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bindherup@yahoo.com
SENSUOUS SADIE: I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN INVOLVED IN THE BDSM COMMUNITY
FOR SOME TIME. PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT THIS.
BINDER: My first day in the BDSM community was the day I looked up a
club on yahoo, saw that a munch was happening that evening, and donned
my black clothes. I simply walked up and said, "Hi. I'm
new." Normally I'm a shy person, but I was so excited to
finally be meeting other people like myself. For a while it was
confusing, meeting new people all the time, trying to find my place.
Like any community, BDSM has its ups and downs, friction, and every kind
of personality that's made. But my first few years in Upstate New
York were made much easier by the sense of belonging I found in the
community. Coming from a west coast suburb, to college, to this
region, I'd lived in a few different places, but usually had friends who
were like me in most other ways.. only most of the time they weren't
kinky. Not only was the community a place where I could find my
kinky self, it was also one in which people from every walk of life were
thrust together. While we have some common threads, we are cut
from a multitude of cloths.
SS: ARE YOU INVOLVED IN ANY FORMAL BDSM GROUPS? (LIKE APEX, ROSE &
THORN ETC.) WHAT KINDS OF THINGS TO YOU DO WITH/FOR THEM? WHERE DO YOU
LIVE?
B: I do belong to a few formal BDSM groups, and I founded one of my own.
The Power Exchange at SUNY Albany is currently out of service, but still
exists. This was the idea of a friend of mine, and she has since
moved away. Having attempted leadership of a brand new club, I can
say that I truly appreciate the hard work that goes in to any BDSM
organization. At the moment, the same busy life that has put the
PE at SUNYA on the back burner prevents me from doing more in the
community. But the younger generation remains a primary concern of
mine, and I enjoy discussing or working on it any chance I get.
SS: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PHILOSOPHY/APPROACH AS IT PERTAINS TO
THE BDSM LIFESTYLE? ARE YOU DOMINANT, SUBMISSIVE, SWITCH?
B: I am a switch, but the label means little to me. For me, the
emotions that fuel BDSM desires are often not much different from those
that are common in the vanilla world.
I see BDSM as a system of feelings, desires, and activities.
Sometimes we borrow elements from the world around us.. cops and
prisoners, doctors, nurses and patients, teachers and students, knights,
damsels, and vampires… etc. etc. These roles already include a
power/pleasure dynamic. But in BDSM, the pleasure and eroticism
are made more visible. While roles, both permanent and temporary,
are a major aspect of the BDSM lifestyle, I think that what makes BDSM
so unique is that one need not play any role at all. In vanilla
life, I've found that interactions between men and women, in particular,
are filled with expectations and stereotypes. (Men pursue, women
resist, men cheat, women tease… etc.) Most of the time, they are
taken for granted.. I have a number of vanilla friends who treat dating
and sex with a great deal of cynicism and ill-will. Granted, we've
all been injured in that way before. But while the vanilla world
often works like a game with a host of unwritten rules, BDSM is markedly
different. The rules of the game are held up to great scrutiny, we
debate them often, and usually with a sense of maturity and mutual
respect. Some of the stereotypes of vanilla life are directly
refuted, for example, women in BDSM often know their own sexuality and
aren't afraid to exercise it as they wish, express it frankly, and have
a lot of fun with it. Likewise, I have met more men in BDSM than
anywhere who's desire for sex is as healthy as the next, yet they don't
feel the need to exaggerate or act upon it rudely. While we may
have a particular flair for role playing (and a knack for doing it with
great style), the lifestyle tends not to assume any particular role for
anyone. Masculinity and Femininity are subject to revision and
reassignment, and sometimes thrown right out the window. This, I
think, is what gives us the greatest freedom – to make of sex and
intimacy what we will.
And so, the role of switch is what suits me best. I cannot be
beholden to any particular role for very long, because for me they are
all tools, just like the toys in one's toy bag. Taking up a role
can be a way to expand the self, express particular feelings, or satisfy
one's partner. Ideally, I like for it to be all three. For
some, ever deeper identification with one role is the key to
fulfillment, and I have great appreciation for the dedication and effort
that goes into that. But I have no particular connection to any
one role. There is so much to try and enjoy in the world of BDSM,
I feel that my whole range of emotions is best served by keeping my
options open.
SS: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW THE BDSM COMMUNITY IS CHANGING AS
IT MOVES INTO THE NEW MILLENNIUM?
