What is a Submissive? 

By Megapig
MegaPIG@aol.com

 
What is a submissive ? Well we have a dictionary to start with.

Submission: n :  The condition of being submissive, humble or compliant

An act of submitting to the authority of another

Submission: v : To yield oneself to the authority of another: SURRENDER

The submissive we know is, simply, a woman who willingly consents to the authority of a Dominant man. Or is it ? If she willing consents or, in the flowery terms of a romantic heart, gives her gift of submission, then can't she take it back ? And if she can take it back, isn't she in essence deciding when and where to give it ? Doesn't that put her in charge ?

Some of the most unhappy women I know are women constantly looking to give their submission to a worthy man. I think that they are doomed if you will, to a lifetime of disappointment because of the very premise that they're using for the search. The True Dominant is a hunter. He does not want to be fed, he wants to stalk, sight, hunt and overcome. To really express his dominance, he must overcome, not negotiate. He wants to take by force. For example, my slave is not truly a willing participant in our relationship. She is very much my prisoner. I took her by force and I KEEP her by force.

Now, she is by no means or in any way a weak or stupid woman, quite the opposite. Many men were hunting her and she easily shoo'ed most of them away simply by being too strong for them to overcome. She knew what she wanted from life and had a goal and a plan to get there. When I came into her life and decided that I wanted her, I set about to overpower her by every means (fair and unfair) to get what I wanted. I used my intellect to overpower her intellect, my emotions to overpower her emotions, my spirit to overpower hers until she had no choice but to SURRENDER. As we've seen in other sections, women belong to powerful men - powerful women belong to even MORE POWERFUL men. And so it goes.

Again, giving the ahem “gift” of submission is like agreeing to play the part for a while. If they're just playing a submissive today, what will they pretend to be tomorrow? To really experience submission, they must surrender and as the term itself implies, surrender is what one does when there is no other CHOICE. The point being that she'll never find a really strong man by weakening herself in order to appear to be captured.

First, a story.... and possibly a lesson

There is a consistent story told by prisoners of war in which we can learn a great deal, some of which can be supplied to the characteristics of being in a submissive relationship. It starts with the obvious confinement. There were great limits on the prisoner's physical rights and conditions. Survival depended on their submission to their captors. Nothing pretty or admirable about their condition or their treatment.

But over and over again, we hear stories on what they did in order to survive and to not let their spirit be broken in the face of such adversity. In so many cases, the prisoners took time to retreat deep into their minds. One vivid story was the man who built a log cabin in his mind. Within his mental sanctuary, the man found a plot of ground, cleared it and chopped and fitted each tree into his cabin. This is not so hard for us to imagine, because as I write, you form the mental picture of what he did. What makes the story special is how he did it. He didn't form the picture is his mind as we do while hearing the story. He imagined each step he took, in real time just as if he were actually doing it. For each tree he felled, he didn't merely chop the tree down - he imagined each single chop on the axe, felt, in his mind, the force of his muscles and he did it. With each action vividly imagined and not hurried by an impatient attitude, it sometimes took him two or three days to chop one tree. Then another six to shape it or fit it into the house. Six years to build the house - even though it was only in his mind.

He wasn't taking a few minutes to escape reality for a few seconds of respite from his surroundings. He was actually living in that reality for the time he chose to stay there rather than return to a reality that was more harsh and cruel than he could ever overcome. What makes this story so inviting is certainly not what they endured, but that they found afterwards how strong they were for being ABLE to endure. Years later in civilian life, many of these men find that their spirit is unbreakable because no matter what physical life throws their way, they have the ability to overcome it in their minds.

What lesson can we take away from this story ? Only that at the end of the day, only WE control our minds. It is not a place that anyone else can take away from us, invade or abuse unless we allow it. In short, the mechanism is within us to control how we act, react and feel with regard to any situation that we find ourselves - that regardless of our surroundings we control the most important part of ourselves - our minds - and that what we DO with that control is up to us.

