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Stepping
Into Reality
by Virgo, Co-Founder of the Dominant
submissive Society of Manitoba, Canada (DsSM) and Columnist
vvirgo@hotmail.com
http://www.dssm.org/
Virgo's essays can be found at:
http://www.dssm.org/Essays.htm
I met my slave in an Internet chat room over 5 years ago. When we first
met we would stay up chatting until the wee hours of the night. Although
the physical distance between us was great, I never felt as close to
anyone in my life because there was nothing that we could not share with
each other. I remember arguing with my friends that a relationship
online is just as strong as any other relationship, and that Ds online
is just as powerful (albeit different) from face to face BDSM. When she
came here to live with me I was the happiest man alive, and I assumed
that our BDSM lives would echo what we had online and come together
without a hitch. After all, considering that we had shared everything
with one another while online what could possibly go wrong?
Plenty. I share this story because I want to say up front that I have no
interest in slagging BDSM online, or to make the blanket generalization
that people online are pretenders or wannabes. I have come from a spot
where my understanding of BDSM was informed by what I read and
experienced online, and I have voiced a lot of the same arguments that
you hear over and over again from people who have experienced BDSM on
the Internet, but not in reality. In the past few years, since my slave
moved to be with me, I have gained new perspectives into BDSM. I am
going to share some of these perspectives with the goal of pointing out
things that I wish people had told me, or that I wish I would have
figured out on my own, before I made the jump from online to real life.
Assume that you know nothing (or less)
When stepping into real life BDSM, I think the best approach is to toss
away any "knowledge" or "learning" that has been
gleaned from online travels. A common mistake that I see among dominants
that have learned the skills of the trade online is that they tend to
demand respect from people due to title or station, rather than earning
it. I know that this attitude is encouraged on many online chat sites,
but at real life events if a new dominant walks into a room and demands
that all submissives address him as "Sir" or
"Master" people are going to laugh at him and not take him
seriously. In the real life BDSM community respect is earned over time.
People form positive judgments when someone is friendly, supportive,
knowledgeable, confident, posses a wicked imagination, and is not
pretentious.
A common theme that I have noticed is that online experience often works
against people when they enter into real life BDSM communities. People
who have learned online tend to assume that they have figured out BDSM,
and are confident in their opinions regarding issues such as what makes
up a "true" dominant or "true" submissive, or how
being a Dominant is higher up in the BDSM hierarchy than being a mere
top, or how a submissive is someone who just can't cut it as a slave.
When entering into real life BDSM communities, people who have learned
online tend to judge what they see based upon false hierarchies and
cookie-cutter standards. While it is true that people who are involved
in BDSM offline often scoff at and judge those who are learning online,
it is equally true that people entering into real life communities tend
to be extremely judgmental of what they see.
Fantasy BDSM versus reality
Much like their vanilla counterparts, real life BDSM orientated
relationships often succeed or fail based upon whether the individuals
involved are able to communicate with each other, and whether the wants
and needs of the people in the relationship are being met. A common
mistake among new dominants is that they refuse to admit to not knowing
something, or not being skilled with a particular toy. This lack of
knowledge is usually hidden with phrases such as "I don't have to
explain why we are not going to engage in that type of play, it is my
role as a dominant to make those decisions." Unfortunately, if a
dominant does not admit that he does not know how to do something, there
is no potential for learning that skill in the future. The advice I
normally give to new dominants to be introspective and reflexive, and to
be honest with themselves and others regarding strengths, weaknesses,
skills, and interests. Speaking from experience, all of the new skills I
have learned in my BDSM journey thus far have followed statements
starting with the words "I don't know how to..." or "I am
not good at..."
Certain occurrences and external factors that come into play in everyday
life make it hard to dominate, or submit, effectively. One that comes to
mind instantly is PMS. I remember vividly when my slave and I were long
distance, and I used to think it was cute when she was PMS'ing. Real
life, face to face, PMS is definitely different from what I saw online.
