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NOTE FROM SADIE: This is a combined
interview/discussion with Katie, Marco and TJ, several
"disgruntled" scene players from around the country. Over the
last few years I've heard a number of increasingly concerned voices
about some of the things that are happening in the scene. Few of these
people are willing to speak out, which is understandable because the
people in their community would probably be hurt and angry. However, I
felt that what they have to say is valid and should be heard, if only to
stimulate conversation on where we are going as a community. I sent
these questions to three people in the scene and asked them to reply
freely and anonymously. All of them have years of experience in BDSM and
have been active in the management of their community groups. Names have
been changed.
Sadie: First, can you tell me a little bit about your background in
BDSM, and how you've been active so far.
Katie: "I've been a submissive since my early 20s, let's just
say over 20 years ago. I started out as a bottom, with an interest in
the fun stuff, and the journey grew from there. Today, I'm not sure how
to define it; it's the visceral parts I look for now. As far as
community, I have a wonderful circle of friends throughout New England
who are all involved in aspects of the larger D/s community, but we talk
about books and music and work and gardens far more than about D/s. Let
me clarify that my current journey is not really 'BDSM' related, but
more involved in Dominance and surrender to that, with BDSM as an
adjunct and tool, not a goal."
Marco: "I've known about my orientation since I was about
15, but didn't do anything about it until much later. That was back
before the Internet and e-mail made research an easy and private
matter. I was raised to believe that 'nice' people didn't do such
things; BDSM was what gay bikers did. As for my activity,
I attend local public and private events and I have a steady partner
with whom I play regularly."
TJ: "My first experience was in college. At the time I
didn't have a name for it, but, in retrospect, it was definitely BDSM.
My girlfriend was house sitting for one of her professors and she
invited me to join her for the weekend. She had a pair of handcuffs and
asked me if she could use them on me. I was reluctant, but I said yes.
She kept me cuffed for almost 2 days. She made me pee in a bottle and
invited one of her girlfriends over to play. Even then I preferred to be
in control, but it was exciting to me, at the age of 20, to be naked
with two sassy girls. A little humiliation was a small price to pay.
"More recently I've had several partners who like to submit, mostly
vanilla women who have feelings that they want to explore and are eager
to add a new dimension to bedroom activities. I've also led a local BDSM
group."
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: I used the word "disgruntled" in describing you as a
member of the BDSM community, but that's a bit dramatic sounding as you
are still involved in your community on several levels. Would a better
term be disaffected?
Katie: "No, 'disgruntled' is good. I don't actually think
there is a D/s 'community.' I have a lot of very good friends and
people I respect throughout New England who are involved with D/s to
different degrees and in different ways. I've become very disenchanted
with groups that identify themselves as 'D/s' or 'BDSM' groups, solely
with that focus. While there are some wonderful organizations involved
in teaching and mentoring and expanding people's awareness, there are
also some groups who simply use it as a cliquish excuse for kinky play.
I've found that these latter groups are very oriented toward the 'rack
em and whack em' form of BDSM, and are unaccepting, in fact intolerant,
of those individuals who follow different paths in D/s, including
domestic discipline, D/s without BDSM, adult age play, primal scenes, or
any of the other variations that exist in the broader community.
"An example was a play party that was set where there was a
required 'fetish' dress code. Those who said they preferred to scene in
other than leathers, corsets or other fetish wear were told they could
not attend. A Dominant who was going to lead his naked sub around on a
leash all night while wearing street clothes was considered not 'fetish'
enough to attend. This lack of intolerance in some groups is doubly sad,
given the societal judgments already made."
Marco: "I think a more accurate word is 'disgusted.'
However, disgruntled and disaffected work, too. But, on the one hand,
I'm glad there's a community in which to express myself in a safe
manner. But on the other hand, I find most of the people involved in
BDSM have issues. Granted, we all have issues but here are some
specific examples of people I have actually met (not just heard about).
-
A couple I know agree that without BDSM, they would not stick together.
- I know several people in the scene who seem perpetually unemployed and
yet somehow manage to find the resources necessary to make several
weekend trips a month to play events, despite continuous complaints by
them that 'money is tight'.