What does this have to do with a submissive relationship ?

Only that, in the confines of a secure and healthy submissive relationship, the challenge of the submissive is to achieve that level of control of her mind, as it will be her major tool in determining if she is strong enough to be in a submissive relationship. It is NOT a thing for the weak to attempt. Yes, it offers many advantages and solutions to many problems... but also it causes problems and presents challenges that, without a solid mind as a resource, will cause her to lose herself, her identity and her esteem.

Simply put, submission is freedom by use of chains.

Once overpowered, taken home and placed in confinement, the submissive finds that she is a captive. She is in a cage of the Dominant's design. This cage, of course, is metaphoric (but not always) and at first, she tests the strength of the cage (strength of the Dominant) until she sees that escape is impossible. Then slowly, it dawns on her that she is free. A paradox ? No. She is free from the responsibility of anything that happens outside the cage.. and this is or can be a very liberating experience. But just as in the rest of Nature, every action has an opposite and equal REaction. Within the confines of her new world, she must still progress, grow and find her own happiness. She must still seek challenge and see rewards of effort. What she will see from this effort, if she truly understands what to look for... is... STRENGTH.

What kind of strength ? The kind of strength required to BE what the Dominant demands of her. To see that, when given a task that has no immediate benefit or pleasure for her, that she CAN do it and do it well. That she CAN endure because of how strong she is. Beginners call this the pleasure that they get from pleasing another. But there is an inherent problem here, that's why so many women get disillusioned with their D/s relationships. Pleasing someone to get indirect pleasure in seeing them happy wears thin much faster than one can imagine. What she hopefully will learn in time is that she does what she does to please herself.

Consider for a moment the janitor that cleans an office late at night after the people leave. At first, the janitor can take comfort that the people will be happy with a clean office, but after a while begins to not care about THEM. The janitor finds that the only real pleasure, the only one that MATTERS, is the knowledge that the job itself was well done. That regardless of what got him to this point, that right now, at THIS MINUTE, HE is pleased with his OWN work that it was done to the very best of his ability because that is his job. That's his commitment. Sound glamorous ? No ? Welcome to reality.

So it is with the submissive. If you've read “The Story of O” (not that I recommend it.. but IF you have) you'll note one very important passage where O “.. realizes that her commitment binds her more tightly than her bracelets.” At that crucial moment O understands that being submissive is not what she DOES but rather what she IS and that SHE made that commitment not to HIM.... but to herself. Now she must reconcile that the most important thing in her life is her commitment to herself. That her submission is THE most important thing in her life - possibly her truest, deepest love - and this is important because as long as she is TRUE to her deepest love, it can never betray or desert her.

And now.... IF a submissive is what she IS.... and she is in love WITH her submission... She is... in love... with herself. And once she learns to love herself, nothing else matters.

So now the Dominant is no longer THE most important part of her life, SHE IS. In fact, the Dominant may no longer matter. If the Dominant chooses to give her away, she can go.. because that which she truly loves the most will always stay with HER: herself.

So at first glance, being a submissive is not a giving thing but rather a selfish thing! Someone else takes the burden of providing the cage and the requirements so that the submissive can focus her energies on loving herself. Meanwhile the Dominant gets what he needs, which is obedience and service and... in the process... finds that he is the second most important person in her life, rating just below herself.

How disjointed is that ? Two people each getting what they need in a relationship and using the other to get it ? Well, that's one way of looking at it. Another, if you ask any psychologist, is that everyone must first and foremost love themselves before they can love another. Is it that much of a stretch to say that one must be IN LOVE with themselves in order to be in love with another?

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger

or possibly permanently disfigure us!

What are her LIMITS ? Don't answer that, because frankly, I don't CARE. A submissive should have no limits. What she may have, and always WILL have... is limitations. Semantic difference ? No. A submissive can not fly by flapping her arms - that is a limitation. No decent Dominant will try to push his submissive beyond her limitations. Like everyone else, each submissive will have many limitations, mostly psychological that are the product of her life experiences as well as physical ones that stem from many sources. The submissive's commitment to being a submissive is to be willing push past every limit that she thinks in her mind until she reaches a limitation.

