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Sexy Jokes

Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me."

The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest."

"No."

"Was it Rosie Ryan?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed hussy Bridget O'Reilly?"

"No."

"Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

Okay, so this guy goes to the bar on St. Patrick's Day. He's really drunk and has to go pee.  So he goes to the bathroom and sees a leprechaun at the urinal with an 18 inch penis.

He says:  "Hey, are you a leprechaun?"

"Why yes I am," the Leprechaun replied.

"So do I get three wishes because I found you?"

"Of course."

"My first wish is for a million dollars."

"Your wish is granted.  The money is in your savings account."

"Okay.  And I want a Porsche."

"Granted.  It's in the parking lot and the keys are in the glove box."

"Also I wanted the Swedish Bikini Team as my personal sex slaves."

"Granted.  They're sitting at your table right now."

"Wow.  That's pretty good.  Thanks"

"No problem,"  said the leprechaun.  "But now I want something from you."

"What's that?"

"I want you to let me fuck you in the ass."

"What?  With that monster cock no way!"

"Come on.  I've set you up for life!"

"Well, alright but make it quick."

So the leprechaun is butt-fucking this guy. After a little while the guy yells, "Owww. I can't believe how much this hurts!"

"I can't believe you still think I'm a leprechaun."

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Two leprechauns have a bet, so to settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! It's a leprechaun!"

The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"

"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."

"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland that are my size?"

"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."

"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in the entire world that are my size?"

"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"

"Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you fucked a penguin!"

Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train, walks into his favorite pub. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Connor," says the bartender, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says the bartender, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town." I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. 

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers.

The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Do you have any St. Patrick's day BDSM Art or Humor to share? Please send it to me at: SensuousSadie@aol.com. Thanks, and Happy St. Patrick's Day!

~ Sadie