Pushing Limits and Challenging Boundaries

by Virgo, Co-Founder of the Dominant submissive Society of Manitoba, Canada (DsSM) and Columnist

vvirgo@hotmail.com 
http://www.dssm.org/ 
Virgo's essays can be found at:
http://www.dssm.org/Essays.htm 

 

I would like you all to do a little exercise for me. Without being specific, bring up the topic of "pushing limits, and challenging boundaries" to all of the dominants that you know. As you do this, keep track of how many of them automatically assume that you are talking about pushing the limits and boundaries of a submissive. I've done this exercise, and the results frighten me. At first glance, it appears as though dominants focus on pushing the limits and boundaries of submissives to such a large extent that they cut off some of potential for their own growth. I am going to list off a few reasons why I think that dominance is so often equated with pushing boundaries rather than being pushed, followed by some reasons why I think it is important for dominants to push themselves at least as often as they push their partners. For the sake of clarity I'm going to write from the M/f perspective, even though what I describe holds equally true in other forms of Ds relationships.

Why do Many Dominants Avoid Pushing Their Own Limits?

Based on what I have seen and experienced, many dominants see pushing the limits and boundaries of his/her submissive as being an integral part of the "dominant role." I think that the linkage often established between pushing someone else's limits and being dominant is so powerful in some people's minds that the act of pushing boundaries is viewed as a part of the definition of dominance, while being pushed is linked to submission. Those that have been around for a while tend to be less susceptible to this sort of logic, because they know that the willingness to be humble enough to learn and expand is an integral part of being a good dominant.

Another reason why the "dominance = pushing limits" equation is so powerful, and ubiquitous, is that vulnerability sometimes emerges through the act of challenging your own limits. For example, if a dominant wants to push his own limits in order to learn to use a particularly nasty SM toy, like a single tail, then he has goes through the process of: a) admitting he does not know something, b) not being very good at that thing as he practices and learns, and c) facing his own demons as he uses it on a human being for the first time. The fetish that a lot of submissives seem to have for dominants who are experienced, who don't have to be trained, who know how to please them without being told, and all of those other wonderful things, often helps to deter dominants from pushing themselves.

I believe another huge reason why some dominants steer clear of pushing their own boundaries is that they are not really interested in putting work into improving themselves. By continually focusing on pushing the limits of the submissive, the dominant is not required to invest quite as much, and does not put himself on the line to the same degree as the submissive. For example, it is very easy for me to outline things that need to be changed, or limits that should be challenged in someone else. However, it is a lot harder to look at myself in the mirror and honestly assess what I see. What often separates the excellent dominants from the rest of the pack is the ability to be self critical, to do honest self-assessments, and to push himself harder than he pushes his partner.

Why Should every Dominant Push Him or Herself on Occasion?

The main reason why dominants should push themselves is that growth and learning stem from the process of challenging ones self. Regardless of your experience level and reputation, you will stagnate if your voyage of discovery ever hits the docks. While humility leads down the path of learning, growing, and challenging yourself, stagnation is the end result of thinking you already know everything that is important.

Another reason why it is important for dominants to challenge their own limits on occasion is that if all of the focus within a relationship is on the submissive, and her limits, it leads to an undesirable power imbalance. For example, two people come together and form a strong Ds bond. The dominant takes a lot of time to patiently poke and prod at the submissive's psyche, and learns of her or his hopes, fears, needs, and desires. From this the dominant sets out to challenge her, testing her limits, and exploring emotional responses as they push the envelope further and further.

Sounds good, doesn't it? Now lets fast-forward a bit. The relationship develops, and is centered on the concept that it is the dominant's role to challenge the submissive's boundaries. The submissive has grown by leaps and bounds, but the dominant is in pretty much the exact same place as when the relationship started. The submissive has become the focal point of the relationship, and things are judged by her responses, her needs, her goals, and her desires. The dominant becomes the Ds equivalent of a vibrator, existing only to please the submissive. The submissive grows, while the dominant stagnates. I'm sure this isn't what most people have in mind going in to a Ds relationship, and I'm equally sure that this sort of thing plays a big part in why so many Ds-orientated relationships fail.

To combat this devolution within Ds dynamics, I think it is extremely important for dominants to be ready, willing, and able to challenge themselves and push their own boundaries from time to time. To do this, a dominant has to be unflinching in his self- assessment, and humble enough to admit that he still has a lot to learn. On the submissive end, she has to be willing to throw away the stereotype in which a good dominant enters into a relationship as being all-knowing, and a "finished product." A strong relationship is based upon mutual growth where one person does not outgrow the other, and a strong Ds dynamic is one in which the dominant is truly the center.

 


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Copyright 2004

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