So, what kind of limitations beyond the obvious ?

THE limitation that must always be considered is the LIMITATION OF TRUST. Trust that whatever the Dominant demands of her will not cause her harm. While the Dominant works constantly to earn her trust (that's why submission isn't a gift, it's earned) she must always be willing to examine her feelings to see if her fears come from lack of trust.

When her Dominant tells her to jump off a bridge and she refuses....

She is a bad Submissive!

Well wait a minute. Let's revisit that. WHY is she refusing? Is she afraid ? Has the Dominant not done enough to prove to her that nothing bad will happen ? Has the Dominant failed to put up a net that will catch her ? Did the Dominant prove to her that he is a gifted surgeon that can fix whatever might go wrong ? Maybe there IS a net, but she's SO afraid of heights that she will be emotionally scarred. IS the Dominant a brilliant psychologist that can fix that ?

What's happened here is that she has reached a Limitation of Trust in her Dominant. If the Dominant has failed to address each and every one of these logical and emotional concerns, then he has failed her and she have every right to refuse and to right to question his motives. If, on the other hand, he HAS addressed every one of them.. and she still refuses, then it is SHE who has failed... and must admit to herself that she has reached a limitation in her submission. This is not GOOD and it's not BAD it just IS.

Maybe she's not a bad submissive, maybe she has a bad Dominant.

While she has every right to expect her Dominant to keep and maintain a level of trust and no abuse it, likewise she must, in order to be true to HER commitment, continually make efforts to PLACE her trust in him and do, to the best of her ability, everything that he asks until she reaches that limitation.

To do all that he asks, without question or hesitation, until she reaches higher than her level of trust. In the process, she will find herself doing things that she doesn't like. She will find herself doing things that have no benefit to her except the benefit that she finds within herself for having the strength to honor her commitment.

I read Beauty, O and Cinderella and nowhere does it say

that she launders his underwear while he's out bowling.

There is no shortage of women that want to be submissives and take orders to wear cool clothes, accept great jewelry and be taken to cool parties while he does things to her that she likes to have done to her. Those are normally a part of everyone's life to one degree or another, but if that's your interest in submission, the term for you is Do-Me-Queen or Submission Princess. The problem is, there are plenty of applicants and few openings for this position.

The question that is fair for the submissive to ask is how full her life is, but then - everyone gets to ask that question and should do so on a regular basis. The difference is in the power differential. He has taken hers (at least relative to the outside world) and it's not her job to look into his life and see how full it is. But she is required to look into her own and constantly evaluate how full IT is. This brings us to the somewhat unpleasant reality that:

What is Sauce for the Gander is not always Sauce for the Goose.

While she looks into her own life and evaluate if she's getting what she need from it, so is the Dominant. But his parameters are different. While she has the right to expect him to provide all that she may need that can not be found within her cage (metaphor again) and he has the right to get from her everything that can be reasonably expected from her... and find the rest elsewhere.

This leads to a majority of the problems between newly bonded D/s couples. The Dominant doesn't understand that he MUST provide her with all the tools necessary for her to find satisfaction within his rules. For example, should he decide to make her stop seeing all of her present and past friends, he has that right. But with that right comes the responsibility to see that the friendship, support and intellectual stimulation comes from other sources. If he makes her quit her job - he must replace the funds from other sources, etc. In short, she builds her happiness and in exchange for the control he exercises over her, he must provide all the tools that she needs in order to BUILD that happiness.

On the reverse side, she must see and accept that while she is an important part of his world, she is ONLY a part of it. (Just, by the way... is he ONLY a part of HER world). Since the nature of the relationship is that SHE is the one limited to following the rules, it's not always possible for her to fill all of the needs he may have. And she must be prepared to accept that what he does to fill his life not only may not always include her but in some cases may deliberately exclude her - and THIS can often be the source of a new submissive's unhappiness:

Women often can not stand to see a man having a good time

Unless they are the source, or at least part of the source.

