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Starting a BDSM Group
Part I: Why are groups formed (i.e., what are the needs of group members)? Part II: What things can threaten a group? Part III: How can groups accommodate member needs and minimize threats?
Part I: Why Are Groups Formed? The first and most important thing to remember about any group or organization is that it exists to serve common values and purposes of its members. To the extent it does so effectively, it flourishes… to the extent it does not do so, it will wither and die. It follows that the first thing to look at are our common values and goals. What are they, anyway? Here are my ideas as to the common values and goals of our members: A sense of community and context The most common thing I hear from those new to the lifestyle is how wonderful it is to learn they are not alone in their needs in the D/s lifestyle. Where before, they had felt like very lonely misfits, they now felt like a part of a community. Never, ever, underestimate the emotional value of learning you are not alone in the world. Tolerance and mutual respect We are all interested in, if not devoted to, a lifestyle that many misinformed or biased outsiders find intolerable. We hear it from family, friends, coworkers and many others. This is an equally more important issue internally, as there are many, many avenues down which the lifestyle can take us… and no one will follow precisely the same path. For example, people can love or hate the cuttings… infantilism… directed bisexuality…sm vs. mental dominance… humiliation… etc. But we give the gift of toleration to those following different paths than ours, because we have also learned how wonderful it is to receive the gift of tolerance. The Opportunity to Learn and Grow A group can provide incredible opportunities to learn about the lifestyle and about ourselves. For example, we can become more proficient with floggers (grin); we can learn how to help a submissive be better able to communicate with her dominant; or we can learn more about hygiene and safety. In fact, I have never gone to a munch or a play party where I haven’t learned something, even if only through observation. Further, with the increased experience of our members comes increased safety and better chances of ensuring that each scene is rewarding for all participants. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought of how much more rewarding some past experiences would have been had I known then what I know now… and I think that’s the same for everybody in the lifestyle. Access to information. In addition to learning more, just the availability of information and the knowledge of how to seek it out are important to us. Information on good stores, good (and bad) suppliers, fun things to do with everyday implements, etc. A Chance to Meet People I have met many people I admire in the different groups, and some I am now very proud to call friends. I like lifestylers, because I find them to be (generally) sane, rational, outgoing, respectful of others, honorable, honest and fun! Those of us looking for partners in the lifestyle know that the Internet and the groups are by far the best places to meet and get to know someone else. It is abundantly clear the internet is far and away the most significant and fundamental thing that has changed the lifestyle, primarily because it has given people the chance to meet others with some degree of anonymity and to safely express and explore our feelings and interests. It also has let so many of us learn and understand that we are not alone in our interests, and that those interests are not sick. However, the transition from on-line to reality is often a difficult (and potentially dangerous) one to make, especially for single female submissives. Groups can, and should, support our ability to make that transition. It is abundantly clear the internet is far and away the most significant and fundamental thing that has changed the lifestyle, primarily because it has given people the chance to meet others with some degree of anonymity and to safely express and explore our feelings and interests. It also has let so many of us learn and understand that we are not alone in our interests, and that those interests are not sick. However, the transition from on-line to reality is often a difficult (and potentially dangerous) one to make, especially for single female submissives. Groups can, and should, support our ability to make that transition. A chance to let our hair down (or shave it off) and play! There’s no question that an opportunity to play is important to each of us. I attended two munches this past year where there was to be no play party afterward… attendance at each munch was way down! At least part of the attractiveness of a munch and a play party is that my submissive and I can be ourselves without worrying too much about what anyone was going to say or think (remember, tolerance). We could be free to express ourselves. If you think that’s not important, think again. Safety and security (this includes privacy) This is a gloss on everything I’ve said so far. We can meet as a community safely and securely. We can play safely and securely. We can meet new people and form relationships relatively safely and securely. We can learn and grow in the lifestyle safely and securely. And we can fulfill ourselves and actualize ourselves safely and securely. Every newcomer needs some protection at first; sometimes they need it from themselves. Established members need that protection too. A group can provide this in many areas. Informed Consent Despite what people can read in novels, this lifestyle, to survive in our society, must be predicated on the consent of its participants. That consent, moreover, must be an informed consent. Consent by someone who does not know what he or she is consenting to, is worthless. That is why many lifestylers refer to slavehood, rather than slavery, so that the voluntary nature of the relationship is recognized. Belonging to a group, and having access to the experience of group members and to other people in the community, furthers each of our ability to make decisions and to give (and take) power and control in an informed