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Well Guess What? I'm Single!
I am looking for a committed partnership with a man who is sexually
dominant and who lives nearby Waltham, MA. I am a quiet person who
likes solitude and peace, very typical for a writer. This nicely
aligns with my strong interest in BDSM as a spiritual practice. My
hobbies include photography, cooking, technology, and other creative
pursuits. I am a rubenesque cutie who works out regularly, and I
hope you do too. I do not do any drugs and drink rarely, but yes I
do have a few vices.
I am looking for a male Dominant who is a person first, with a
stable career and a life of his own. I particularly like men who are
wickedly intelligent and wildly creative. While he does not need to
be the most experienced Dominant on the planet, he does need to know
exactly who he is and how to control another person. I am not a shy
or passive type Submissive, but rather a strong woman with a lot to
submit. I don't give it up to just any wacky willy who wanders
along. In the last few months I have found myself attracted to a
more structured D/s relationship than I have in the past, so if BDSM
is a hobby or a sideline for you, I’m probably not a good match.
I do not do casual play so please don't ask. I absolutely will not
engage with anyone married or cheating so absolutely do not ask.
My approach to submission can be summed up in these few
mission critical areas, which does not by any means mean that I am
limited to these, only that they are my style of submission:
- Service - Think
Geisha.
- Chastity/Orgasm Control.
If your thing is getting your sub off multiple times a night, then
we’re not a good match. The short version is: Chastity for
submissives isn’t about the Dominant not having sex. To the
contrary, he gets to get off as much as he wants.
Read my
article
about chastity.
- Exploration of the spiritual side of BDSM.
If you are an atheist/agnostic, don’t know what I'm talking about,
or never considered it, then again – probably not a good match.
If you are considering writing me
Please keep in mind that every submissive female receives many
e-mails from Dominants. I can reasonably date only people within about
an hour from me as I'm not into long-distance relationships. So if
you're further away I may not be able to respond; my apologies in
advance.
I will respond to notes clearly written just to me (not form letters)
which tell me something about yourself. I don't have the time or
inclination to reply to requests from people with no information about
themselves, or from Submissives asking me to dominate them. Being a
writer, I can't help but be bothered by bad spelling and grammar, just
so you know.
[And now for the Resume type stuff – bear with me]
I’m the author of two books: It’s Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and
Spirituality in the BDSM Scene, and Spiritual Transformation
through BDSM; Stories and Submissions from Fellow Travelers (you’ll
find them on Amazon.com). You can also check out my columns, interviews,
podcasts, and photography on my website at www.sensuoussadie.com – and
it’s all FREE. I believe strongly in the open exchange of information
and share my work freely under the copyright agreements through
creativecommons.org.
I’m also the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont’s
first BDSM group. I’ve also founded several online discussion groups
including BDSM for People of Size and BDSM Scribes (now owned by Kayla
Kuffs).
But please, don’t be put off by all that stuff.
I put it in here so that you won’t be surprised if you don’t already
know who I am. Surprises are never fun (not this kind anyhow). While it
is true that to be these things I am something of a Type A personality
and have a great deal of drive, I am also lighthearted and fun to be
with.
I have a strong submissive spirit that yearns for the right Dominant so
keep in mind that what we do as people is not always who we are in the
bedroom.
(stepping off the soapbox now…)
~ Sadie Bonfils (aka, Sensuous Sadie)
More reading for Adventurous Thinkers
Now, for those of you who would like the longer version of what I’m
looking for, this following section is a piece that I’ve pulled from a
recent article I wrote that goes into what I’m looking for in more
explicit detail. If it resonates with you well, we will probably be a
good match.
A Dominant, Yes I want a Dominant
Do I need to say this? Well yes, I guess I do. Because there are a lot
of other kinds of individuals flopping around in the flotsam and jetsam.
Masters, Tops, Switches, you name it. I need a Dominant, not a Master as
I’m not the Slavey type, and if my partner is a Switch, he needs to have
a strongly delineated dominant component. I state this uncategorically
because my experience is (noting that I’m not saying this is
quantifiable data or anything like that) most male Switches lean toward
the submissive side, and when that is the case I can usually push them
around. Sad, but true. You see, in my vanilla life and in my BDSM life
as an author and group leader, I’ve learned to be assertive (sometimes
called aggressive but to heck with dose who say dat anyhow). I’ve also
found that generally speaking, most people are willing to be lead when
one person (often me) suggests that we take one particular course of
action. This is also true in relationships. Since I nearly always have
an idea of what I want to do and how I want to do it, and if my partner
does not, then my will most often prevails, Does this make for an
effective Dominant/Submissive dynamic? No, actually it does not. And
this is exactly why I need a man who is clearly and unequivocally a
Dominant.
Oh and by the way, I don’t mind if my man is bisexual, and usually they
are. I find that bisexual men are far more interesting intellectually,
and more fluid in their way of moving through the world. That’s a plus
in my world.
Experienced Please; Novices need not Apply
When I went to the Fetish Flea Market in Providence, Rhode Island a few
months back, I specifically chose to wear some kind of collar type
ornament each day. Not an actual collar because I didn’t want to look
"collared" but something that clearly indicated that I was a Submissive.
