and your book on vaginal fisting came up. I can’t help but wonder how you wrote an entire book about this subject? Deborah: "Sometimes I can't help but wonder the same thing myself. But the research and development were great fun." Sadie: You teach a number of classes in the BDSM arts. Which are your favorite(s) to teach? Deborah: "I don't have a favorite per se. I love teaching everything on my list; I wouldn't do it otherwise. At present, perhaps because it's new, the Erotic Roleplay class is proving to be immense fun to teach. I love hearing other people's ideas running wild from their own imaginations. That really fires me up." Sadie: You write, "Let God touch you, and hear the whispered ‘I am here, and having a swell time!’" I particularly love this line because it expresses the depth and lightness of the God experience. How did you come to understand spirituality this way? Deborah: "Kink has afforded me the luxury of indulging myself in the things we're not ‘supposed’ to do. I've done pretty out-there stuff; I have yet to be reprimanded for my naughtiness with a lightning bolt from Heaven. I've done lots of the things we are supposed to do; I have yet to have a dove land on my shoulder with God's voice saying, ‘This is my daughter, with whom I am well-pleased.’ What I get after any experience, supposed to or not, is a chance to look in the mirror and see if I can live with the person who's done those things. "We are all a part of the Divine. We are all cut from the same cloth, though no two of us are exactly alike. It is that diversity, that scope of possibility, that makes the Universe infinite. If we are in line with the Self—body, mind and spirit—then we are in line with the Divine. The only way to figure out Who We Are, let alone if we can live with it or not, is trial and error. Through my trials, my errors and my successes, I have learned a lot about Who I'm Not. I'm still discovering Who I Am, and I expect the journey will take me the rest of my life." Sadie: Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers? Deborah: "Only this, from Robert Louis Stevenson: Don't loaf and invite inspiration. Light out after it with a club." Sadie: Thank you for chatting with me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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