manner. On a personal note, one of the most disheartening things I’ve seen in the lifestyle is a submissive that has been kept isolated from the community and from others by her Dominant. While such isolation is a very effective means of establishing and maintaining dominance, it is also a very effective means of limiting a person’s growth and of limiting that person’s ability to make informed decisions with respect to the lifestyle. It is one of the few things in the lifestyle that I have seen on occasion that I find difficult to tolerate. Further, I firmly believe that the most rewarding, fulfilling and satisfying thing a person can do in the lifestyle is to mentor people. Introducing newcomers to the D/s community and watching them blossom and grow into sane and happy persons who can give or accept the gift of submission freely and with discrimination, carries with it a sense of satisfaction that is indescribable. Conclusion In summary, common interests of those who are either actively involved in the lifestyle or who are interested in becoming involved include: a sense of community; context; tolerance; mutual respect; the opportunity to learn and grow; access to information; the chance to meet people; the chance to let our hair down and play; safety and security; and the ability to make better informed decisions. To the extent a group furthers those common interests, it will be a viable group. ck
Part II: What things can threaten a group? This is the second in a series of articles on group formation. In the first article, the reasons for forming a group were discussed. The basic premise was that groups must serve the common interests of their members. Such interests include needs for a sense of community; context; tolerance; mutual respect; the opportunity to learn and grow; access to information; the chance to meet people; the chance to let our hair down and play; safety and security; privacy; and the ability to make better informed decisions. However, while it is important for a group to serve the common interests of its members, it is not enough to talk about what those common interests are. It is also important to consider those things that might threaten, hinder or distract a group from those goals. Thus, a second concern for each group is how it is organized or work to deal with threats to either the group or its members. This article will discuss this concern. What Are The Threats To Groups? Basically, threats to a group can be broken down into external threats and internal threats. External threats include treats from ideologically opposed groups or individuals, unwanted publicity (of either the group or its members), legal attacks or hindrances and competing interests or groups. Internal threats are things such as internal politics that weaken bonds among group members to the group and to each other. External Threats - Ideologically opposed groups or individuals They’re out there… and we all know it. Education of such individuals, groups or the general public may be helpful. However, our lifestyle is easily subject to public, political or media hysteria. This is especially true where it is seen as being on the cutting edge of acceptability and where (unfortunately) rogues who would not be accepted generally in our community can give the lifestyle a bad name. Stated simply, rogues will have a chilling effect on peoples’ willingness to accept or embrace the lifestyle. Education and self-policing seem to be the key here. Media Exposure The media can be a group’s friend…. But it can also be an enemy. People or groups under media scrutiny usually have much less control over what gets broadcast or printed than they would like, and it should always be remembered that it is controversy that helps televisions, newspapers and magazines sell advertising space. To the extent media involvement is ever sought or endured by a group, careful thought must be given to that involvement and steps should be taken to minimize the possibility of harmful exposure to the group or its members. Political/Legal Pressure Political and/or legal pressure can result from media hype, pressure, ideologically opposed groups or other considerations. With respect to political pressure, often not much can be done unless the group can enlist the support of other groups with political clout or get friendly media coverage. Accordingly, figure out who your potential allies are and prepare your 5 second sound bites if political pressure is brought to bear. Legal pressure can get very expensive and very messy. Contingency planning, a good lawyer and flexibility in approach may be the answer here. A group should remember, however, that protection of its members might be paramount. Care and internal discussion are called for before decisions are made that could result in outing of any members. Competing interests or groups It always saddens me that several groups have munches on the same day. I do my best to attend, but can’t be in two places at the same time. Other types of competition could include, for example, male only groups, pure leather groups, etc. The question to ask is what attracts members, and what their common needs really are. If another group meets these need better, change or disband. Internal Threats While external threats to groups are very real, internal threats are actually far more likely to occur and can be just as devastating. The following are the distractions that I feel are the most common and dangerous internal threats to a D/s group: Intolerance This is an alternate lifestyle. Its members are typically adventurous, flexible people who are strong and experienced enough to admit and to actualize their interests, even when those interests go against the accepted norms. We are risk takers, and would like others to tolerate and accept our commitment to this lifestyle, even if those others would not personally participate in it. To the extent we feel our safe, sane and consensual activities are being disparaged or are not being tolerated within our own group, we: (1) are dumbfounded; and (2) will not participate. It’s that simple. Lack of Recognition D/s groups are often informally organized, and frequently depend on the efforts and sacrifice of a small