- A man at a party told me about having arranged to have somebody 'offed.'
- A man at a party told me about spending time in prison. I was deeply
concerned since that particular party was in my home so I insisted on
further research. Turns out, he was in prison for distributing child
pornography and immediately got uninvited to the local group.
"As for the couple who would not stay together if BDSM were not a
part of their lives, I realize I am being subjective when I think that
is a skewed focus but what would happen if one of them fell ill or got
injured to the point where play was no longer doable? Would they break
up and then have the injured party feel abandoned? I feel a strong
relationship needs more to its base than BDSM.
"Not to be judgmental, but I just feel that if you're dealing with
unemployment or low employment issues, your time and money would be
better spent trying to change that. Rather than spend money on toys
and/or fetish clothes and events, why not learn a marketable skill or
take a second job?
"These last two people are not people I am comfortable associating
with and it's very discouraging when such persons show up at BDSM
gatherings."
TJ: "Maybe. I guess I find it hard to feel respectful for
some people I meet in the BDSM community. With submissives it is often a
cloak for insecurity and neediness. And with Dominants it often appears
to me to be little more than play-acting. Dominance and submission exist
in the vanilla world too and, to me, it seems in many ways more honest,
more complete and more worthy of respect. For example, A Dom in the BDSM
world will take pride in owning and knowing how to use seven different
kinds of floggers. A vanilla dominant uses his/her abilities to raise
money for their church, coach little league, participate in political
and civic affairs, etc. In vanilla life there is more of an emphasis on
sharing. BDSM seems so relentlessly focused on sexual pleasure. It's
often very selfish."
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: Does this disaffection also include your own practice of BDSM?
Katie: "Not at all, since mine isn't about public play or
costuming – it's about intimate connection."
Marco: "No, but it limits my participation in public events
and my willingness to participate in local BDSM groups."
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: There is BDSM as you practice it in your private life, and BDSM
as in your connection and contribution to the community as a whole.
Where are you in this continuum? For example, some people keep their
play to the private sphere and some play mostly in public. Some people
just show up at local events, some travel constantly, and some simply
stay home.
Katie: "I don't see it as a continuum. Do I scene publicly?
No. Does that mean that I'm not intense about what I do? Again, no. I
enjoy being at D/s friendly parties and gatherings, because it's nice to
be with people with whom you don't have to say 1,000 times 'No,
submissive does not mean doormat.' I think it's a disservice, and in
some ways judgmental, to suggest that there is a 'continuum' that
involves private versus public play. They're just different paths,
apples and oranges.
Marco: "I have a strong connection to the local community
but I'm probably seen as private and reserved. I contribute where I can
but I have to admit that I don't consider myself an expert in any of the
BDSM 'skills.' I contribute with moral support and help in finding
answers, when asked. As for my play, I play in private with my partner
and in private (invitation only) parties. I am not comfortable with play
that is open to the general population.
"I don't feel that public munches in a public place are that safe
for expressing my BDSM side. Perhaps it's just what I'm used to, but I
prefer a more closed group (where members are screened) in a private
home to an 'open to whoever knows' group in a public (and very vanilla)
setting where your coworkers or neighbors may be."
TJ: "Mostly it's private for me. I occasionally attend
get-togethers in the local community, but, for the most part, I find
them tiresome."
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: Over the last few years, you have made some observations about
the scene, and the people in it. What did you observe, and how did you
come to those conclusions?
Katie: "There are wonderful people involved in D/s – smart
people with full lives. I have difficulty with people who identify
themselves solely by their D/s or BDSM orientation. Sure, it's an
important part of our lives. But so are careers, music, family,
communities, books, politics, friends. Yes, it's valuable to put time
into making safe places for people to express their D/s or BDSM
identities. But the people who identify themselves primarily by their
sexual or D/s orientation are also often those who are living marginal
lives in every other area. Life isn't solely about how long you can wear
clover clamps.
It's about leadership in the community and your family, and how you're
making your corner of the world a little better."