Her Dominant may assign her a work related or unpleasant task while he goes off and does something fun with someone else. Does she need to be happy about it ? No. Does she have to accept it ? Perhaps. The question is “What will she do in that situation ?” The action taken by him is not open to discussion or negotiation. She, by definition, submit to his decisions. But what she DOES control is how she reacts to it and how she deals with it. A diligent submissive learns to have a consistent thought process by which unhappy or uncertain situations are analyzed.

Hypothetical situation: The Dominant leaves her home to do laundry while he has a date with another woman.

A typical human female will respond negatively to this situation because of a mass of emotions that are all rooted in her genetic disposition for monogamy. It's natural and expected. The reason that this particular scenario is proposed is because of how stark it is and how challenging it may be to address.

Starting with anger and jealousy, the submissive learns to not just give into the emotions, but to analyze them for what they really are and then discard what is unimportant so that she may focus on what IS important. Let's say that his need to see another submissive makes her feel inadequate - that she is “not enough” for him. Let's say it makes her feel insecure - in that he may favor the other woman. Those are very legitimate concerns that.... and this is important.... concerns that He has to overcome before he is entitled to take such actions. That's right. It's his prerogative, but also his responsibility to see that no harm, in this case emotional, comes from any decision he makes. These are concerns for which she has a legitimate right to seek solutions. And to expect HIM to provide those solutions.

HER JOB is to do her honest best to accept whatever solutions he offers and do her best to make those solutions fit.

If he demonstrates that what he's seeking from someone else something is not within her capabilities to provide, If he demonstrates that her position within his life is not changed, demeaned or threatened by it, If he can get her to admit that her life, regardless of the outside things he does, is still full and capable of allowing her to generate her own happiness.... IF all those situations are properly addressed, then she's left with simply being unhappy about it. Not his job to make her happy or do things that please her. She and she ALONE get to decide to be happy or not. Where the deepest problem lies is that most submissives will not be honest with themselves and admit that it has no real bearing and that they simply CHOOSE not to like it and to continue to be unhappy.

If he can demonstrate that and she chooses to ignore it, or not make a best effort over understand, adapt and overcome, she should look at her honesty and level of commitment to be someone's submissive.

Conversely, if he CAN'T do all of those things, then he has no right to expect her to accept it. He has not lived up to his responsibility to her which comes before his rights and privileges. And.... nothing for her to learn from the process.

So what the submissive does is...

Pack her bags and be gone by the time he gets back.

Accept it on the surface and vow to make his life a living hell from now until eternity.

Do his laundry with battery acid instead of detergent.

Get on-line and tell everyone who will listen what a jerk he is.



OR

Do her level best to accept it, find the good in it, find what is to be learned from it (possibly find that she is stronger than the problem and that she can overcome anything and be proud of what she is) and... should she be unable to reconcile all of it be HONEST with her Dominant and explain to him that together they have found a desire within HIM that reached a limitation within HER.

How she handles the obstacles says more about her than about him.

Helpful PIG hint

She should encourage her Dominant to do just that. Challenge him to find a submissive as good as she is. Tell him that she'd love to have another woman to commiserate with. She should say “this would work out well for everyone. I'd get a sister in chains to help with the work, help to serve you and YOU would get to hear 'You never take me anywhere' / 'you don't love me like you used to' and 'why do you treat her better than me' IN STEREO

A WISE PIG would cancel his date so fast it would make your toes curl.

In other words, the answer to the question “What is a submissive?” is:

A submissive is a woman strong enough to make a commitment to herself that is important enough to weather all the challenges and trials, resourceful enough to find something good to take from every experience, honest enough to look within herself first for answers and wise enough to know when she can't.

If you're not learning, you're not living.

Editor's note: The most used 'important word' (and the most important concept) in this document is Commitment.                        



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Copyright 2003

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