number of their members. To the extent this is one person, s/he is sometimes referred to as Supreme Dictator For Life or That Arrogant A$$hole. However, this person, or, more normally, these people, are what makes the group work! To fail to recognize and acknowledge the contributions of those individuals, to fail to give their ideas or thoughts due consideration, or, especially, to belittle their accomplishments or to criticize them unjustly, can lead to disillusionment, apathy and withdrawal. If those people do withdraw, others may not step up to take their place if they feel their efforts will be neither recognized nor rewarded, and/or if they feel they will only be set up as a target for sniping. And if no one steps up, and the things that make a group work are not being done, the group will falter. I want to stress something here. From what I’ve seen, this is the MOST COMMON avenue by which groups, even strong groups, can self-destruct. Further, is far more likely that a group would come to grief by this path than it would from ANY form of type of external influence or threat. Egos and Politics To the extent egos flare or politics interfere with a group’s functioning, they will threaten the group. First, when people attend a group meeting, they typically don’t want to be bothered by that stuff. It detracts from their ability to fulfill their individual needs with respect to the group and the lifestyle (See Part I). Life’s too short! Second, to the extent people are involved in politics or matters of the ego, they can’t be furthering the group’s values. Others’ trust and respect for those people, and their willingness to follow their lead, are diminished. In sum, the more the negatives of dealing with these issues outweighs the positives a person gets out of the group, the more likely it is that s/he will not participate. Stratification This is the flip side of the recognition concept discussed above, and applies to both individuals and small groups within a D/s group. A happy medium between each extreme is probably the best. The thought here is that even if someone is totally experienced or does all sorts of work to support the group and to help it function, that person should never automatically believe or act as if his/her opinions or actions should or will be followed or approved. That person is not the group. The primary risk here is that dissention, formation of factions and even splintering of the group can occur if that person fails to get input from the group or ignores the desires of the group or even of a significant minority within the group. Gossip/Criticism Gossip and criticism can hinder any group’s members’ needs in terms of safety, community, tolerance, emotional security and growth. Like I said, people like to let their hair down. They will not do so if they think their actions or beliefs will be talked about or criticized. Further, they may elect not to participate any more. Another concern I have about gossip personally is that whenever a person talks about someone else in my presence, I wonder what s/he might say about me outside my presence. The concern about criticism is especially important in the lifestyle, where there are no rules, only conventions, and where there are so many different paths people may follow. Remember, what’s one person’s hard limit may be another person’s dearest fantasy come true. Also keep in mind that what may really bother one person may not bother someone else at all. A little tolerance, restraint and tact is called for from all of us. Lack of Communication To the extent a group has common values, conventions, guidelines, rules, etc., they must be communicated. If they are not communicated, those new to the group cannot be expected to honor them. Many such values and conventions may be based upon common sense and experience… but again, someone new to the lifestyle may not have the experience to understand or follow them. As an example, I was in the lifestyle for several months before it dawned on me that when playing with a scantily clothed partner at a dungeon party, it would be both respectful of my hosts and hygienic to bring my own blanket that my submissive could lie on. This courtesy was never communicated to me… it is something a thoughtful or experienced dominant might think of... and it took me a while to get the experience (or have the thoughtfulness) to think of it. In sum, lack of communication can so easily cause unnecessary misunderstandings or flare-ups… why not avoid it? Money Money issues can easily splinter a group. The primary bone of contention usually is how dollars are used, especially if the budget is tight. Clear direction and setting of priorities usually helps to minimize this problem. Further, a good Treasurer who makes complete reports and keeps his/her records in impeccable shape is also necessary. Arguments over money only detract from the group’s unity. On the other hand, loss of the group’s money or fiscal irresponsibility can crater a group pretty fast. Non-common Interests To the extent members seek to impose non-common interests or values on others, dissention and splintering can occur. A good example of this is the way the abortion issue created a very wide and deep rift within the Democratic Party. External Politics Participation in external controversies can: (1) distract a group from its common or primary purpose; (2) divert resources inappropriately; and/or (3) create internal dissention among members. Participation in such issues can distract a group from its common purpose or alienate members who don’t agree with a group’s support of a particular external cause. Apathy Apathy follows from all of the above. Nuff said. Conclusion In sum, it isn’t enough that a group furthers its members’ common interests… a group should also be organized to avoid things that will threaten or distract it from its purpose or keep its members from fulfilling their common interests. This article has attempted to identify those threats and distractions. The next article will talk about how groups might be formed, and about questions that should be addressed in forming a group so that meeting member interests and dealing with threats and distractions can best be accomplished.