B: The BDSM community is definitely changing. When kinky people
could only meet each other through personal contacts, with significant
risks to their professional and family lives, or worse, it took a
considerable commitment to be a part of it at all. Now, it can
take very little, and as newer generations come into it, they will
perceive fewer and fewer risks. This is mostly a very good thing,
as more people than ever can be open about their kinks. But people
are also more likely to think that there is no reason to organize.
I think that we need to seriously take stock of the community, and how
it is organized, to figure out what it is that we are offering, and why
people want to join it. Many people join only because they are
looking for partners. Rarely, people are looking for someone to
abuse, and it does not serve us well when they succeed. This is
one reason that I think organizing only for partner pick-up is not
enough. A network of friends, who share knowledge and keep an eye
on each other is, unfortunately, necessary. Reaching out to
newcomers, especially, is something we need to do to protect each other.
While young people may feel uninhibited in their preferences,
discrimination is still a problem. The NCSF is providing a great
service to people who are in danger of losing their children or their
jobs, and educating public officials. But this kind of action
cannot work without all of us communicating and providing support at the
local level. We also need to exchange knowledge, skills and
support with one another. Organizing can help us in learning how
to play safely, getting new ideas, and helping each other through
relationships.
But ultimately, the community needs to provide whatever the next
generations need. The people who come to the community are going
to become increasingly diverse. We will encounter every stripe of
kink, and some forms that maybe we haven't even thought of yet.
There will be people who want to commit wholeheartedly to a BDSM
lifestyle, and people who only want to be kinky once in a while.
So we, as the existing community, need to be open to all these
possibilities, and responsive to the people who are seeking out others
like themselves.
SS: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT EDUCATING THE VANILLA COMMUNITY ABOUT WHAT
WE DO?
B: Educating the vanilla community is absolutely essential, in my
opinion. Like I mentioned above, significant aspects of vanilla
life are in need of change, and BDSM has much to offer in that area.
As a group of people who consciously pursue a different kind of love and
sexuality, many of us are exceptionally self-aware about those aspects
of our lives. I think this self-awareness could be a very good
influence on those parts of vanilla life that go unquestioned, and often
leave people very hurt.
If there's one thing I'd like to teach the vanilla world, it's that a
swat on the bottom, even a serious whipping, causes much less pain to
the body than irresponsibility and lack of respect can cause to the
heart and soul. The things we do are simply forms, but what
determines the morality or worth of any relationship or sexual encounter
is the way in which people treat one another. I hope that
educating our vanilla friends and neighbors can encourage at least some
people to question assumptions about love and sex.
In addition, people who have never seen a positive image of BDSM, but
feel a strong interest in it, could misinterpret an abusive relationship
as a solution for their unresolved desires. This is putting people
through unnecessary risks. Educating the vanilla community is
perhaps the only way to reach significant portions of people who would
really like to explore BDSM, but are afraid, or believe that it is
violent, wrong, or indecent. Fighting these misperceptions is a
daunting task, but one I feel is very important for the well-being of
kinky people both inside and outside of the community.
SS: HOW HAS BDSM CHANGED YOUR LIFE? IF YOU HAD A CHOICE, WOULD YOU
RATHER HAVE BEEN A REGULAR "VANILLA" PERSON?
B: Finding BDSM has helped me to grow in a number of ways. I
learned to separate my body image from my ability to be sexual. I
gained confidence. From BDSM I found whole new ways of looking at
the body and what it does. I learned that the beauty of what the
body feels and expresses is no less valuable than the way it looks, and
in fact, is often more valuable. Creating an aesthetic out of
body, sensation, color, light and sound can be, for me, a deliciously
subversive act. It breaks the boundaries of what people normally
expect the body to do and be. There's something highly
transgressive about combining elements that aren't supposed to be, like
a soft moan and a garment of smooth velvet, with a harsh, bright light
and lengths of tough, gnarled rope.
For the second question, I still am vanilla in many ways. I enjoy
a good old-fashioned quickie, without any power exchange. I like
to think of sex as love-making, in its more tender and sensitive
moments. But if I could choose not to get aroused by bondage and
power exchange, I would definitely still feel that way. A variety
of flavors is so much more interesting. I'm not so sure anyone can
really be 100% vanilla. Compared to some of my 99% kinky friends,
I'm hovering somewhere around 65%. And I believe a good portion of
that has little to do with body chemistry and much to do with fairy
tales and fantasy. Sure, a good spanking has some lovely and
unique feelings to it, but I've never fantasized about one. I
fantasize about things I've seen in movies like Labyrinth, and music
videos ("Hungry like the Wolf" comes to mind). I
fantasize about places, clothes, smells… icons. While some of us
pursue these feelings as a major part of our life, many people also feel
attracted by the same things. Perhaps I wanted to seek them out
more than others because I didn't see myself being successful in the
world of regular sex and romance. When reality doesn't look good,
fantasy can become much more appealing.