Instead of thinking of it as cute, I just head over to the supermarket
to buy a load of beef jerky for her, occasionally lock her in the
bedroom with a vibrator and not let her out until the buzzing stops, and
live with watching an endless stream of true life medical shows on TV.
What I'm getting at here is a very basic principal that took me a while
to figure out. If a person is not in control of herself, she cannot give
control of herself over to anyone else. There is nothing a dominant can
do about that, so get over it.
Other circumstances also fall into the category of "external
stresses," and impact upon the BDSM dynamic. Money troubles are
stressful for any couple, but within a Ds dynamic they are particularly
bad. The reason for this is that, on a basic level, submissives will
equate a Master as being someone who cares for her and looks out for
her. This basic pattern of "Dominant as caregiver" is
illustrated by the amount of real life submissives that call their
Master "daddy." If there isn't enough money coming in to
ensure that the little girl's needs are met, then it isn't a huge leap
towards subconsciously, or consciously, starting to believe that daddy
just isn't doing his job. From there it is a hop, skip, and a jump to
"you aren't really dominant," which I will take up later in
this essay. Real life events, such as a death in the family, an ongoing
custody battle, work stress, dealing with a friend who has severe
issues, all will impact on how much emotional energy individuals have,
and can ultimately lead to a Ds life that is an understated theme rather
than being front and center all of the time. Living a full, complicated
life does not mean you are somehow "less than" anyone else who
is into BDSM, it simply means that you are living in reality and not
fantasy.
The "Blood in the Water" Syndrome
One thing that is never taught in online Dom schools is the old
"blood in the water" syndrome, which I will now outline. A
danger inherent to couples that meet online is that both parties may
develop unrealistic expectations in terms of how BDSM plays out in
reality. If a submissive finds that she cannot live up to her own
definition of being a "slave" then she may lose her self
esteem. This loss in self-esteem can be devastating to a BDSM
relationship, because a submissive without confidence will have trouble
fulfilling her role and pleasing her Master. If, on the other hand a
submissive finds that her dominant does not pass the muster, based on
how she thinks a dominant should behave, then another large set of
issues start to come up. She may lose respect for her Master, and engage
in all sorts of little "tests" to see if he is actually a
dominant (defined unconsciously in her own mind as dominating her in the
exact ways she wants). If he does not respond to these challenges in an
appropriate way (defined as the way that fits in with her own
definitions of what a dominant is and how he should behave), she
interprets it as being chinks in his armor. Like a shark entering into a
feeding frenzy when blood is in the water, a submissive will then
challenge the dominant's authority more often, and more severely. The
most damaging form of this devolution of the BDSM dynamic is when the
submissive utters those magical words "you aren't really a
dominant."
Conclusion
All of this sounds like fun, doesn't it? The trouble with moving from
online into reality is that no one can be as perfect day-to-day, in a
face-to-face setting, as he or she can be while talking online. The
mundane aspects of everyday life (such as sharing a bathroom, or having
your slave resist being spanked in public because she is wearing ugly
panties) that are crucial to the makeup of a face-to-face relationship
simply don't exist in the same form online.
While the Internet may be a useful tool in order to get your proverbial
feet wet when it comes to BDSM, it is a huge mistake to assume that BDSM
takes the same form in everyday life as it does online. Instead, it is
useful to assume that you are going back to square one when you turn off
the computer and attend your first munch, go to a play party, or meet up
with your online love slave for the first time. The best way to approach
this transition is with an open mind, where the starting assumption is
that every BDSM relationship is different, and people make up the rules
that work best for them. By being open and honest about both your skills
and your limitations, you will maximize your learning curve, minimize
your hardships, and slowly earn the respect of those around you. Good
luck in your journey, and happy floggings!
~~~
Copyright 2004
This article is reprinted here with the explicit
permission of the author. If you would like to share it with others,
please link directly to this page or contact the author for permission.
It is a violation of copyright law to distribute or reprint this piece
without that permission, however you may include a short quote from it,
not more than 20% of the total text. Please respect the integrity of
this work.
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