Part III: How can groups accommodate member needs and minimize threats? This is the third in a series of articles on group formation and group etiquette. In the first article, the reasons for forming a group were discussed. The basic premise was that groups must serve the common interests of their members. Such interests can include needs for a sense of community; context; tolerance; mutual respect; the opportunity to learn and grow; access to information; the chance to meet people; the chance to let our hair down and play; safety and security; privacy; and the ability to make better informed decisions. The second article discussed those things that might threaten, hinder or distract a group from those goals. Given the background established in the first two articles, this third article deals with the basic things to consider when forming a group. So what does a group need, then? A number of things, both visionary and practical. Visionary Needs: Purpose and Goals Let's start with the visionary things, as they are the things that shape the group. First, a group typically should have a defined set of goals... a purpose, if you will. The goals of the group, moreover, must further the goals of its individual members. Finally, these goals must be articulated and communicated. Otherwise, no one will join. At times, it may be important to define what a group’s goals and values aren’t. If a group is used by some of its members as a vehicle to support or further issues that others in the group are opposed to, the divisiveness that might result could paralyze or even destroy the group. As an example, certain email lists I am on will have members who occasionally post something on a subject or a cause that has absolutely nothing to do with the group's purpose. Because I do not wish to sort through items that are irrelevant to me, I delete them, but I also get the increased feeling that the group’s value to me has been diminished. If (as has, fortunately, not happened to date with respect to Lifestyle groups) the cause was something others) (or I were fundamentally in disagreement with, the resulting friction could be disastrous. A Plan Next, the group must devise either a plan delineating how it believes it can further the group's values, objectives and goals in a manner that will be acceptable to its members. The plan need not be detailed, but without a plan that at least puts a structure in place to determine how the group’s goals can be advanced, the group won’t last long at all. Membership Third, at least as far as organizational considerations are concerned, a group must have an idea of who its members should or should not be. Groups are, by definition, specialized subsets of a population, and operate to include like minded people and to exclude those who are not of like mind. We want people who are interested in D/s or BDSM. We don't want people opposed to those concepts in our groups. Past that, there may be other requirements. For example, people who do not subscribe to a Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) ethic are usually excluded. That includes rogue Dominants and predators. I'm sure no one would ever want to say the person responsible for the deaths in Kansas City recently was ever a member of their group. Similarly, exclusion of persons who are oglers, voyeurs or in it for the sex is normal. Other potential areas to look at are: Do you want couples or not? Do you want to have a balance between males and females (often there are more potential male members than female members)? Do you want a specific sexual orientation? Are certain activities (such as spanking) emphasized or not? What are norms regarding consent (in some spanking clubs, any top can spank any bottom, while in other clubs express consent is required). These are all issues that must be sorted out in advance. Those organizing a club, however, must keep in mind that they are requesting tolerance and respect from the rest of the population, and may want to exercise a bit of tolerance themselves. Otherwise, like the submissive who's requirements for a Dominant are so high no one could meet them (or, for that matter, the Dominant who has similarly unrealistic expectations of a submissive), the group's founders may find they have a small and lonely membership. It's a balancing act, like so many things in life are. The trick is to ensure commonality of purpose and to exclude members or issues that are detrimental to the group's purpose, while at the same time being tolerant of (and actually embracing) those differences that make each person unique. Nuts & Bolts Elements: Structure The next thing that is needed is a structure to make decisions, allocate resources, initiate actions, follow through on results and in general to keep the group running and reasonably focused on its purpose. There are many ways to structure a group. If it is large enough, only a few will be actively involved in leadership. Nevertheless, the form that leadership takes can vary from a Board of Directors, a Committee structure, Founders and other structures. Whatever structure it has, there are certain functions that the leadership of the group may wish to have, and there are a few do’s and don’ts those forming the group may wish to keep in mind. Whatever the structure, by-laws or some other form of governing rules should be adopted relatively early in the group’s formation. They must be well thought out and address both member needs and common threats. It is far easier for a group to function if the standards and rules of its operation