SS: ARE YOU CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, CAN YOU TELL ME A LITTLE
BIT ABOUT IT? IF NOT, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER?
B: My partner prefers to keep these things private, so I can only talk
about him as male, and as a switch who prefers submission.
BDSM is not the basis of our relationship, which is how I like it to be.
Most of the time, we behave like vanillas, and often have vanilla sex.
But since he was new to BDSM when we met, we've had great fun exploring
one bit of it at a time. In a longer-term relationship like this,
the psychological aspects have become more important. It's an
adventure for both of us.
SS: ANY PET PEEVES ABOUT THE BDSM LIFESTYLE IN GENERAL?
B: First, I have a pet peeve about downplaying the importance of sex.
Yes, there are many other important aspects of BDSM. But the
erotic is key. Power exchange by itself just doesn't seem complete
to me. Erotic power exchange is a big part of what makes BDSM so
interesting and unique. Denying its importance could make BDSM
seem more "decent", or legitimate, to some, but I think this
like cutting out a major organ to make the creature seem better, when
questioning its value is not a valid one to begin with.
Second, I have a pet peeve about neglecting emotion, particularly
emotions that are fairly mainstream. The desire to submit and the
desire to dominate are often painfully intense, and many people live
those desires with great passion and beauty. But this doesn't
negate the existence of other emotions. I can't help but think
that subsuming the whole personality in submission or dominance is a
form of escape, and that even the most committed Doms and subs need a
certain amount of space for maintaining the self.
I guess in my heart I still like the old vanilla notion that love and
sex should be intermingled for best results. What does it mean
that we would want to put one or both aside in favor of power exchange?
I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just that I think it's so
wonderful when all three are working together in harmony. I have a
very innate negative reaction to treating intimacy as only an exchange..
mutually satisfying an urge with no tenderness, and not very much mutual
understanding. Sure, I've done this, a number of times, and some
of them weren't bad at all, in fact, some of them were very important
experiences for me. But it often left me feeling very unhappy, all
the effort of finding a partner and negotiating the exchange seemed
wasted when there was no intimate connection to keep it going later.
Are there others out there who feel this way? Do they prefer
long-term power exchange, even if it isn't sexual? Or do they
prefer an emotional connection that happens to have power exchange and
possibly sex involved? I definitely lean towards the second one.
My peeve, really my fear, is that negotiating exchanges, with or without
sex, could be the norm within the community, overshadowing the
possibility of love.
SS: DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULAR AREAS OF EDUCATION OR SPECIALIZATION THAT
YOU WOULD LIKE TO EDUCATE OUR READERS ABOUT?
B: The one area I think I have some special information about is the
future generation of BDSMers. Younger people are exposed to more
and more images involving fetish and BDSM. I only really started
to notice this after I got into the community, but now I see the things
my friends' younger siblings are looking at, and it's much more blatant.
And it's not always positive. Some of these images portray S/M as
only sexual, or as inherently "wild" and promiscuous.
They may be getting the idea that BDSM is a way to escape real life
issues in sex, or that "wild" ways of being sexual don't
require responsibility. I have seen this attitude show up
sometimes, when young men make passes based only on a profile that says,
"BDSM", and they then jump to the conclusion that the person
is a quick and easy lay, even if the profile explicitly says otherwise.
On the other hand, younger people are often interested in exploring many
different sides of their sexuality. BDSM may be one of these, but
they don't feel the need to focus on it exclusively. Some may be
looking to do something that crosses boundaries, and complicates
identities rather than collapsing them. College-aged people are
often exposed to more confrontational ways of being different, like
queer politics or AIDS activism, and might see S/M as something that
fits into their world view. They might be more attracted to fluid,
changeable roles and identities. This marks an even further shift
away from a highly structured scene with protocol and enforcement of
rules. I think the worst thing we could do would be to insist that
we do things the way they were done before, and alienate many young
people. We need to avoid setting up rigid expectations on kinky
behavior, while still emphasizing the need for safety and
responsibility. Taking the lifestyle so seriously that we can't
laugh about it, deciding for other people what their roles are,
declaring that one way is better than another (while neither is safer
than the other) are all ways that people can be alienated. It may
be difficult to strike a balance between the traditions and values that
many of us share, and the flexibility to allow the community to grow.
But it's something I think we need to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous
Sadie is the author of It's Not
About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html).
She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of
Rose
&
Thorn
,
Vermont
's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing
in most venues.
Copyright
2003 Sadie Sez Publications
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