Marco: "I observed that a good number of people involved in
the scene are troubled with issues in their private life. And many of
them are narcissistic. I come to these conclusions subjectively, of
course. I feel that a number of people put more of their life
energy into BDSM than is healthfully balanced. I feel the same about the
coworker who works 80 hours a week or the friend of my partner who is
always doing something related to skiing. Where's the balance in these
folk's lives?
"I also find that a number of people in the BDSM scene truly allow
it (BDSM) to become their core identity. My partner and I enjoy
BDSM and the thrills it provides but we are individuals, too, with
family, a home, jobs, vanilla interests. BDSM is a part of who we are,
both together and apart, not the core of who we are.
"I'm just concerned that people use BDSM to maybe hide or create an
identity because it's 'easy.' By easy, I mean the clothing and hard
skills of flogger use, wax, bondage, etc. It's easy to look like you
know what you're doing. The soft skills of empathy and knowing when
enough is enough are more difficult to learn and grasp and
many people can't see beyond the physical hard skills and
appearance to understand what is happening during a scene. Not to
mention that all the trappings of visual BDSM still will not make up for
the fact they lack basic interpersonal skills such as conversing at a
party. If somebody can't carry a basic conversation about the weather or
the shrimp cocktail at the buffet, how can I expect them to understand
my needs in scene negotiation, let alone during play."
TJ: "I guess the primary observation is that my
participation in the community brings out the worst in me. I become
selfish and arrogant. I think this is because the focus of BDSM is kind
of a relentless pursuit of pleasure. It's not that I'm against pleasure,
but I think that there are many ways of enjoying life that are not so
centered on my you-know-what."
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: What would you like to change in your community as it stands now?
What do you think would actually help things?
Katie: "In the Vermont community, I truly hope that there
can be maturation to an acceptance of the different paths of D/s and
BDSM. Many people come and go, and it would be valuable to ask those who
have left the formal community why they left. While costume parties are
fun, I think it would be valuable to have some events that look at
different paths – domestic discipline, adult age play, primal scenes,
etc.
Marco: "Not to sound elitist but I'd certainly appreciate
seeing a higher caliber of participants at events. But, that's probably
not feasible so I guess what I'd like to see is more demos at the
monthly gatherings that focus on the 'soft' skills of BDSM, instead of
constantly being bombarded with 'hard' skill demos."
TJ: "I don't have any desire to change it. It seems to suit
the needs of the people who participate. I can find what I want
elsewhere."
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: Do you think that your approach to BDSM and the community has
changed, or do you believe there is a very real change happening out
there?
Marco: "I think it's a simple as the saying, 'familiarity
breeds contempt.'
~~~~~<<>>~~~~~
Sadie: What are the good things that you see in the community today?
What are you looking forward to?
Katie: "Throughout New England, which is the community I'm
familiar with right now, I'm thrilled to see energy, exploration, and an
acceptance, no, an embracing, of the different and wondrous paths people
are exploring."
Marco: "The good things are there are a few stable people
whom my partner and I have befriended. With these people, we are able to
express our BDSM sides in safe and non-judgmental ways. Which is also
true of the local 'munches.' As for what I am looking forward to? I
always look forward to dressing fetish at a monthly munch."
Sadie: Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Marco: "Only that as subjective and judgmental as I may
sound, when it comes down to it, I'm OK with how people choose to spend
their time and money. I'm not going to argue with anybody about their
choices, but if they ask me, I may say something they don't want to
hear. But, I make my choices, too, and I choose to keep BDSM a part of
my life, not the reason for my being.
"And, while I may feel some people allow BDSM to dominate (ha! no
pun intended) their lives, I'm also thankful to some of those people for
learning what they've learned and sharing it with us in the form of
books and demonstrations at parties, conventions, etc. Every interest
needs its obsessive types to make things better."
Sadie: Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you enjoyed this interview, read more SCENEprofiles with BDSM
personalities on Sadie's website at www.sensuoussadie.com
Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex,
and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. Read an excerpt at
http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html. She is the founder and
leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting
can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at
www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and
that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows
reprints of her writing in most venues.
Copyright 2004 Sadie Sez Publications
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