are clearly set forth and agreed to. Mechanisms to modify such rules, after due consideration based upon the group’s experience, should also be built into the governing rules of the group. Functions Typically, for a group to run smoothly, it will have to have one or more of he following functions. Depending on the goals of the group, some functions listed below may be deemed beneficial, even if they are not required. President or Chairman (Required) - Keeps the group on track and helps align its activities with its direction or vision; provides leadership; acts as a focal point for communications and guidance; serves as a figurehead. A Vice President or Vice Chairman (at times, a Co-Chairman) (Advisable) - Acts in the absence of the Chairman; assists the President or Chairman in carrying out leadership functions. Treasurer (Required) – Handles and accounts for funds and makes sure the group is financially viable. This is an important position. Someone who has the experience or the mindset to do the job right should be found. Secretary (Required) - Records meetings (and sometimes manages all group communications). Note that some of these functions can be split out to be handled by a second person, such as an Email List Master, a Publications Person, a Website Manager, etc. Program Chair (Advisable) - Sets up and runs meetings and programs. Social Chair (Advisable) – Well, we are social people, aren’t we? Membership Chair (Advisable) – Handles Membership and Recruiting Issues. Outreach (Optional) – Handles Issues Relating to Non-Members and Outsiders, the Press, Governmental Units, the General Public. These functions can include: * Government Relations * Community Relations * Media Relations * Inter-Group Relations * Communications (Advisable) – Handles Communications Such As: Maintaining Web Sites Newsletters Emails and Email Address Lists Chat Rooms List Serves Bulletin Boards Special Projects (Optional) Defense/Protection of Members Conventions Relations With National Organization (if there is one) Education/Improvement Other (Play Space) Safety
Other Considerations Given these functions, a group could easily have a structure that is too large and too cumbersome. However, many of these functions can be and often are combined. Further, if a function is a large one, it may have its own organizational structure to support it. Finally, a few common sense practices can keep things from getting out of hand. First, the people involved in these functions should be working, and not merely directing (see discussion below). Second, these persons need to be appreciated. A good leader motivates with praise more than negative consequences. Third, leadership should not be exclusive but should depend on who’s doing the work. Rotating leadership is also a very good idea. Fourth, find people, regardless of Lifestyle orientation or experience level, who will make good leaders and who are good people persons. A good Top does not necessarily a good leader make. Resources And finally, remember that the structure of a group, and fulfillment of its purpose requires resources. These can be easily discussed in terms of manpower, expertise, money and physical resources. Manpower: Groups are usually run through the good offices of a small but dedicated group of people. These people are not dictators (although at some time, in jest, they may say they are). Those who are over-controlling usually wind up driving members away (especially in the lifestyle where about half the population does not take kindly to attempts to be over-controlling). However, those who do the work must be respected and honored, even to the extent that their I belonged to a small group once that was very well run, had good programs and was growing rapidly. The group had an awesome web page, and excellent programs. For that reason, I had no qualms about driving 120 miles each way once a month to attend their meetings. Everybody was happy. The one thing I didn't like about the group was that it was divided up into Founders and regular members. I found out later that the Founders were not actually the original founding members, but rather were a sub group that could be joined by invitation only. Interestingly, the webmaster and the program chairman were not Founders. One fine day, a member of the Founders who had not been active at all decided (apparently with no basis for his belief) that he could do a much better job of running the group than those who had been doing it. In short order, the web page had been transferred form the webmaster's site while he was sick and without his knowledge. The webmaster and the program chairman dropped out within a week thereafter, resulting in all chiefs and no indians. Further the actions of this person created such divisiveness that the group cratered within a couple of months. The repercussions are still being felt, from what I have heard. What is there to learn from this experience? Cherish, nurture, care for and respect your human resources. Without them the group will wither. Expertise: Expertise, as opposed to manpower, is also critical. If you don't have experts on the issues important to the group, you cannot support the group unless you can bring them in from outside. This is an important concept for any group. It must have a reasonable amount of the expertise in-house or it will not be able to efficiently meet the needs of its members, and members may go outside the group for cheaper or more efficient access to that expertise. However, the group does not have to have ALL the expertise it