I do this because everything else about me – my walk, talk, dress, and
way of interacting – indicates to others that I am a Dominant. Since I
was shopping for Dominants I was hoping some would hit on me and I knew
they wouldn’t if the right markers weren’t apparent. I also know that
being the goal oriented, Type A individual that I am, novices are not
going to have the kind of skills it takes to manage a Submissive like
me. I’m not difficult to manage, but I am a strong person and if my
partner isn’t as strong as I am, then things are going to slide down
that slippery slope. It takes a long time, usually years, for a Dominant
to develop their skills to the level where they know exactly who they
are and how to set boundaries and limits and stick to that. It sounds
easy on paper, but it is so not easy in real life with a real adult who
is an equal to yourself.
Think about how many parents find it difficult to set boundaries and
limits with their children these days, and translate that into setting
those same boundaries and limits with an adult woman or man who perhaps
makes as much money as you do and can certainly say no anytime they
wish. If you can tell your Submissive to do that thing – whatever it is
– anyway and make it happen, then you are a Dominant. If not, then well
maybe you need to have a little conversation with yourself. Another way
to put this is: "Ask yourself if you can watch your Submissive cry and
still not change your mind about what you want them to do. If you can do
this, then you at least have the nature of Dominance within you."
Spiritually Oriented
There are a lot of Dominants around however, and let’s just be clear
here, just being of that nature isn’t quite enough. Now, you probably
know that I wrote a book (600 pages no less) on BDSM and spirituality;
the thing is a hell of a doorstop if nothing else. I didn’t write it
because I know everything about this subject, I wrote it because
I wanted to know everything about this subject, and being a good
researcher I went ahead full-steam to find out. I want to explore what I
learned with my future partners, and in truth I want a partner who is
oriented on a spiritual plane as well. It doesn’t have to be the same
one that I’m on, but something anyhow. A lot of people think that I
could just as well practice my spiritual approach to BDSM with an
atheist or an agnostic, but I don’t think so. A major part of this
approach is the intention to explore this together, a bonding of you and
your partner with sexuality and spirituality. If one person thinks it’s
all hooie, it’s my sense that the scene isn’t quite going to fly into
transcendental space.
Monogamy with a Sprinkling of Openness
I need a man I can call my own, as goes the country song. That
said, I have always and often engaged in open relationships out of
simple practicality. When you’re dating a Dominant who also has a strong
submissive side, well then you just have to farm out his submissive
needs to another Femme Domme unless you plan on switching which I do
not. A long time ago I did that but I found that although apparently I
was pretty good at it, I didn’t enjoy it one little bit. So phooey on
that I say. Alternatively, if he is bisexual, not only do I not
plan on growing a cock, but I actually get off on watching two men doing
the double backed beast. As long as I have my man back in my home and in
my bed at the end of the day, I’m just fine.
That said, polyamory (as opposed to a simple open relationship) is not
going to work for me either. I say this not because I don’t believe in
the concept, but because I have not yet seen it work for anyone without
a massive dose of long-term, drawn out pain and drama. I am absolutely
sure that it works just great for people who are dedicated to the
lifestyle and really work hard at it, but I’m not one of them; I have
too many other things taking up my time. It’s too much work, and neither
I nor any of the Dominants I have ever dated have had enough
discretionary time to actually have multiple love relationships and give
equal time to all of them. What I have seen instead is what a friend of
mine calls PINO relationships, or Poly In Name Only. How many
people do you know who say they have a poly relationship, but when it
comes to actually talking to the wife, or actually having a second love
relationship – well, then it’s not really quite so poly any more? That’s
PINO. Messy messy, much too messy for me. One relationship is work
enough; add another and you get not just two but exponentially two which
equals something like four, although admittedly my math might be a
little off. Either way, it’s more clutter than I have the capacity or
the will to clean up.
About being "Out" of the Closet
I’m not only a well-known writer and therefore recognizable
(particularly in our community), but I’m also mostly out except for
people at work and so on. If you are still in the closet and not out to
your friends and family, or have no friends in the BDSM community, we
may not be a good match. I don’t go around telling total strangers about
my private life, but once people are close friends with me, I usually
share who I am. I don’t like to constantly have to lie and hide who I am
with my friends, vanilla or not. I dress conservatively and
professionally, and appear generally vanilla and completely appropriate
to the situation I am in.
That all said, I also feel that being involved in the BDSM community
provides an education similar to what going to college does for a
person. It’s not so much that you’ll remember all of the stuff you
learned in Communications 101 and somehow use it in a job four
years later. Rather, it’s that being around the wide variety of styles,
genders, and types of folks in the scene makes you a better Dominant or
Submissive by definition. You see alternative ways to do things. You
learn that the word "trust" isn’t even remotely defined by simply saying
"you must trust your Dominant completely." You watch how people in
Master/Slave relationships do it versus people in Dominant/Submissive
relationships do it. Without this input, your approach to D/s is limited
to what you read, and as much as reading what professionals (or even
amateurs) write is important, seeing and interacting with these ideas is
a whole different ballgame than just reading about them. It’s the same
difference as learning how to tie a knot in the bondage workshop then
actually having to do it in a scene when the pressure is on and your
rope is too long or the bed doesn’t have a good place to tie to, or
maybe you just plain plumb forgot whether the right end of the rope goes
over the top or under the bottom first (so to speak).
For these reasons I prefer to date people who are involved in the
community in some way, not "lone wolves." This is a preference however,
not a dealbreaker.
If you got all the way to the end of this and are still reading, thank
you for giving me your time. I welcome your thoughts and ideas about
what I wrote, and I welcome your contacting me.
Warmest regards,
~ Sadie
Contact Me:
SensuousSadie@aol.com
www.sensuoussadie.com
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