needs, as long as it can promptly and efficiently tap that outside expertise when needed. Otherwise, a group's structure can get too unwieldy. Physical Resources: The need for physical resources cannot be underestimated. In particular, a group needs a place to meet (or a web page to visit or a list serve or chat room to talk over). Often equally as important for a D/s group is a place to play after the munch. I've belonged to a number of groups. When it has been announced there will be no play party afterward, attendance usually drops to somewhere between a third to a fifth of normal attendance. Funds: What cannot be made or done without must be bought. Minimal funding is essential to all group endeavors. How much is needed depends on what the group does, but it must be scoped out in advance. Communications The next thing any group needs is communications. Where before I was describing physical things, now I am describing the process by which people interact. Communications With Newcomers: First, there are communications to attract and assimilate new members. The first part, attraction, can be problematic for Lifestyle groups, as we typically prefer that no attention be drawn to the group by those who are not D/s curious or D/s friendly. Accordingly, targeting of the audience is often necessary. Second, because a significant amount of education is often necessary before someone even visits a group (especially a single and unescorted novice submissive), that communication must educate without intimidating or frightening someone. Also groups would typically like to vet potential members to make sure they are for real and will be assets. WebPages with a library of materials for the newcomer typically work very well. In addition, some clubs have programs in place whereby those who are curious can be greeted in a manner very similar to a first meeting (with safety plan) between a Dominant and a submissive. Still others require references and check them. Others may establish a you must meet at least 3 board members to be eligible criterion. And finally, some clubs have started establishing mentoring programs to help assimilate newcomers. Mentoring in these programs does not mean Domination, scening or dating… it means education, advice and feedback. Some people still do not have or do not rely upon computer generated information. Accordingly, newcomer packets and informational meetings can be very helpful. Communications With Members: Such communications are so common we all understand them. Lifestyle groups have expanded normal communications in some instances with list-serves (basically an email list), computer bulletin boards, chat rooms (with chat nights), web pages, etc. The only cautions I would put on the use of these communications are: (1) in the information age, the issue is not too little information but too much i.e., information should be posted judiciously); (2) Communications should generally stick to subjects related to the purpose of the group. Other communications are more in the nature of advertisements and diminish the value of the communications medium to the group and its members; and (3) people who start or maintain flame wars should be disciplined or ejected from the group, or at least the list, immediately. A flame war is a series of disagreements in a chat room or on a list serve or bulletin board that involve or degenerate into personal attacks. If unchecked, they can escalate and continue for periods of several months. They serve no useful or positive purpose whatsoever, destroy the cohesiveness and camaraderie of a group and are so distasteful that people will start avoiding the communications medium in droves. They are, in my opinion, a spiritual, mental and emotional poison. Some people seem to feed on the negative emotion generated by flame wars. Ignoring them is hard to do, but ignoring them or permanent ejection seems to be the only recourse. If it is not done, and done quickly, they will poison the group’s communications, often irreversibly. Sorry folks, life’s too short. Feedback: Feedback to group leaders is essential. Good groups build this mechanism into their communications and respond to any feedback received. Bad groups ignore or discourage feedback. Putting It All Together In forming a group, then, its proponents should consider, first, exactly what the group’s purposes and goals are, and what they are not; what actions or activities the group will undertake to support those purposes and goals; and the ideal makeup of its members. Next, the group should be structured so that resources, including manpower, expertise, funding and physical assets support the group’s activities. Third, communications should be set up so that members can be kept abreast of group activities and directions, newcomers can be attracted, educated and assimilated, and leadership can receive feedback to make sure member needs are being met. If all these things are considered in advance, and planned for in a careful, flexible and realistic manner, the group just might succeed in its purpose. © 2001 Xmentor ~~~~~ This article is reprinted here with the explicit permission of the author. If you would like to share it with others, please link directly to this page or contact the author for permission. It is a violation of copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece without that permission, however you may include a short quote from it, not more than 20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of this work.
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